What Comes Next?

There are times in life, where the only way through, the only way to heal, is to move forward, to take the next step. This comes at different times in our life, as the most significant times of transition come closer, you can feel the weight of such change, like driving up a hill and being unable to see the other side, yet still driving and trusting you aren’t about to drive off the edge.

My first time of change was college, then navigating the time between college and grad school, followed by the time after graduating from Seminary. This time was especially taxing as I moved into my first apartment in Abilene with no job, surviving off student loan money until I got a job during 2009 after the recession in 2008.

For years I knew change was coming; however, I wasn’t sure exactly where it would come. As I was coming out of what I call my first Dark Night of the Soul (St. John of the Cross), I remember driving down the road between Abilene and Robert Lee, Texas to my Summer Youth Interim position in 2010. Every time I drove down that road it was like a symbol, something big was coming soon. What was coming? I did not know but I felt its weight.

What would come was my transition into Chaplaincy, moving to Lubbock, TX in 2011 and eventually the move to Buffalo, NY for my first FT Chaplain job in 2013.

Now I feel the weight coming again, a new transition is on the horizon. I still have some healing to do but I can feel the precipice coming very soon, my time here coming closer to an end, feeling myself going forward not knowing the outcome. As an introvert this is hard, yet there is relief that I am heading back to Texas. I will be coming back to my home-state, near my family and friends. In that thought I find solace. I can't predict that everything will be OK. But I can be sure that coming back is good and right.

Coming back from my trip to Dallas confirmed something I was struggling with, as I wasn't sure where I would be moving. At first, I just wanted to get to Texas but I pondered: what the purpose of moving back to be near family and friends would be, if I lived far from them?

So, I’ve made the decision to move to Dallas, preferable northern Dallas as my brother and a close friend live there. What does the future hold for new friends, reconnecting with old friends, and deepening current friendships? Only God knows.

So, in the middle of all these things I pray God grants me Wisdom (and Joy!). Sometimes I feel I am pushing forward, other time I am being propelled forward by the circumstances of life. Yet, as I come out of my Second Dark Night of the Soul now, I feel my time closing in Buffalo and beginning anew in Dallas soon.

I pray that God is already blessing this time of change and transition, that what is on the other side, though unknown to me, is very known to Him, that it will be better than I think and whatever worries and anxieties I have will continue to fade. I am reminded of the worship "Same God" below, that I will keep my eyes on the giver of light and life, the Rock of Ages. That I wont be distracted by other things in this world but find my joy in Christ, in the thought that God has me in His hands... and as I let go, I might somehow be blessed in ways I can’t even imagine.

Almost There
~ Daniel Brockhan

To You On Your Birthday

These last months feel real and like a dream. Sometimes it feels like you could still be here and other times you feel so far away. I believe one day I will see you again in Heaven but your absence just makes you feel gone, vanished. I remember you in flashes of conversations, jokes, hearing you sing or play the piano. This is mixed with hearing your breathing slow down until you finally stopped... and were gone last July.

Of course, on one hand this was sudden.. and on the other hand you were suffering and dying for a while. I knew something was different after your stroke. We use to talk for a long time on the phone, then our conversations went to only about five minutes. Your answers were brief. I tried not to feel judged. I knew in my mind it was due to medical issues but it felt like I mattered less. I remember asking mom if you were eating less and sleeping more after you retired. When she answered yes I had this feeling things were getting worse. I hate and hated I have to live so far away, mad at God that life made me live so far from family, to feel so alone.

I'm planning on moving back... but it wasn't quick enough. Even in your death you reminded me of the importance of family. As everyone gathered to support you, we were also supporting one another. That family bond is so important and so vital. I simply cannot and will not miss out on more time than I have to in the future. I hope to get a job now somewhere close.

