May 2011: Change & Seeing God's Will

So, it is now almost June, in two months I will be out of my apartment and in three in another town. However, this last month has been not only making me feel more comfortable about the idea of this program the next year but about pursuing hospital chaplaincy in general. Why? What has changed?

First, the last month I have once again been looking for a job, well a summer job, but the process is the same and since I have applied for 20+ places and only had one call for a phone interview, it makes me remember why I applied for this program and why I cannot stand the current job market but also why I desperately need to branch out and do something with my degree, even if it is something I did not plan. Sometimes to grow one must take risks, these risks stretch us, make us into better people, and help pave the road for who we will be in the future. Without taking risks, we become someone defeated, someone predictable, and someone who lacks the potential for change, flexibility, and growth; not only emotionally, but also spiritually.

Second, there have been a lot of changes going on at my store recently, a lot of people leaving and/or moving up (getting promoted). I know myself, and if I had not gotten into the program when I did and was set to move, I would probably be moving up (& that would have been comfortable for me). Now, it wouldn't have been bad but it wouldn't be stretching me and it would not be what I really want to do in life, in effect, I would be promoted but likely not truly happy. The good thing is, there are people besides myself who could use this chance, so in a way it works out for everyone... but I guess I am seeing God's timing in all of this right now, like it is almost too perfect to be a coincidence. I mean, what are the odds that right before I am planning to move, after two years of working stock, a plethora of openings would occur.

I think I can now say with full confidence that this is where God is leading me, has been leading me, at least for the next year, if not a new route for my life. God truly is mysterious, and His ways are so much easier to see in hindsight then in the confusion of the moment He speaks or changes the direction of our life. Still, it is a lot of hard work on our part physically to do, emotionally to trust, and spiritually to have the faith to move forward - but in doing so transformation can, does, and will occur.

Now the only two obstacles left for me now is having an apartment open up and making the move to Lubbock in August.. and then the new stage, a much better stage, in my life can begin.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." - Isaiah 55:8-11

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2nd Corinthians 3:17-18

~ Daniel

April 2011: Update on Me, Myself, & I

 It has felt like forever since I have written anything. The words just haven't come, despite topics coming through my brain, but life has been so completely crazy the last few months I guess it has just been so much I have had trouble compartmentalizing (or analyzing) it, much less actually writing any of it down.

As most of you know, I applied for CPE (hospital Chaplaincy) programs in January and got some interviews in February scheduled for March. My first phone interview felt terribly wrong and then my in-person interview in Lubbock ended up going so much better, so much so, they offered me the job on the day of my interview.. and of course I accepted. After that day I decided I wasn't going to any more interviews, some have agreed with this decision and others think I should have tried other places. I think Lubbock fits me and my first choice in Houston never called me back. Well, the last few months have been getting paperwork done for the program and also looking at apartments, which I finally found and filled out the paperwork.. now I just have to wait for an open one and I should be set to go and sign a lease in the next month or two for August.

Everyone, at church, work, family, & friends have all been asking me how excited I am about this program. I try not to be to obvious about my pessimism, but its not cause I am not happy or that I am not glad, it is because the last two years have hardened me somewhat I suppose, made me into a skeptic, maybe somewhat of a worrier. I fight against this tendency but it is there and makes me ask questions I should easily be able to ignore of give up to God yet have trouble doing either: Is this really what God has for me next? Does God want me to turn my back on youth ministry? On church ministry altogether? Will this new road truly be better for me? What happens after this program ends after one year? Will I have to find two jobs again? Where will I live? Will God provide a job or will I be thrown back into what I have had to live the last two years? These are the questions that seem to plague me...

The truth is: This is worth the risk and much better than anything I have found in 2-3 years since I graduated. I guess, the road has just been so tough it is hard for me to really think it is going to be over. I think maybe they will call and cancel me at the last minute.. or something like that. I know it sounds dumb, but doesn't worry always sound dumb. I try to claim the promises that God takes care of the flowers and birds and so he cares about me too (Matthew 6:25-34) but when your living in the thick of it, I guess it is just tough.

