Faith Beyond Belief

I hope this speaks somehow, perhaps may even encourage those who may be having similar feelings or frustrations. Persevere friend. Trust friend. God is with you and will provide.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
- Psalm 27:14

I have wanted to write this week but have been back and forth again a lot this week. I think a lot of things have made me anxious and stressed out: bill and student loan payments, needing to renew my lease soon, not getting two jobs at Citibank, and not getting as many jobs substitute teaching as I would have liked this week - more half-day then full-day jobs.

I admit, at one point this week I wept before God, asking him why and what He wants from me... I was so distraught I was trying to read my daily devotional book and threw it across the room in anger, frustration, and confusion... and those who know me will understand I rarely get emotional like that and even more rarely am I so filled with emotion that I ever throw anything.

God and I have been having a rocky road the last few months, mostly because I suppose my definition of God providing is differently than how and when God will actually provide. In my heart I feel called to ministry but wonder if that calling is full-time or part-time (bi-vocational). Just because a church does not have a lot of money does that mean they do not need ministers? Does it make my calling less to be in such a church?

I have been struggling spiritually, not in a manner in which I would deny my faith but in a manner that questions my presuppositions about God's provision versus my need. God has always taken care of me, so of course if God has shown himself faithful so far, then I am certain he will show himself faithful into the future. The struggle is how will God provide and when? I am a lot more open to options and possibilities than I was a few months ago, sure maybe I did miss some opportunities but I cannot go back and change, only push forward and change into the future, learning to be more open with God's will for my life and learning to see and respond to open doors when they rise up in my life.

God has provided and will provide. I really am blessed with good friends right now and a place to live, food to eat, and two jobs that are great and provide some income so I am not currently running on absolutely nothing. What bothers me is recognizing that in my life I feel I sometimes have more faith when things are going well then when they are not, that my faith God will provide is based on stability and financial circumstances, not with a stability in spirit and a joy that surpasses my circumstances... that is what I want and desire, faith beyond belief I suppose, to find joy in the midst of trail and tribulations and suffering. Of course, life is the journey getting us there and the path is sometimes easier to follow and work through than other harder times.

But I thank God that on my bad days (like the one below) when I am angry and doubtful he has grace and mercy on me, that he listens and offers his hand in the midst of my "teen" angst moments. Praise God for being good, for being loving, and for saving a wretch like me.

~ Daniel

James 1:27

 
James 1:27
Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

Where have we messed up? Where did we loose our vision and focus? Where did sharing the gospel become inviting people on Easter Sunday, learning extensive pre-programmed outlined evangelism, basically forsaking discipleship and commitment, and allowing the church and love and compassion of Christ to disappear from our pulpits and from our pews?

Where is Christ in us? Dare we call ourselves Christian when we act nothing, if even only in a small manner like Christ? How can we call ourselves Christian when the only times we sacrifice is “giving up” Sunday morning to come to church and Christ remains unlisted on our speed-dial during the rest of the week?

How can we be Christians when we spend so many hours texting, talking to our friends, and wasting out time online or watching TV and no time with the one who we claim to have a personal relationship with, the person who saved us and slayed the Kingdom of Death and Destruction with the Light and Glory of the Kingdom of God?

When did faith become about us and our desires and less about Christ and God. Why do we complain about worship style when many of us do not know how to worship? Why do we complain about confusion when we seem to no longer feel the need to kneel, fall down on our face, and pray before God, to raise our voice in laughter or let our tears of sorrow or joy fall from our faces?

We have lost something. I have lost something.
We have the programs but have lost our heart.
We have the teachings but lack their integration in our life.
We have the knowledge but lack the zeal.
We have the lost but cannot figure out how to communicate with them.
We have opportunities but are too busy to notice them when they arrive.

I want something more but am unsure of what
I want to be on fire but lack the spark somehow
I want to be growing and not settle for apathy and complacency
I want to become more and also become less
I want to find strength in my weakness
I want to find unsurpassed joy in my Savior
I want to yell the name of Christ “Jesus”
I want to savor the complexity of my Savior
And Savor my ignorance in the face of His infinite-eternal mystery

I want to be Christian
I want to pursue
I want Christ

~ Daniel
http://james127.com/images/james127.jpg

Extended Thought:
Matthew 25:31-46 - Sheep and Goats
Matthew 5:14-16 - Light Your World

Challenged

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. - James 1:2-7

Sometimes it is almost ironic when I am teaching a lesson to my youth, something I do all the time; however, sometimes the lesson has a way of slapping me in my face, of making me come face to face with my own faith in a new and unique way. This happened this week when we started going through the book of James in Sunday School. As I was starting the lesson I got to verse two and knew God was about to humble me once again.

Sure the last few months have been tough on me, mostly emotionally and somewhat spiritually. It is always difficult to go through transitions and worry about money, worried if God will provide and be faithful like I believe but the experience, going through such trials, is always very difficult. I have tried to express this difficulty to others, even my parents, but I think only people who are single have a good grasp on what it feels like to go through such things by themselves and be challenged to trust God in all things.