I remember getting the call that you were rushed to the hospital being found mostly unresponsive. I had a nagging feeling in my gut. I waited for news and updates. Something in me knew this was what I had been waiting for and dreading. Your fight with cancer, among other issues, was coming to an end. I left with haste to see you, with hope you might get better... but knowing what I know from being a Chaplain, it was more realistic this would be the last time I would see you.

I remember stroking your head, touching your hand, playing a few songs on my phone you use to play for us at home growing up. I still hear you in my head singing and making jokes, sometimes inappropriate ones.. but we still always laughed anyway. I remember you playing Phase 10 and holding all your cards until you could get a Phase out and use all your cards to end a round... you said there was nothing in the rules about holding your hand. It was mischievous and likely a bit of the programmer in you finding a loophole in the game. Now everyone else would have more points so if you were tied in the final round, you would win the game. You were always smart like that.

I keep getting my tenses mixed up talking and remembering you. It is your Birthday or was your Birthday. You love to play the piano or loved to play the piano.

You were an amazing father. You taught me my emotions matter. You taught me I didn't have to hide behind some false male emotional wall. I wish the rest of the world felt the same. I often want to retreat inward to protect myself from the critiques of others, yet always felt safe opening up and talking to you about life.

I'm sad you never got to meet my wife or children. If it ever happens, I hope and believe you will meet them in heaven one day. I think more than anyone, you likely heard the most of my struggles regarding jobs and dating, in a world that normally feels like everyone else gets tired of hearing such struggles.

I haven't forgot about you, though I haven't been too open about my thoughts and feelings since you left. I think about you on and off often. Due to my anxiety, that's all I can afford. I feel like if I dwelt on your absence too long I might get lost in a dark cycle and not be able to eat or sleep or work or move. As with most things, distractions help so I don't get totally lost in my emotions.

I just wanted to say on today, the day you were born, that were were an amazing father. I am sorry you are gone. I wish I had more time with you. I hope they have piano's in heaven. I'd like to sit beside you again one day to hear you play and sing with you again. May God bless and keep you in his arms until that day.

Your Son Forever,
Daniel

My Last Blogs: Erasing the Future

This isn't how it was supposed to be, not how things were planned, not how anything I thought would come in my future would unfold. In college, I told myself I would meet her in grad school, then during my chaplain residency, then here in Buffalo. Is there a her? The years keep going by and with each year, each month – with each rejection, I feel myself slipping, my life slipping further and further away from my dream. I dreamed to one day be a husband, to love my wife, to support her through everything and have someone to support me as well. I dreamed of being a father, of holding my child in my arms, the joy and responsibility, happiness and worries, the support and love that would bring.

This is not my life.

In the last year I have not written anything because I have been trying to rearrange my brain, rewire my thoughts, my expectations; from what I thought my life should be, to what it actually is right now. I kept asking God: Why? Why Me? Didn’t I serve you? Didn’t I move across the country? Didn’t I give up my family? Didn’t I give up my friends? Why can I not have someone to love?

But these are all the wrong questions.

These are selfish questions.

God, How can you use me? Lord, How can I learn and grow through this time? What will I do with myself, if I am never to marry, never to be a father, to always be single? I am still scared of that prospect and it is difficult to speak openly with people about these thoughts, much less this emotional and spiritual transition I have been going through over the last year.

My martial Status doesn’t matter.

Despite everyone telling me it does matter, that I will find someone, that if I pray enough, work hard enough, network enough, ask out enough women. If do the exact right thing at the exact right time I will find her.

But what is my dream really?

Is it for me or for God?

Is it for my gain or His glory?

This does not neglect my feelings. I still feel sad when I see friends getting engaged, married, having children. I grieve what I don’t, and may never have. And I feel hurt when friends get married and our friendship eventually fades into nothingness.

Those thoughts and feelings still hurt.

But they can blind me to God's voice.

They can distract me,

Like all the music, movies, and TV;

All calling me to give glory to something else,

To someone else,

Someone I might never meet,

Or if I do,

I cannot be sure when that would happen.