Part of me wants the next few months to be over, so I can just start this program, maybe it is the waiting that is freaking me out. It is also having everyone know I am leaving so they are saying goodbye, but its so far in advance it seems kinda odd right now. Also, a part of me wishes I had family close by who could help me move, but I guess I am too old now but am blessed to have good friends who are willing to fill that void and for that I am much appreciated. I have already had friends offer to help me move, to help drive my stuff, and give me a place to live for August before I move and my program starts.

And along with all of this, early in February I signed up on Eharmony during our winter Snow/Ice storm.. I guess I figured I was stuck for 3 days, so why not. I didn't really like it but I did browse and talk to some ladies but right before the free trial ended in March I put my fb info covertly on my profile and then got a msg from a girl a few days later. I have been chatting with her and actually met her a few weeks ago. She is nice, but it is kinda odd living far away, makes it harder to be certain of anything beyond friendship for now. She lives in Amarillo, so until I move to Lubbock, I can really only chat with her online and call her every few weeks. I guess, along with everything else, I am just uncertain, and while we are just friends right now, I dont want to break her heart (or mine) by getting closer than I should until I am closer to knowing my feelings towards her. Dating is just plain hard and confusing, especially when your not sure if you like that person in that way or if it would be better just to remain friends. For me, dating has consisted usually of either: (1) Me being interested in her, but she is not interested in me OR (2) she is interested in me, but I am not interested in her. Is that irony or just sad? ha ha ;.)

But I digress...

Prayers are appreciated, especially as I continue to make this transition and also look for a summer job to help get me through until August and the move. Thanks for reading friends and if you ever need an ear or a friend to pray for you, please always feel free to msg or call me and let me know.

Your Brother in Christ,
~ Daniel

My Spiritual Journey So Far

     My personal faith journey started in February, 1990 when I knelt on my knees beside my couch with my parents after watching the movie A Thief in the Night and accepted the Lord into my heart. I grew up in a Christian family where we went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday, though as a child I often would try to find ways to get out of going if possible. Still, things began to change for me after that night I accepted Christ in my heart. I finally began to understand there was something more going on, behind the scenes God was working, and I was concerned about what would happen to me when I died. Part of me accepted Christ because, like many, I was terribly afraid of going to hell and facing all that everlasting fire. However, I also knew that God loved me or he wouldn't have sent his son to die for my sins. It all just made sense, as much sense as my eight year old mind could comprehend.

     The next few years after my salvation experience were mostly the same. I went to church and did all the things I was supposed to, though I really thought church was pretty boring and tried to act sick so I could stay home. It seems funny now to look back at all those moments of me faking being sick or saying I had no clean church clothes so I could not go, and now I find myself seeking ministry and cannot think of not going to church on Sunday. Then I entered the world of middle school, which I found fascinating and scary at the same time. In elementary school everything seemed so simple and pure. On my first day in middle school I walked down the halls hearing curse words openly said by almost every boy, if not girl. For a time I joined in on the cursing, the dirty jokes, and the mama or fat jokes; but there seemed to be something missing, something more to life than this image and life that was offered during my days in public middle school. I began listening; truly trying to learn things from our church youth group, things that had been boring or confusing to me finally seemed to be clicking. In fact, I do not think my sixth grade self would even recognize who I became by seventh grade. I changed my outlook on life and it was because, somewhere in the midst of all the change in myself and circumstances, I clung to God and began, for the first time in my life, a personal relationship with God.

     As I began to grow spiritually for the first time in my life, I began to get involved in church a lot - getting involved in choir, going to almost every event, and teaching some Bible studies in my late seventh/early eighth grade year. Still, the change for my non-church friends was sometimes a bit awkward; asking people to church who I had cursed with or watched bad movies with was never easy. However, it gave me an opportunity to express how Christ was changing me, transforming me, and that I would like them to know Christ as well. I was not always successful at conversion, but I did maintain most friendships making it clear that there were limits to the things I would do. I had boundaries, personal ones I had set for myself, and many my age thought boundaries were lame. So while I maintained those friendships, the ones I developed at church were always deeper and more meaningful for me.

