Why Men Are Leaving the Church

Within the last few years, I have seen many articles (some links at the bottom of this blog) on why men, including single men, are leaving the church. Many of these blogs and articles have spoken of the feminization of the church; with flowers, plants, and other things seemingly "feminine". Among singles, I have read in most places that men are leaving the church because they are not men but boys. They do not want to man-up and take on the leadership role but would rather live with their parents, drink, and play video games. While some of these critiques may be true, I would like to offer some different ideas and perspectives.

(1) The Recession - Stereotypically, many say women deal with the issue of being seen as pretty, attractive, especially as beautiful. While men do desire to be seen as attractive, men tend to want to be told they have done a good job, provided, and been successful. In the last five years, the recession has made men feel they are failing at being men because of circumstances out of their control. Even between my graduation from seminary in 2008 and my chaplain residency in 2011, I felt I was a failure. For the man who is married, especially with children, this is something so very horrible. To be forced every day to get up and apply for jobs and/or work minimal jobs until something good comes along, if it comes along at all, is torture. When a man’s value is found in his work and success and he is fired or can’t find a job, he will recoil; move inward, as he tries to deal with all of his emotions. Yes, men do have emotions, but most do not prefer to show them and may only express these to key individuals and close friends. For the single person, this presents a problem because his equity and date-able-ness is found in his success as a person: Is this man someone who has goals, purposes, and a good job? Can be provide? See, even with equality between the sexes becoming more prominent, men are still bound up as their role as provider and leader, so when they cannot exude success, even when dating, they feel like failures. As these men feel like failures, they will seek NOT to be around others (including church), having to constantly address their situation with others (Also: Most things to do [including dating for singles] cost money: Movies, Bowling, Lunch, Dinner, etc - money these people do not have to spend).

Movie to See: "Company Men"

(2) Leadership/Headship - One thing I cannot get over is how the leadership or headship of the male is becoming an end-all to arguments and conflicts, with the man being called to fault. If the house is not cleaned, to whose satisfaction and perception is it not clean enough? Who thinks who is too lazy or not productive enough? If a couple comes in for counseling, who do we think is the problem? The truth is that marriage is about compromise and communication (and love of course), so one has to wonder who is wrong when the men never seem to be able to be up to the standard women seem to want. The real truth is both. A more rational and logical step would be to sit down and communicate together, as equals, and express desires and expectations, then find some mutual agreement. Now, understand I am speaking in stereotypes and generalizations. For too long, the man as the headship has been used to target men as the problem, how could it be otherwise when he is "in charge"? If the household is in disarray and the children have gone wild, the man was not being a good enough husband, father, and/or leader for his household. I have also experienced this as being single. I was in Sunday School once where the women started saying in a dating relationships when ladies are in too emotional, get physical, or are spiritually down; it is the man's fault because he is supposed to be the leader. They made themselves as docile, sensitive creatures, who were innocent, naive, and any problem stemmed from the man not stepping up to the plate. I present that this is causing many single men to leave the church. The church should be a safe place and I think many men feel blame because of the leader and headship role. It is ridiculous and wrong. However, if these men said something, many would just tell them they are not fulfilling their God-ordained role; so instead many men are likely to just leave the church. I propose that men and women are equals, marriage and dating are partnerships, and any submission should be both mutual and under God.

Scripture to Read: Ephesians 5

(3) Dummy Mentality - Ever hear a preacher say something like: "It is not his fault, he just doesn’t know any better" OR "You will have to forgive him, he's a man"? I propose that the church may be supporting an underlying feminism it isn’t even aware of, namely, one in which women are smart and men are dumb. It seems like when a woman does something wrong it is a mistake but when a man does something wrong it is because he is simply not smart... You can't blame him for not being as good as a woman, right? I present this as another perspective on why men are leaving the church, they simply do not like being mocked or joked about. Sure, mistakes and funny situations happen, but generalizing them and projecting those onto men, and also onto the intellect of men, instead of a mistake, is not only mean, it is degrading. How would a woman feel if someone in the pulpit said: It is not her fault, she is a woman. Wait… wasn’t this some of the old ways men spoke of women? Is it possible now there is some kind of switch taking place? How is this possible?

TV Show to See: Everybody Loves Raymond

Men Do Have Emotions, They don't like to share them...
If they do share, they want and desire a safe place...
Church currently does not seem to be that place for them.

Men want to be listened to, not just talked at...
Men want to feel heard and understood...
Church currently does not seem to be that place for them.

