Will the Holy Spirit Please Stand Up?

For those who know me the best, they know that these past few months, especially the last few weeks have been rather rough for me. So many things have seemed to be collapsing in, the largest thing is graduation from seminary and the inevitable seeking of what God has for me after that day in December. Finding and knowing God’s will, being certain of it can be difficult. In addition, as I have lived my spiritual life so far, I am convinced that there are times when God’s will comes at us specifically and to disobey would be a grave mistake; however, there seem to be other times that his will is much more general, that we are too obey God and love others with the light of Christ. Sometimes this thought is comforting too me, that one mistake does not mean I have messed up my whole life; yet it also leaves knowing where to go seeming very grey and vague.

I say all of this as a back-story to an experience that happened this past week… and I am almost there. Two important things happened this last week that had begun to help me with these thoughts of my inevitable future, which has been bringing me serous worry and doubt. First, I totally started reading the book of Jeremiah. This is a prophet of God I feel a kindred spirit too, as he cries out to God constantly that he feels unworthy for such a position and God continually is telling Jeremiah to move forward with his word. Second, I totally bought “This is our God” by Hillsong, a CD that gave me so much more comfort than I thought it would.

So, then Sunday comes.. And then Sunday night. And Bam!, I felt the Holy Spirit Sunday night at my church like never before in my life. Sure I have felt the Holy Spirit before in times of worship, in the need to pray for someone at the alter occasionally; however, this was something drastically different. I felt the Holy Spirit move in a way that night that made me feel as if I was actually a minister; that I was bold and compassionate; yet it was not something of me but from God. It is so very hard to explain in words. But beyond that, I felt and saw the Holy Spirit moving in my church in a way that I rarely see or feel (especially in the Baptist church). I saw my church truly as a family, as a community of brothers and sister praying and encouraging one another… and would you believe it was not something scripted on the worship bulletin. This experience gave me hope, not just for my own future, wherever God may lead me, but also for the universal church. I came out of that service different; I came out comforted and peaceful somehow. Many things were put into perspective and hope was restored in my own heart.

There are details to this experience I have left out, for privacy issues and for my own reasons. I may tell my closest friends more details in person or by some type of message.

After a few days of pondering this event, I have hit two questions. The first is something I have been thinking about over the last few months: Where is celebration in our churches? I mean, we are a part of the Kingdom of God and sometimes we seem more dead than alive in Christ (even myself I admit). The second question is this: Where is the room for the Holy Spirit in our churches (among those denominations that do not emphasize that part of the Trinity)? I do not think it should be over-emphasized, but in the Baptist churches I have been a part of, it seems to be squashed sometimes into submission to our worship order and meetings. Where is the balance between having no room and too much room? Well, this turned out totally longer than I expected… chew on some of the verse below.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2nd Corinthians 12:9-10

~ Daniel

Pic 1: Me
Pic 2: http://heartofflesh.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/holy-spirit.jpg

Hello, my name is Daniel… I am a Sinner…

I wonder if my last few blogs have been too open, too real? Can we be too open, too real? What is it about honesty that frightens us, when most people find honest or even blunt people, quite refreshing? I am so tired of the stigma that I have to be perfect, this set image because I am a minister or a seminary student. Yes, I have a responsibility to uphold the word of God and live a moral life; however, I also have the responsibility to live my own journey, and a journey leads to perfection and does not start from perfection. Why as Christians can’t we just admit we all have struggles and that we all sin, that we are imperfect. Isn’t that what the whole gospel message is for? When did we come to the place where we feel we must portray an image of perfection to be accepted, if anything, Jesus always seemed more accepting of those people called “sinner” and not those who seemed to “have it all together.”