     By high school, I had learned a lot about things like prayer and worship and had read through the whole Bible at least one time, loving the Gospels and letters of Paul but bemoaning the books of Levitical Law, though I knew they had purpose. Between youth ministers, I would pick up the slack and teach the Bible study lessons and be a lead student when it came to things like helping out at camps or vacation Bible school during the summer. About my sophomore year, I also began to learn to play the guitar, and though my older brother was a better guitar player, he eventually left for college, and I began leading both the worship and preaching at Bible studies. When a new youth minister came I would skip the occasional Bible study and leading worship, and then pick it back up when they left. While I had once been a kid who was shy about being up in front of people, I now was being called to lead and be up front. While I am still not always the most comfortable person in front of a large group preaching, I have grown over the years and God has strengthened what I consider my weakness.

     When I went to college I finally surrendered to the ministry. I went before my church to tell them and ask for prayer. During that time, I began to learn things about the Bible that really began to open my eyes for a second time. There was this whole world of biblical interpretation, authorship, dates, and cultural/historical background to the Bible that I found very interesting. It helped to deepen, not only my personal walk with Christ but also my resolve to continue to pursue ministry, specifically youth ministry. While I was in college, I had no car and could not afford car insurance, so I just focused on classes and on-campus ministries. Later, once I got into graduate school and onward, I would find that many were perplexed at my lack of actual ministry experience when I tried to find a job. This always was confusing to me, because I had been doing ministry since eighth grade, just not in any paid positions.

     After graduating from East Texas Baptist University in Marshall, Texas, I moved back to my hometown of Houston. While I tried to get into a Masters of Christian Counseling program at Houston Baptist University, I scored just ten points less on the GRE than required, and because of this fault I was sent to a committee where they denied my acceptance. By this time, it was almost September, too late to go into another program, so I had to look for a job. I became a night stocker for three months. Thankfully during that time, I knew it was going to only be temporary because I had decided to go to seminary.

     In my undergraduate years, I had thought about seminary but it really did not seem needed. It seemed like some place I would be indoctrinated and not be able to think freely and explore both my faith and ministry issues. However, I narrowed my choices to four seminaries and eventually decided to go to Logsdon Seminary in Abilene, Texas (part of Hardin-Simmons University). This choice was rough for me. I knew I would have to take out more student loans, but I also had no paid ministry experience, and little experience doing anything else, so I thought I could educate myself and work on getting my first ministry job in the process.

     As much as all of this seems like educational history, I went through a rough time spiritually when things did not work out at HBU. My first sixth months in graduate school/seminary I questioned my choice to go to graduate school and move to a town that was seven hours from my family. I hurt a lot spiritually and emotionally for about a year until I began to find a solid base of friends and finally found a church. After a few months, I finally found and was accepted as Youth Minister at View Baptist Church, my first ministry position. I was excited and nervous. In my mind I had finally began to obtain the calling I had been working so hard for the past five years of my life.

     While in seminary, I was still interested in biblical interpretation and background; yet I found issues of suffering and women in ministry to be of utmost interest, if not importance. In fact, while in seminary I wrote three papers on women in ministry, ranging from pondering questions about teaching, preaching, to the equality of the sexes at creation, how the redeeming process has affected us since the fall, and finally if in Christ these differences require us to prohibit women from leading based on scripture or if it is mere cultural preference. I also became interested in suffering, one of the classes led by Dr. Stiver was even called Evil and Suffering, in which we discussed thoughts and even read the book Night by Eli Wiesel about his experience as a Jew during World War II.

     Even with all the things I was learning and integrating professionally and spiritually, nothing would prepare me for graduation from seminary in December, 2008. I knew it was coming for months and tried to prepare the best I could having a full course load and three jobs, but it hit me with a spiritual, emotional, and sometime physical fury I had not met before. I graduated with no full-time ministry job lined up and kept my part-time youth ministry job for a while. When I had to quit, it was a difficult decision for me to make. It had been my first official ministry position and I did not know how I was supposed to feel or how it would be for God to tell me to leave. Some of the situation was financial. I simply could not live off what the church was paying me, nor could they really afford to pay me more. Still, I fought spiritually over the issue for months, not wanting it to be about money but about the path God had for me. In August, 2009, after two and a half years of being youth minister I resigned, having no other ministry job lined up but knowing my time there was at an end.