Still, I find it difficult and so against the norm to find joy in my misery, not only that but also to ask God for things in prayer and fully believe He will provide it or provide something better. I guess life has made me pessimistic and so sometimes I find myself doubting God while believing at the same time. I feel like the guy speaking to Jesus who says "I believe, help me in my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). On one hand I am confident God will provide and on the other hand I have some dark place that wonders if it will all come tumbling down only getting worse in the coming months and years. See, I told you - pessimistic... and believe me I do not like that side of myself but it is there nonetheless.

Somehow I pray God will help me through this, give me strength and a clear vision for what I should do and where I should go; that I would follow Him and he would give me confidence where I doubt and strength where I may only see weakness in myself. Sometimes it does help me to think of the things I do have and the few good friends who have been next to me and held me up in prayer... but for some reason I find myself going back and forth a lot in my mind between feeling this joy that things will be good, if not better… and these other thoughts that seem to be there as well so full of despair and doubt.

Truly to find joy in our hardship is a difficult task; however, if we believe God is with us and we have hope in Christ - then I suppose we will believe that somehow God is with us in our sorrows, shares in our suffering, and will provide for his children somehow in someway...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:25-34

In Christ,
~ Daniel

And just because it is funny and slightly relevant...

Depths of Me

Where to start. Where to even begin. Those friends who have been around me know I have been going though a lot, even if I do not speak about it that often. Being around people helps me a lot and so I have been thriving on social contact lately. For those who have spent time with me, even if we do not open up into deep philosophical or emotional conversations, I appreciate the time we have had together. Friendship in whatever capacity has always been special and important to me and I do not call people friends easily; especially good, great, or best friends. Most people live on the fringes, on the outside of our life. Only a few know us and few will ever know us deeply.

In the beginning of my job searching I was getting really down for a while. I was having trouble eating, sleeping, and napping... and those who know me well know how much I appreciate a good afternoon nap. I struggled for about a week or two with feeling completely worthless, completely useless, and was questioning God so much, so unsure if I made the right choice by staying here. As the weeks have passed, as I have opened the scriptures and made it through Proverbs this last month God has began to comfort me. I still have some moments of worry and confusion, usually in the night before I lay my head down or early in the morning when I wake up to another day of what has become a vague existence the last few months.

If my blogs have not shown it, I have been having some very deep thoughts about my life, about who I am, and about what it means to serve God... and what it means to sacrifice. I have had to open myself to the possibility that God may move me, may make me uncomfortable. God has NOT done this YET but I have had to realize that I must open myself to the possibility, to whatever God has next for me in my own growth as a person, a Christian, and as a minister. Basically, God has had to break me and has to some degree, though to say he has completely broken me would be in error, because we are always working on letting something go and opening ourselves up to other things.

I have been reading this great book called "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys". It is such a great book and I was so happy to finally start reading again. When I get down I find myself not reading, not playing guitar, not listening to music - I loose part of myself, part of my passion. It is nice to be coming back to that. The book has spoken so much to me, not just about boys and the later problems men have but also opened up for me some of the things from my own past, from my boyhood and even things today that I hide because sometimes I close myself off to things to try to protect myself.

 I do have or build walls to hide aspects of me because I feel inferior or am fearful of rejection.
I think a lot of people fear rejection, fear not measuring up, not being good enough, and having others say such things to you or about you, in font of your face or behind your back. The ironic thing is even if we have faced rejection, what really has control over us is the fear itself, it is what we have in our own mind, in our inner thoughts, the thoughts that we usually do not share with others... and if we do sometimes it is to a very limited degree. We do not want to admit that we hear ourselves or hear the darkness or perhaps even Satan at times telling us: You are Inferior. You are not successful. You do not and will NEVER measure up. No one wants to be with you. You are alone. You will be alone. You find yourself in darkness and cannot find a way out. The lies compound, they build on top of one another. The lies bury us, they have us bound, they have us chained, and they have us burdened with this guilt and rejection, which may have never actually happened or may be very much exaggerated.

Just like Spider-Man struggled in the Bell Tower to rip of the Alien Symbiote, called Venom, so must we rip of these parts of our self that are not self-edifying, that are not encouraging, that only drag us down. But we do not have to do this alone. We are not alone. We are not left in the darkness. Christ Jesus is there with us, giving us strength and giving us perspective. The Holy Spirit has granted us power and helps us in moments of crisis if we will just lay ourselves before God, if we will just fall before God, cry out our eyes, open our hearts, and choose to give our life to him; the life we really already gave but continually decide to hold things back. These parts of us we tend to hold on to, the ones that we hide in the depths, in the secret areas, those closed rooms of our minds we try to keep locked away from others. We must open our self up to God; open our self up to friends and possibilities. We must not keep ourselves locked away or chained down, defeated, but arise above the ashes out of our gloom and our terrible thoughts. The Love of Christ compels you, it compels me. We must unite with and encourage our brothers and sisters, have fellowship with one another, and pray for one another, whether generally or specifically.

The Love of Christ Compels You
The Power of Christ will give you Strength
The Joy of Christ will give you Perspective
The Hope of Christ will give you Perseverance

The Cloud of Witnesses,
Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ
Keep you always in their hearts and in their prayers.
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What do you find in the depths?
What do you hide?

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lgph0144+iceberg-hidden-depths-poster.jpg