What do you think?
Why are men, married and single, leaving the church?
Do you think the church is (too) masculine or feminine?
What changes should be or can be done to remedy this situation?

~ Daniel

Links/Articles:

http://praisecleveland.com/discussion/edpowell/do-men-hate-going-to-church/

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/arts-and-life/life/faith/no-men-in-the-pews-could-be-churchs-fault-102210019.html

http://churchformen.com/men-and-church/why-do-men-hate-going-to-church/

http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/ChurchAndMinistry/menhatingchurch.aspx

http://www.christiancentury.org/article/2011-10/why-do-men-stay-away

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002510.cfm

http://www.boundlessline.org/2012/01/do-you-have-a-friendgirl.html

Letter to Females

(Edit: From January 2012)
There are many things I want to say, to express, to my female friends, my females sisters in the faith, but I can’t find an outlet, cannot find a way, so I suppose this is the best way I can think of to tell you what I think, what I feel about who you are, and who you are going to become...

Let me get started...

For a long time now I have seen you question yourself. I have seen you define yourself through the eyes and desires and needs of others. I see you squander and hide yourself and your identity behind the cloak of someone else. You seek their approval for who you are, who you have been, letting that define your self and who you will be and become in the future.

You are stronger than you think.

I see strength in you, a strength you must really not know you have, and one I see in the day to day. Many of you strive for perfection, though this may sometimes go overboard, it shows your dedication and sincere thoughts for the things you do and want to accomplish. To the home mom, I see strength in your care and concern for your child, for your home, and for the lives of your husbands and kids. I see this strength in the woman who works; who leaves her kids each day, has been left by her grown children, or is working to better herself. I see the most strength in the single moms, who perform all functions of raising children while also working. I find it ironic that the most hard-working women are the ones who are likely to be judged so much more than anyone else. You stick with your children, love them. You wear your family as a badge of honor and rightfully so... It is sad to think people use it as a way to judge your past in some way, trying to sow honor as dishonor.

In You I see Beauty.

I am not just talking about superficial beauty here, though I know how much your looks concern you. You wonder if all that makeup will change the way the world sees you, the way you see yourself. Will it make you look normal, sexy, professional? You wonder if you will ever be a healthy weight. A pretty weight? An attractive weight? A weight that will finally, after all that work, all that exercise, and all those diets, make you feel confident in yourself... Finally feel comfortable in your own skin.

But you are more than your looks,
Though some of your identities seem tied and bound by them,
At least in your own thoughts and those dark times at night,
And those dark times in the day, when you questions yourself once again.

But what you don’t know, what you cannot see is what others see. The beauty of who you are on the inside. The way you care for others. How you express concern for the poor, the oppressed, the taken advantaged and disadvantaged; you simply cannot know how lovely it is to see how much you care. The ways you care for your family or desire a family, for being the great wife and/or mother you are or the great wife and/or mother you will become when the time comes. You are beautiful for the way you do your job, the way you face you fears. You are beautiful, not because that is what psychologist say women desire most, but because it is who God made you, who God made you as a unique person. There is only one you. You are beautiful in your identity, whoever and however you are.

Own your likes and dislikes, and do not sacrifice pieces of you for someone, for anyone else. Cherish and protect those pieces of yourself, keep them always and forever. Mold your own identity based on who you are and who you will become. You will find you are most beautiful and most strong and free when you are simply yourself; body, mind, and spirit.

These are the things I have been wanting to say, to you; my sisters, my friends, the females circling my life. You are more than you know, many times more than you give yourself credit for, but so important to my life, and the life of everyone around you. So I end this letter, just saying to be you. You give another great life to the world in your comings and goings.

~ Daniel Brockhan

Radical & Extreme

There are many cries in Christian circles, especially in places involving youth, college, contemporary, post-modern, or emerging; that the terms radical or extreme are being used. The problem with such terms is that Christianity is by its very nature radical and extreme. Have you heard those things that Jesus said: Love you enemies (MT 5:44; LK 6:27), Pray for those who persecute you (MT 5:44), you will do greater things than these (JN 14:12), you will receive power (Acts 1:8)?

Look at Jesus actions: He stood up for a women caught in adultery and told her go and sin no more (JN 8:1-11). He was a single man found talking to a woman at a well, and the woman was a Samaritan (known by Jews as an unclean half-breed (JN 4:1-26)). Even in the story of the Good Samaritan, Jesus told us we can find our neighbor in what we would call unlikely places, they too are invited into the Kingdom of God (LK 10:25-37). All of this is extreme. All of this is radical.

