Trusting God

Trusting God is never an easy thing, especially when transitions come along. You literally question every decision and when you are single and by yourself, while you do have friends and family to bump choices off of, the ultimate decision, and the primary actions are all done by yourself. Sometimes you feel as if you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, so much responsibility to be successful and be a certain way, live a certain way, as if you must take the world on all by yourself. Sure there are people around but they almost exist on the outskirts of your life, they exists based on the decisions you choose or do not choose, sometimes they revolve around you but are not necessarily connected to you anymore, because now you are older, you are independent and must learn to live on your own. On some level I agree and seek out this individuality, this wanting to be successful by myself; yet I find myself wanting balance because I also desire community and fellowship.

For those who knew me in my past I was much more introverted than I am now, less likely to put myself out there, less likely to talk to different people, or be up on stage. I questioned my own calling into youth ministry because of my lack of charisma and outgoingness, even some of my own friends questioned this calling for someone like me. Still I heard God calling my name, something that I knew I must do, something he was calling me to do and would grant me the strength to do, to be in His timing and not my own. It has been a difficult but great change for me the past few years, becoming a better minister, Christian, and person. I seek out friendships where before I would not have. I offer my hands to friendships whereas before I would have let slip by me because I felt I could give no more. And still in the back is that person who walks back instead of forward, who wishes to be in the background instead of stepping up, who wants friends but has a hard time putting himself out there, for the fear of rejection, the fear of people no understanding him, not understanding me, progresses to the front. Still I have to balance myself, my fear of being a no one with the expectation to be someone great, to be the Man of God I know I can be, the one I hear God calling me to be. The journey is sometimes hard but the rewards for changing, for transforming are so sweet. God has been good to me so far and while sometimes I doubt or have worry, sometimes feeling nervous and other times anxious, I know God will be good to me into the future.

If you have made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read all of this. My hands just keep typing, the ideas flowing, and I feel compelled to write a little more. I think in our lives we do not encourage one another much, we do not lift one another up, not only in prayer but in front of others for doing good, for simply being good people, or for showing and being an expression of Christ in another’s life. Nathan - Wow, you have been there a lot for me the last few weeks buddy. I came into town and you and your wife let me stay at your place, even gave me a key for while I was there. You helped me move all my stuff into my apartment and even get some extra stuff. You have helped me more than you know and it means a lot to me. You give selflessly many times and I thank God for your friendship and know your generosity will be rewarded. Rey - you have also been a great friend the last few weeks, coming over to see my place and chatting with me sometimes. I know you look to change yourself, to find something new. I pray that God comforts you as you change while not compromising the key parts of yourself that make you yourself. Mandi - When I was freaking out about my car and looking for someone to drive me to the car place you gave me a ride and asked me how things were going. Thanks. Katy - Even though you are struggling with your own future and transitions, you still pray and check-up on me. Thanks. Some things may seem huge and others small but I know God will reward your kindness and I am thankful for each of you. So, life is confusing for me right now but God has been and will be good. My current predicament has left me calling out to God and reading scripture more lately and this verse stuck out to me this morning:

Commit to the Lord Whatever You Do,
And Your Plans Will Succeed.
Proverbs 16:3

May God Bless You
May He Comfort You and Me
Your Brother in Christ

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://mikemilton.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/istock_000002620307small.jpg

Pondering Review

As I sit here a few days after graduating from Seminary, I cannot help to reflect on, not just the last year, but on about the last 2.5 years I have spent in Abilene. I suppose many would say that spending about three years in Seminary should make me feel smarter and more competent and while it defiantly has helped, I think a lot of growth was with me personally, but not intellectually. The changes are more in the way I relate to people and the experiences I have gone though and even pushed myself through. I think many people push themselves more than others realize, whether it be jobs, friends, relationships, and even in their spiritual lives. In the end, the journey we are on, the path we find ourselves is mostly always our own doing, for good or for bad.