But God is still calling me. I can hear his voice. God loves me as I am, knowing all my strengths and weaknesses, my hurts and my joys. More than anyone he knows the good parts of my life and the terribly hurtful parts of my life. He knows how much I have struggled and sometimes when I just need to let go.

I tried for two years, in my own power, to date. I went out on at least twenty dates with different woman (a lot for a more introverted person), sent hundreds of messages doing online dating. and tried asking out women in-person.

On the outside I told God He was my priority but (besides working) my time and money were all spent dating. If I didn’t try I would be alone. I pursued pursuing women. I fought, using so much energy to try to find someone, anyone.... then, at a certain point, I just couldn't do it anymore.

It all got harder and harder,

Then slowed down.

Then just sopped.

I literally, could not message one more woman. I closed all my online dating profiles, deleted any leftover e-mails, unsubscribed from e-mail lists, and Facebook pages. I couldn’t read or think about dating anymore. I was done.

And then, when I finally sat there in the silence, it all began to finally set in. The very real and true possibility I might die alone, never find someone, never have kids. I'd wake up in the mornings alone, then at night, every night, I'd face the dark silence, the nothingness, the emptiness.

I cried. I wept.

I was sad, discouraged, weary.

I gained back weight.

I stopped eating well.

Stopped exercising.

Stopped everything.

I wallowed.

I did nothing,

Because that is how I felt on the inside.

Like Nothing.

Like I did not matter.

I did my best to try to avoid this feeling by trying to seek out new friendships or by trying to reconnect with old friends. With a few exceptions, this proved futile. People were and are, busy with their lives, busy with their families. It is what it is, after all, right? Whatever future with new friends never appeared and my friendships with older friends is mostly now all history, distant memories.

I started to read more, picked up playing video games once again – after choosing years ago to stop wasting money on something so frivolous and fruitless. But loneliness will make us ache, make us reach out for something, anything to fill that hole. Sure, there may be a few good friends, but realistically, I don’t see myself calling anyone to catch up after every day of work, especially when I get home at 10PM from two jobs, still have to cook dinner, and don’t have the energy to do anything else.

God is still calling.

I can hear him in the midst of it all.

He is behind, beyond the chaos.

Come Home.

Come back.

Rest in me.

Come into my arms my son.

My love is endless,

Unconditional.

Now I feel my future being erased, being rewritten. What I thought I knew about my life and how it should have been are being changed, being transformed, transformed into something new. I am seeing the sunshine again ever so slightly, the darkness being pulled back a little at a time. God is revealing His will for me, not my own. I am seeing more though his eyes than my own.

If anything, God is with me.

I am never truly alone as His child.

So, my future is being erased, gone from existence – but God's future for me is coming into focus. I am sure there will be trials to come, life will confuse and frighten me. God will challenge me and stretch me so that I might grow. Yet, none of these things are for my glory but for God's glory, for His Kingdom, to show His love, His unrelenting, unconditional love to others.

In all things, may God be praised.

And may my future be written by God, never myself.

~ Daniel Brockhan

Resurrect Me (Easter Sunday Poem)

Resurrect Your Love,
Your Life in me.

From the depths of sin and shame,
From chaos and disorder,
Resurrect me.

As You rose to new life,
Death could not hold You,
So help me rise from the ashes,
The remnants of my life lived without You.

Resurrect me,
From all the things to which I run toward,
Those idols I put before You,
The life I wanted and desired,
The love I hungered or still hunger for,
Any amount of wealth or security I put before You,
All my possessions that take my eyes,
Take my thoughts from You.

Resurrect me,
When I seek to glorify myself,
Myself more than You.

Resurrect me,
From my selfish ways,
That led me far from You,
The lies that I thought were true,
The lies that kept me bound,
That kept me far from You,
My first love.

Jesus, my Lord,
Resurrect me today.

A-men

~ Daniel Brockhan

From:
http://daniel-brockhan-poetry.blogspot.com/2016/03/resurrect-me-easter-sunday-poem.html

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