 

I am a sinner. And my Savior is Christ Jesus. I am on this journey the same as anyone else, alongside my brothers and sisters, trying to help them, and being helped by them myself and by Jesus Christ. Jesus called his disciples his friends and so often I am saddened that in our churches, in these families, we have people on the outskirts of this so called family. No, it is not just the people deemed “unworthy” of the gospel because of how they dress or speak; it is also those who lead these churches, those who bear the responsibility of being an example of perfection. And the truth is that these people are not Jesus. I am not Jesus. Leaders will Fall. I will fall and stumble as well… Yet, Jesus remains my constant... and he should remain the constant and core of every Christian’s faith and belief. We trust in Jesus and not in any other person, no matter how perfect they may seem or how great a speaker they may be. We are all brothers and sisters in this journey, who all have our faults to work through with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and with the encouragement of our fellow Christians. It is not only those who seem “sinful” who need this encouragement but those who seem to have it together, both those who follow and those who lead need encouragement and need people alongside them, listening instead of judging, hearing instead of pointing an accusing finger.

I intended this blog to be about finding home... but it looks like something else came out in its place. Sometimes things need to be said and people need to be honest, never to be hurtful – but always to be helpful. Tonight I pray for all my brothers and sisters on the outskirts, both those who stick out like a sore thumb as abnormal in the church – but also for those who are leaders in the church, especially ministers, who feel they have to hide parts of themselves lest they be judged by everyone as something less than perfect, something less than “above reproach”. I pray that as Christians we would stop hurting and yelling at each other long enough to look into each others eyes and realize we are all in this journey of faith together, for none of us lives on an island alone. I pray that God forgive us for our lack of love that we have replaced with judgment, for the fact that in our churches we have to hide ourselves more than we open ourselves to one another. Perhaps the tide will change and we will see openness and honesty come about. I believe it is the only way we can witness to others… and the only way others will listen to our witness…

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://activerain.com/image_store/uploads/8/5/1/4/3/ar119056881934158.jpg

The Journey: My Current Life Theme

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Hebrews 12:1

Last night I was laying in my bed just thinking and pondering things as I tend to do... And I just cannot get over how life is so much like a Journey. Sometimes I liken it to Chess, because its not just the pieces involved, but where those pieces go on the board, and also the personality of the person you are playing against on the other end. In Chess, you must stay calm, try to see what is to come, but also must accept that you cannot change any past moves but only can change the progress of the game into the future. So it is with our own life, our own pathways, our own journey of life and of faith, and for those committed Christians we do not distinguish the two, for our life and our faith are so intertwined that to break them would mean utter chaos.

More recently, my journey has caused me times of struggle and trial at times, questioning or worrying about the future, about what moves to make or not make; however, somehow when I lay everything before God he gives me a peace that I do not, and cannot find, by myself. The theme of a journey is that I am continuing my walk with Christ and learning what that means within my life, and in my relationships with God and with others; that God guides me and I follow. However, following also means trusting and having faith, which in the last few years have become such real struggles in my Christian walk because I am no longer under the "protection" of my parents and now must truly begin to learn what it means to have God as my Father, and also have God as my friend.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

The journey is also about balance, for no one goes on a hike without rest, nor would they get anywhere without struggling at times and even falling down from the occasional stumble. But a person striving to finish the journey, to meet the goal, will always dust themselves off and continue, continue because they know that what lies ahead, while now unknown, is greater than what is behind them.

I suppose these are just some thoughts I felt I wanted to let out for some reason. Perhaps anyone out there struggling with trusting God will find they are not alone. Maybe another will re-think what it means to be a Christian. For me, the theme of Journey means that I am following Christ, through thick and thin, believing and trusting that in the end God loves me and knows what is best for me... and that, in fact, God is on this journey with me, alongside me as my God and as my friend, so that I am not alone.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.carolinapathways.org/images/pathway.jpg

Journey Into Solitude

Day One - 06/20/2008

Faith is not easy and certainly sometimes messy and confusing… And examining oneself is always a risk of seeing the light or the darkness that is revealed inside ourselves…These thoughts came about when, in a time that happens occasionally, I retreated from community and people to be alone, to be in solitude specifically and intentionally. It is not something that happens often, but a drawing I feel from God sometimes, though sometimes it begins with me feeling lazy I admit. Also, this is a response to the second chapter on Solitude from the book “Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation” by Ruth Haley Barton.

I sit here, silent in my room. Deep in thought, in prayer; hearing only the hum of my air conditioner. What secret things come to mind during this time? Will it make a difference now or later?