     Since that time I have struggled a lot with God. I went through somewhat of a Dark Night of the Soul (St. John of the Cross) and come out on the other end less depressed yet still somewhat frustrated. Many places ask me first if I am married, engaged, or serious with someone when they interview me for church jobs. In addition, because of the fact that my first ministry job was in a very small church, many churches have seen me unfit for ministry, much to my dismay.

     Still, I believe God has some purpose for all of this, some kind of ministry he wants me to do in the future, though at this time I am a little uncertain. I want to help others, express compassion, yet also be bold about the things that matter in life and faith. I have had many jobs but am still searching, and spiritually I am very much still searching for what God has for me next. Where is the next part of my story going to be? When is the next transition going to be made? I still search for youth ministry jobs, but most of the time they come up dry. Both spiritually and professionally I just want to be useful, to use my gifts and abilities (and degrees) for something more than working odd jobs that leave me unfulfilled.

     I try to be available to teach when an opportunity come up at Sunday school or at a retirement home. I also try to be a person others can talk to and discuss life with at my various jobs. One thing I have learned working jobs with so many different people is that I am not the only one confused and suffering. Many of my friends are in the same spot I am at, and many suffer financially as well. Still, through all the muck I have gone through spiritually and emotionally the last two years, I feel God still has some kind of plan, some kind of opportunity for me next. As with all things, it will only come with much work, prayer, and some manner of time passing.

~ Daniel

Godspell: A Review

 Last night I went to see Abilene High School's production of Godspell:The Musical. What most people probably don't know about me is I have a history with this movie, seeing as my older brother was in another production of it twelve years ago when I was a freshmen in high school. While the one then was a much smaller cast and the singing was more polished, I have to say for the $10, this was overall a much better show.

At first, I thought the larger cast would become a hindrance, because you can only have so many students running around on stage before people start bumping into one another. However, for the dance numbers and dramatic scenes, it actually helped fill out the scenes and invoked a sense of "the crowd" in the times of Jesus' teaching, whether they were excited or began questioning him near the end.

While the singing wasn't as good as my brothers play in 1998, not every cast has a crew full of top choir students (or actors for that matter), which always needs to be acknowledged at any school play/musical. Plus, many of the songs in this musical are quite challenging (Trust me, I have tried to sing along with the CD I own and have trouble making it all the way through one song, whether getting tired and/or the voice range required.) The musical didn't cut any songs; so all the songs combined with the dance numbers, were really enjoyable.

While the songs may have been more professionally polished in the version I saw twelve years ago, it focused more on acting; however, I think the acting in this production far out-did that one, and here is why: I consider the best acting to invoke emotions from its audience; and what I felt in reaction to the stage presence was amazing and quite surprising. During the first half I felt a sense of joy, excitement, and humor; while in the second half I felt the tone switch dramatically and I felt dissonance, negativity, grief, and death. Truly, a great show invokes these emotions from the audience.

Twelve years ago I was just starting out my freshmen year in high school, still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Now, twelve years later I find myself doing that once again after graduating from college & graduate school... and though I have felt confusion, this musical has a way of speaking the gospel in a manner not normally done.

Why? It is because this focus is on the gospel as "story" and the story is fleshed out so well on stage. At times I found myself pondering what it really must have been like for those to follow Jesus, to hear him joking, being funny, being serious, and then being betrayed. How did Jesus feel when people got his teaching? What about when they tried to trap him? Or betray and deny Him?

The great thing about Godspell  is that it teaches the gospel message is always relevant. Culture may change, the medium, and ways we share the gospel may change; but the true message and essence of the gospel story is never-changing and never-ending, having meaning from generation to generation.

“I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire." - John the Baptist, Matthew 3:11

Truly,
"Long Live God..... Long Live God"!

~ Daniel
My Favorite Godspell Song:

All Good Gifts