The fact that God became man and dwelt among us, the word made flesh, this is extreme (JN 1:1-14). The life that Jesus lived, the way he died, and then rose; this is radical. The basics of Christianity are what we call radical and extreme. The problem is we are using these labels to try to sound new, hip, interesting; but we do not need to do this because the gospel itself is not only interesting, it is life-changing, life-altering, and life-giving.

The next time you are in church, just take a moment to observe what is going on. Watch. Listen. Observe. As the people of God worship God, as they are united into fellowship with the Trinity, into community with the Trinity and one another. There is a power there. There is a love there. There is life there.

We seem to miss it, even in the midst of being present, even in the midst of doing; we become desensitized, to the greatness and beauty of God. We trade the greatness of our own faith for the distraction of another, more mediocre faith, one that has required nothing of us. One that allows us to live how we desire then find it acceptable to let us into its doors once or twice a week and call ourselves saved, call ourselves followers of Christ, name our self Christian.

Sometimes in reading scripture I get the feeling all the things we seem to call radical and extreme about Christianity and Christian-living, are simply things we should have been doing all along. We don't want to accept the fact that many of us have been constantly living a mediocre faith. The only person to really blame for this is our self.

~ Daniel

Worship Wars: Old vs. New

Growing up in my church I felt this pulling, this tug, especially when I was in the youth group towards a newer, more contemporary style of worship. In truth, it spoke to me very well. At times it played my emotions. As I grew older I began to see the value in the old style of worship, the more traditional style that has been passed down through generations unchanged. Here I will look at both of these and then look at the question of the war between the two.

New

The New style of worship, in this time, is known as contemporary, maybe modern, post-modern, or even an emerging style of worship. It is known for its use of a band, usually akin to a rock band in the choosing of its members, but may be slightly different if it is a niche church. This style of worship has low lights, if any, during the worship time. The only lights are on stage, and while some try hard to guard against it, there are times this style of worship seems more like a concert than a worship service. These services try to include many more forms of worship, inviting guest speakers, a variety of ways to have communion, baptism, prayer, and also might not have a formal time to give ones tithe. There is likely a high use of technology and an underlining belief that it is the churches responsibility to constantly update this technology to reach the people in the community, which can add to costs.

Old

The older, more traditional style of worship is what has been around since your grandma and her grandma and so forth. Traditional is what becomes comfortable for most people, in the same way that newer worship brings about emotions for the younger, so this brings up memories. Traditional worship is usually made up of hymns and sometimes includes praise choruses. There is normally a particular way each service is done and this way does not deviate except in the case of special holidays. Some older worship is liturgical, while others prefer the term traditional, so not to sound too much like other denominations. Hymns bring about memories of old times with friends, of Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, and the importance of doctrinal truths.

War

As I said previously, from the time I was young, to now, this issue of old vs. new comes up again and again. Like the color of the carpet in the church, decisions must be made and members (or elders) take their opposing sides. Each gets ready to state why their own side is the true and best way to worship. Contemporary is best because it brings up feelings. Traditional is best because it brings up memories. Change is good. No change is good. I want to feel. I want to remember. And inevitably, if your church is large enough, the split into two separate services will follow. But, is this the best choice?

Community

The problem with splitting the church into two services in general can be a bad idea. Why? Because church is about the community of God, in Christ Jesus, coming to gather together. When that gathering is separated the church literally becomes divided. True, there are times when the church is growing so large is MUST have two services, but much experience has shown me that at least one service is little attended, and little-needed. So, what is the answer: Blended

Blended

This is the kind of worship service that is hard. This is the kind of service you most constantly work on, asking what are the things we should value and keep and what are the things we should do away with? What are the feelings and memories we want to bring to the surface during this worship time? How can be speak to ones past and to ones future, helping them along in their journey of discipleship, teaching them how to both value traditions but also value change? Above all, this style no longer lets people take sides, but asks if they want to be apart of community, part of a spiritual compromise, to gather as one, despite differences, and worship God together. Above all, it tells the congregation that worship is not a ME TIME, it is Community and God time. We shed our individual needs and take on the needs of the community, and in doing so, realize we can worship God in many settings, for what matters most is the presence of ones heart being open to God, being available to be molded and changed into the image of Christ. Church is a time for community, not ME TIME, that is what personal quiet times of study and prayer are for in the Kingdom of God.

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” - Matthew 22:36-40

~ Daniel

Pic:

http://www.leslie2k.com/images/Worship%20God.jpg

http://oneyearbibleimages.com/worship_god_.jpg