… I believe I lack passion and bold, the two qualities I seem to lack but admire in others. Perhaps I am a lazy Christian, seeing the benefit of these attributes but not really wishing to do what is required to attain such things… Sometimes I wonder if being a Christian really does make my life different – or even being a youth minister? Do I really change or help God in changing others? Do I really even transform myself? My lack of a prayer life is obvious, except in those times of confusion when I cry out to God for insight and answers. Maybe I would have more clarity if I prayed more, read my Bible; actually worked on my own spiritual life instead of being spiritually comatose.

It all becomes business at some point to me… all just a pattern of life – of work, ministry, classes, and even friendships. Where is my spontaneity and where is my quietness? Where is my passion and where is my peace? I long for something different, something new and meaningful, not just in my life, but within myself. What have I become? Who am I becoming? Is it something Christ-like or something selfish?

I worry about my future – what will happen to me? Where will I be in nine months? Does God have someone for me? Will I be single for my whole life? What church wants a single minister? Where do I fit in? Why do I feel incomplete? Why do I long for more and should I? Questions like these keep me up at night and make me rise early, loosing sleep. I find myself doing things to distract me from such questions, from such worry. I do not feel alone now but am worried about becoming alone again soon when I graduate and may move away. What a cruel trick by God to give me community and friendships, only to swipe and take them away, leaving me lonely once again.

… I despise loneliness as an introvert. I do not think it is good for people to be alone, to not hear others voices or laugh with another. However, every now and then – like today – I find a need to retreat into myself. To find that quiet place, not alone but by myself, not isolated but at peace, not depressed but merely taking time to sit still.

My television is off, my music is off… I can only hear my AC and the sound of grasshoppers and some late-night birds chirping outside my window… I get satisfaction out of this time alone, my thoughts focus and I gain peace with God somehow when these thoughts become intentional, when writing things down; though writing does not fix, it does help to clarify that these are my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my fears, and my longings.

I do not often retreat from my friends, but when I have this urge to be alone, quiet, to do nothing – I feel as if it is something vital, something needed, something to be respected. Is it God calling my bluff, telling me I am too busy or that I should stop ignoring Him. Is it my own conscience balancing my sanity, my introverted nature with my situations calling me to be extroverted. Will my friends understand this retreat or feel betrayed? Should I feel guilty for taking such time or should I feel accomplished somehow?

In the back of my head, even now, I feel that all this writing is for nothing if I do not do; yet I am supposed to let God change me – to wait. As an introvert I feel I wait too much and do not do enough. I find it hard to clarify a balance between waiting and doing, being and becoming, being realistic and optimistic, desiring change and wanting to stay the same. I find it hard to know what I really want and desire – and that makes it hard to know pretty much anything at all…

Day Two - 06/21/2008
Not only did I skip-out/cancel in my friends to go to the lake yesterday but I also skipped my friends wedding today. I do not know why I have retreated into this state of solitude; or how confused, angry, or bitter my friends may be about this… What I do know is that this time alone has felt necessary, like it is what I am or was supposed to do. I am not sure it was “God’s will” perhaps… but I do think he has drawn me to himself and shown me some places of myself I would rather keep hidden from others, some of them hidden from even myself.

I sit here now in the library and think and pray, looking out the window, viewing the north side of Abilene. It is so quite in a quite refreshing way. Here and now all the noise is gone, of work, of school, of my ministry, of my friends. It is in this place of quiet I can think, in this place I can finally talk to God intentionally; instead of sporadically as I toss back and forth in my bed worried about the things in my life. It is not that all my worries are gone, but that instead of merely spouting off things to God, when I intentionally come before God, that time is refreshing instead of exhausting.

I love sitting here, seeing the grass and the trees around the campus… and seeing the people walking around, driving, and having fun at the pool. I watch people sometimes… and I wonder what their lives are like… I wonder if they have normal families or deeply troubles ones. Do they know you God and your saving grace or do they feel hopeless in this world? But enough writing now… I will sit in silence and enjoy the view…

~ Daniel

Pics From:
http://pointofview.bluehighways.com/images/confusion.jpg
http://novustaxservice.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/MemberQuestions-4Web.97202224_std.gif
http://fc05.deviantart.com/fs5/i/2004/360/8/9/Enjoy_the_Silence_by_WickedNox.jpg