Before I came to Seminary, I had never held a position in a church. Sure I had helped out in various ministries in my hometown, I had even helped out in Baptist Student Ministries; however, these were not staff positions, and I have realized the differences between volunteer and paid church leadership in the last two years. A lot has to do with the responsibility, realizing that you are the central core to a vital ministry in the church... this is not to say that you are the all-important minister. However, it is to say that without vital staff leaders and lay leaders all using their gifts and abilities for ministry that the church would easily crumble and fall. While I am still not always confident in my own skills and know I lack the charisma of some other ministers out there, I am more confident in my calling now than I was in the past and know that God will continue to grow and transform me into the minister that He sees me to be using the gifts and talents he has bestowed upon me... and comparing oneself and ones ministry to another does nothing but make spirituality a game... and that is not what Christianity or the church is all about.

Still, most of my growth has been much more personal. I have learned how to push myself more when I use to be the one to always stand back and wait. I still do wait for the Lord but have learned that sometimes waiting is just an excuse to do nothing at all. Not just in ministry but in relation to friendships and relationships, learning to be more bold is something important. I am not extroverted, I do not have that charisma that instantly attracts people to me, and to be honest, I always find myself weary to extroverts, because I feel like they are always trying to show off. On the other hand, with introverts it takes time to sift through the initial shyness or their anti-social tendencies to get to the core. All I am saying is getting to know people takes time and getting to become good friends with people takes time as well but the blessing of those friendships can be wonderful.

What I am astounded by is how when you are friends with people, you can begin to see things in people that they can either never see in themselves or never would admit to seeing in themselves. In my friends I have seen many great qualities: In one I have seen and received the gift of help many times. This friend is constantly helping me in situations and also calls on me for help when it is needed. It is rare to find people who actually say they will help you out and then follow through with it. Another friend has showed me courage, though she would never see herself as a courageous person. She has pushed herself to the limit and though she tried to hide parts of herself, I hope that someday she will see the courage to overcome anything in her life the way I see it. I have another friend who has shown me both strength and what a true encourager is, she gives of herself selflessly, usually expecting nothing in return. Sometimes she is drained but does not give up because she leans on the strength of Christ. Actually, I think all of these friends do, as well as myself. I do not know where I would be without Christ today, without the hope he gives, the light that keeps shining in this dark world, and the strength I always find in my own weaknesses.

So, I guess that is it. Not as beautifully worded as some other notes/blogs but something I just felt like putting out there. Transformation is possible, it can be achieved; however, we must always remember that change takes time, effort, and struggle. every journey takes a long time, as one finds themselves among many paths, some steep, others lushes and green, some make us fight the cold while others have heat that makes us sweat, some are windy while others are soaked with rain. We choose our path, we walk our own journey, and thankfully God provides us with friends, and provides us with the consolation that Christ Jesus is with us all along the way.

~ Daniel

p.s. - To those who do not know already... A week before Christmas my grandpa on my mother's side past away. Christmas has been different this year, filled with both joy and sorrow. We are glad he is not suffering but sad to see him go. In times like this, one learns to cherish those around them, both family and friends, because you realize that you may not see that person again.



Love you Grandpa!

Pic:
http://www.clarencestowers.com/the_urban_pastor/images/2008/03/30/ponder.jpg

Smile

Behind our smiling faces lies the truth, broken faces, broken people who suffer needlessly, tirelessly by themselves, alone. Behind these faces are hopes, behind these faces are dreams, visions, ideas and hope for the future, usually hope that becomes squandered by the world, by the place that gives us so much joy and so much grief. Behind those faces are people, souls, family, and friends, those who love us and those who despise us, those who would do anything for us and those who would not lift a finger to help another. Behind those faces are deep friendships and others that will only last for a time. Behind those faces are ones who have rejected us and ones who accept us as we truly are...

Thoughts of closeness and thoughts of distance, thoughts of great happiness and grief, thoughts of understanding and of confusion. Sometimes those faces are complicated and other times so simple and strait-forward, sometimes pessimistic and other times optimistic in spite of circumstances. Some have problems, trials, temptations, pain, and suffering. some are running from their past while others are unsure of their future. Some sit still in the present while others are too busy to appreciate anything in the now. Some are too emotional and others too intellectual in their pursuits. Some want romance while others want practicality. Some have given up on their hopes and dreams while other persevere to find them lived-out. Some follow the extremes of life while others follow balance and moderation.

