What Dreams May Come

I just woke up from another dream, another dream almost so bad it felt like a nightmare for some strange reason. I woke up with feelings of anxiety and my heart was pumping. I don’t know how to interpret dreams really... Are they a mix of my feelings? Are they random? Are they visions from God? Whatever it is, when I am in times of confusion and trouble, in times of transition and searching, my dreams seem to increase, and usually increase with and add to my anxiety as well.

I long to have pleasant dreams again, which I haven’t had a lot of since this past January. My soul has been on edge and with me leaving my church, it has become worse... Maybe it is anxiety over finding another church, over finding another ministry position, maybe me questioning if youth ministry fits me. I don’t tell people this but sometimes I have visions, day dreams about preaching Gods word... but not what is normally heard, at least in an acceptable Caucasian southern Baptist church. No, I have dreams of preaching like the prophets of the Old Testament like Ezekiel, Jeremiah, or Elijah. For some reason I think the church needs preaching but not from those who are fearful but those who seem to hold no fear, which is funny to hear from me, a guy who still has trouble getting up front in front of people (though not nearly as bad as it use to be by any means).

I see our churches declining and I wonder where the power of God is at in all of this. People say it is part of America’s moral decline and in other countries the gospel is exploding. In most of those countries the message is simply the gospel, the good news of Jesus but here in America we already know the good news or people think they do at least. What people need is to be awakened from their spiritual sleep; they need to see the gospel and church as relevant. And I think a lot of what the prophets said in the Old Testament is very pertinent to our present condition in our country and in our churches.

Who will help the poor? The government has Medicare and Food Stamps and Unemployment, but what is the church really doing about it? Should we have universal healthcare? How is the church helping those who cannot afford healthcare? (I am among them) Do we offer to help those in need freely or do we coerce them by our helping hands to hear the gospel message. I have heard stories where help was only offered if those in need attended some bible study, church service, seminar, or revival meeting. Is this the heart of the gospel? Do you think Jesus would hold carrots in front of a hungry person but tell them they could not eat unless they listened to his message? I don’t see Jesus using that kind of manipulation, maybe sometimes we depend more on a person hearing a sermon than on the Holy Spirit speaking after a kind act, leaving the person wondering why love would be shown freely, with no strings attached.

What dreams may come... for me in my jobs and ministry, for me in relationships which often confuse me, and for the future of the church in America and among all Christians, my brothers and sisters in the faith. In all things may we continue to seek and trust God.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://harvestfellowship.net/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/j0433074.143171504_std.jpg

New Steps and Trusting God Once Again

I am writing this, something I have wanted to write for a while, something that has been brewing in my heart and in my mind, filling me once again with questions and confusion. I will likely post this tomorrow but tonight(Aug. 2nd) I give my resignation to the church (My last will be Aug. 18th, 2009), to my first church, which comes as a bitter-sweet thing. I always decided I was going to leave when I really felt God calling me to leave the church, either because I just felt called to leave or because I felt called to another church. Well, I have been seeking God, seeking other possibilities of churches, mostly wanting to know where God wants me, in what direction he wants me to go (leave or stay).

I have interviewed with a couple of churches, some of you know this and I appreciate your prayers (and continuing prayers in all of this). But somewhere about a month ago I began to feel it was time to leave, to leave this first ministry position and prepare for the next one. So, even though I have had some interviews and no other jobs are lined up, I just feel it is time to move on, maybe to another youth group, maybe to another ministry besides youth. Really I just want to be open to God.

Also, the last few months my passion has been lagging, my spirit has felt burnt-out and heavy. I haven’t been coming to God like I need to and so I will also use this time to come before God, to work on me, my personal relationship with Him. I have been thinking of a few ways to do this, but I need to be refreshed, I need to call out to God, cry out to God, and be in a place to be able to hear his voice and be ready for whatever is next. I am also considering holding off any more interviews for about a month after my last day at VBC, I just feel I need some time, some peace, and some room to think and pray.

I often wonder what God has next for me, for it seems my plans always flop and so I need to be open to everything and that scares me, scares me because I know it means putting myself out there, being uncomfortable once again, it means trusting God as I sort through the fog and clasp my hand around the hand of my Father, of my God, hear his voice and follow once again into that unknown.

To those of my church who read this I loved you all.. and leaving feels like leaving a family, a family I have known for 2.5 years and have grown to love, have been use to seeing, and now I must leave, must go and follow because that is what we are supposed to do, not just as ministers but as Christians, go and follow when we hear God call, when we feel the Holy Spirit speaking to us in our lives.

May God bless us as we follow, may we trust as we go, may we find peace in knowing we are obeying in the midst of fear and our confusion about life and what will come next.

Your Brother in Christ,
~ Daniel

The Next Step

Something is happening to me, something that is coming, coming a little bit at a time. It happens when I wake up for work and begin that morning drive, it happens when I get home and check my mail, when I pay my bills, when I hang out with friends, and when I think and pray to God about my future. It is something that seems so subtle, but there is satisfaction there, in doing something, in having some purpose, some meaning, and in knowing that whatever God has for me will come in its time, that he is still preparing me, always preparing me for the next step, my next step, my next leap of faith. Sometimes I am challenged by his word, other time by seeing others actions, and other times by conversations with good friends, friends who know me, who see me in a way that others do not see me - they do not see me as just a minister, as just a worker, as just a son or brother - they see me as a friend, because there is some mutual interest there, they see me because I see them as well, and that is what a friend is, someone who is there, someone who shares in your struggles, who makes time for you though lives get busy. Friends are those whom we choose and who have chosen us, no bond by blood but by interest and the real ones dig deep into our souls and we into theirs, sometimes bringing out the best and other times making us confront those parts of us we wish to keep hidden, those parts we wish to ignore, those parts of self that confuse us, the ones we hide from and try our best to hide from others.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the future and how peoples perceptions of who I should be actually matter very little. People want you to always have a happy face and hide your true feelings and doubts because people want things tidy, they want things nice, most people prefer to hide their true selves and their problems. I am not that person and fight every chance I get when put into those situations where I feel I have to act in a “political” way. I try to be humble and not to be swayed to be something I am not even when the popular opinion may go the other way.

