Where to start. Where to even begin. Those friends who have been around me know I have been going though a lot, even if I do not speak about it that often. Being around people helps me a lot and so I have been thriving on social contact lately. For those who have spent time with me, even if we do not open up into deep philosophical or emotional conversations, I appreciate the time we have had together. Friendship in whatever capacity has always been special and important to me and I do not call people friends easily; especially good, great, or best friends. Most people live on the fringes, on the outside of our life. Only a few know us and few will ever know us deeply.
In the beginning of my job searching I was getting really down for a while. I was having trouble eating, sleeping, and napping... and those who know me well know how much I appreciate a good afternoon nap. I struggled for about a week or two with feeling completely worthless, completely useless, and was questioning God so much, so unsure if I made the right choice by staying here. As the weeks have passed, as I have opened the scriptures and made it through Proverbs this last month God has began to comfort me. I still have some moments of worry and confusion, usually in the night before I lay my head down or early in the morning when I wake up to another day of what has become a vague existence the last few months.
If my blogs have not shown it, I have been having some very deep thoughts about my life, about who I am, and about what it means to serve God... and what it means to sacrifice. I have had to open myself to the possibility that God may move me, may make me uncomfortable. God has NOT done this YET but I have had to realize that I must open myself to the possibility, to whatever God has next for me in my own growth as a person, a Christian, and as a minister. Basically, God has had to break me and has to some degree, though to say he has completely broken me would be in error, because we are always working on letting something go and opening ourselves up to other things.
I have been reading this great book called "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys". It is such a great book and I was so happy to finally start reading again. When I get down I find myself not reading, not playing guitar, not listening to music - I loose part of myself, part of my passion. It is nice to be coming back to that. The book has spoken so much to me, not just about boys and the later problems men have but also opened up for me some of the things from my own past, from my boyhood and even things today that I hide because sometimes I close myself off to things to try to protect myself.
I do have or build walls to hide aspects of me because I feel inferior or am fearful of rejection.
I think a lot of people fear rejection, fear not measuring up, not being good enough, and having others say such things to you or about you, in font of your face or behind your back. The ironic thing is even if we have faced rejection, what really has control over us is the fear itself, it is what we have in our own mind, in our inner thoughts, the thoughts that we usually do not share with others... and if we do sometimes it is to a very limited degree. We do not want to admit that we hear ourselves or hear the darkness or perhaps even Satan at times telling us: You are Inferior. You are not successful. You do not and will NEVER measure up. No one wants to be with you. You are alone. You will be alone. You find yourself in darkness and cannot find a way out. The lies compound, they build on top of one another. The lies bury us, they have us bound, they have us chained, and they have us burdened with this guilt and rejection, which may have never actually happened or may be very much exaggerated.
Just like Spider-Man struggled in the Bell Tower to rip of the Alien Symbiote, called Venom, so must we rip of these parts of our self that are not self-edifying, that are not encouraging, that only drag us down. But we do not have to do this alone. We are not alone. We are not left in the darkness. Christ Jesus is there with us, giving us strength and giving us perspective. The Holy Spirit has granted us power and helps us in moments of crisis if we will just lay ourselves before God, if we will just fall before God, cry out our eyes, open our hearts, and choose to give our life to him; the life we really already gave but continually decide to hold things back. These parts of us we tend to hold on to, the ones that we hide in the depths, in the secret areas, those closed rooms of our minds we try to keep locked away from others. We must open our self up to God; open our self up to friends and possibilities. We must not keep ourselves locked away or chained down, defeated, but arise above the ashes out of our gloom and our terrible thoughts. The Love of Christ compels you, it compels me. We must unite with and encourage our brothers and sisters, have fellowship with one another, and pray for one another, whether generally or specifically.
The Love of Christ Compels You
The Power of Christ will give you Strength
The Joy of Christ will give you Perspective
The Hope of Christ will give you Perseverance
The Cloud of Witnesses,
Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ
Keep you always in their hearts and in their prayers.
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What do you find in the depths?
What do you hide?
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lgph0144+iceberg-hidden-depths-poster.jpg