Some write words to encourage while others write words to judge. Some write without knowing what may come, who they will meet, or where they will go. Some write because it gives them voice when they have no other. Some speak with fire and other with soft compassion. Some people hear and listen while others ignore. Some people connect with others while others run away. Some people hide themsleves, hide from themselves because of the truth they wish not to face. They hide behind their smiling faces, their clean-cut image when underneath they are breaking, falling, broken. They lift up there eyes and cry for help.

Will God hear them? Will God heal them? Will God change something? Will something new happen? Is there hope? Where will life go from here? Will I depend on Jesus? Will I find strength from my Savior? When will all this be done? When will I be made new? When will I be broken no more? when will I see faces smiling with no facades, no hidden pains, but only pure joy beneath? That time when there will be no worry, no anxiety, only life and peace. That day when brokenness is broken and joy is made complete.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj231/Heidikorolew-yo/smile.png

Enter In

Yesterday in chapel at my seminary we had small groups, which I almost did not attend because it is about prayer. Prayer has been a hard concept for me lately, because I feel like I have been crying out to God but have not received clear answers. I am not saying I do not believe, nor am I saying I never doubt, but I just feel like things are blurry, vague, and unclear to me. I know one day I will look back and know this is where I was supposed to be; however, for those who are going through tough or confusing times, it is never easy and always hard, something of a terrible struggle that test our faith, trust in God, and ability to persevere despite the darkness we perceive around us.

Go to the Link below (open in a new tab/window):
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/McCROJ

Press play on the song, and then continue reading...

... So, I pushed myself to go to chapel, because I know we should push ourselves into situations that make us uncomfortable, it is the only way we ever really grow I think. And after such nudges, I am always happy and glad I did. In small groups we talked about music and its affects on us, especially in regard to our prayer life. I spoke of how music speaks when we cannot speak, puts lyrics to music and opens the gates of emotions, of joys, of fears, of gladness, of tears. I also find music to be worshipful, sometimes stopping what I am doing when a song really speaks, almost being paralyzed by the truth found within, quieting myself in the penetrating presence of God that may come over me, even if for one song.

Then we listened to a Gregorian chant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregorian_chant). I was surprised how quickly the song, the music spoke to me. Even though the lyrics were in another language (Latin I believe), I was brought to the idea of God's beauty and the blessings he has given us, and has given me. From there I was taken in my mind's eye to stained-glassed windows, cathedrals, and dim candle-light; however, it did not end there.

I was then taken to images of a forest in the spring with a breeze, a gentle waterfall in the background. I was taken to images of the fall when leaves are changing and falling back and forth in the wind until they touch the ground ever so softly. I found myself in the winter-cold on mountain tops where everything was covered with snow. I found myself in a place of dry cliffs and canyons with the clouds rolling by, sometimes giving shadow and sometime giving light.

Then the music stopped and I was brought back to the present... and in so little time I felt my sense of peace begin to drop again as my life came back into view. I felt and feel like I had to leave that beauty, leave those images behind and return to my real life. It is sad that we do not associate the beauty of God or the beauty of creation with our real life. There seems no time to sit and view these scenes, hear the breeze rustling through the leaves, or listen to the birds chirping. We are all busy, rushing through life but not necessarily enjoying it. It is sad how programmed we are and we have no idea the constraints that are put on us by society and by self. Christ is here to break those chains I think, to set us free, not just spiritually but so that now we can truly see the world for what it is, see who we truly are, and everything is seen in a whole new way.

I wish I could say having Christ in my heart fills be with constant joy but it does not most of the time, not because salvation is not a great (the greatest!) gift but sometimes life just seems to grip me and pull me into its chaotic thoughts and ways. I struggle against pessimism and push toward optimism, wanting to dream while wanting to be real about things at the same time. Progress is never easy and is a very long process, one in which we are constantly changed by Christ, shedding of parts of the old and revealing aspect of the new.

Blessings,
~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.jenniferfarley.info/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/stained-glass-window1.jpg
http://www.1adventure.com/archives/images/new-cathedral-salamanca-spain-bw-lowres.jpg

Links:
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/?query=gregorian%20chant
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/xawrKy
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/mNK76l
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/tpxnRo