Ministers wear suits and stand up in front of congregations pray in grandiose ways and sway people with their great rhetoric and charismatic behavior, many even loose themselves in the midst of their job and congregations, forgetting who they are, getting burnt out trying to please everyone and be there to comfort everyone... but we are vessels and each is different, and each is broken if it is bashed too hard, if you try to put too much heat under it, or drop it on the ground so many times.

Ministers and people are supposed to entertain those around them, telling wonderful stories and having so much energy that others are attracted to them, others want to be around them, and if they are a Christian then that connection can be used to suck people into their views, persuade them to do what they are doing. They are loud and everyone hears them... but not everyone is that way… I am not that way. Where is the voice of those who cannot shout, where is the voice of those who are drowned out by those shouting who never give anyone else a chance to speak, who are so consumed by hearing their own voice they never consider what others desire, what others say, what others are struggling with.

Why is noise so much better than silence? Why are those who are charismatic and entertaining held up in such high regard to those who sit in silence? Maybe we need to learn to sit in silence, to hear the sounds of what is going on around us, to feel the gentle breeze, and maybe, perhaps somehow in there, we will hear the voice of God as well - not among the fire, great rushing waters, or earthquakes - but in the calmness. When life is quieted and God calls us forward once again out of the noise, out of the chaos; calls us to sit and listen, kneel and pray, or stand up and praise.

When did we loose our focus on simplicity and replace it with more is best.. more more more, doing more, being more, stretching more, stretching so far we feel our self about to break. So busy we try to do everything and find we have no time at all, the quantity remains but the quality of life has left us somehow, left us behind on the road of life, we see and smell the dust as it goes down the road, further and further away. Then, it is gone in the distance and we sit there, sit there wandering what we have done with our life. How did we get so far away? How did we become so distant? How did we become so confused? When did we become two or more people and how can we become one again? Sometimes feeling left by Christ and other times knowing the realization that it is us who left him when we forgot who we are, who he is, and how we let the darkness creep in and the light fall away. How do we bring that light back? How to we change inside so it shines outside?

... Something is happening to me. It happens when I wake up for work and begin that morning drive, it happens when I get home and check my mail, when I pay my bills, when I hang out with friends, and when I think and pray to God about my future. It is something that seems so subtle, but there is satisfaction there, in doing something, in having some purpose, some meaning, and in knowing that whatever God has for me will come in its time, that he is still preparing me, always preparing me for the next step, my next step, my next leap of faith...

~ Daniel

Article:
http://www.sodahead.com/question/393843/if-you-have-faithwhen-did-you-receive-it/

Pic:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCrJd_T2PW1DbMZY0gXPj0ykVmmcyRaCaJ6EAFeIOpgQLAlppJm6FJ93237NXfsPRZ3jN2RBWeqcNbfZ0L9xLZ7A9QCyXNG9pXaIButQRasIYzl_k790ypaT_wv8oYeoegr-t6DJbjK6cy/s320/old-town-stairs-big.jpg

A Fleece for Every Occasion

Today we had no truck at work, so I only worked three hours. I was kinda ticked off but I guess they could have sent us home after one or two hours, so better some work then none. I went to McDonald's and have brunch, two sausage biscuits with cheese and hash browns and a Dr. Pepper. I enjoyed eating slowly, taking my time since I had no where else to be. Then I just sat there, seeing the early morning sun, seeing the children eating with parents, and seeing the elderly population come out for brunch. As I was sitting there in the midst of my worry about bills and the future and trying to figure out and pray how God can and will use me, a strange peace came over time. I knew that the same God who made the sun that was coming up would be there for me, the same God who has been with me through my struggles the last year will continue to be with me, the God who I cannot always feel truly does care for me and provides for me... What I need to remember is to keep that mindset through the good and bad, no matter what comes my way. I need to learn to be more like Job in that way… trusting God more, I need to be less like Jonah running, and less like Gideon laying down the fleece and more like Paul suffering for Christ no matter his current state.

Sure we want a fleece for every occasion, a magic eight ball to answer all our spiritual questions, all of our life decisions would be so simple; however, there would be no work, no hardship, basically no need to trust or have faith. And perhaps we would stop trusting God and Jesus Christ and would put our faith toward a thing, an idol, something we believe that gave us direction but in the end will wither away like everything else. May God and Christ Jesus be glorified in all times, in all circumstances, forever and ever...

~ Daniel

http://www.ridgeway-church.org.uk/images/cartoons/fleece.JPG

Other Info on Gideon and the Fleece::
Short: http://www.gospelweb.net/YouthItems/gideonandthefleece.htm
Deeper/More In-Depth: http://www.growingchristians.org/dfgc/fleeces.htm