Since my undergrad I have heard of the book and notion "Dark Night of the Soul" written by St. John of the Cross, which I read and finished this week. I believe at some points we all experience some kind of depression, maybe spiritual depression where for a while we cannot seem to find God. In this time we feel disconnected but then God shows up again quickly and we are glad to know and feel his presence once again. In the Dark Night; however, this time of distance and almost a spiritual banishment from God is a much longer period of time.
“It plunges him into darkness and causes him affliction, distress, as does the sun to the eye of the weak; it enkindles him with passionate yet afflictive love, until he be spiritualized and refined by this same fire of love; and it purifies him until he can receive with sweetness the union of this infusion…” – pg. 147
Personally, I feel as if about the last two years have been a Dark Night to me, mostly because I am very confused by so many things in my life right now and God doesn’t seem to be giving me any clarity. I feel like I do not get anything out of the spiritual disciplines like I did before. I read books but their pondering and answers feel hallow or misplaced. I pray but feel as if there is no response, as if God has left the other end and I am sometimes merely speaking to myself. I feel I have been devoted and spent seven years in higher education and deserve something better than working a minimum wage job and merely surviving. I have tried to stay pure and find myself alone and many times doubtful I will find a girlfriend, if ever marry.
I sometime despise myself for even thinking I deserve a better job, a better life, a wife and kids someday because it fosters the notion that our devotion to God is based off of what we can get and not based on who God is, giving him glory and remaining in the hope Christ gives us for a good future. But should the good future always be after death? I don’t have to be rich but do I have to be poor, or barely getting by all the time.
“For this night is gradually drawing the spirit away from its ordinary and common experience of things and bringing it nearer the Divine sense, which is a stranger and alien to all human ways.” – pg. 131
I know this time will help me in the future; it really humbles an already humble person in my mind to go through such a time. The Dark Night; however, is supposedly given to those who are faithful, a time in which they are purged or purified before God. During this time they reassess their priorities, fixing the way they perceive their faith and also purifying them from whatever questionable and habitual sins they still have roaming around in their life and in the recesses of their mind.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:1-2I feel like David crying out to God saying "How Long, Oh Lord?"... I feel like Abraham being taken from the land where I grew up. I feel like David trying to maintain purity and hoping I don’t fall in a world that spews lust, sex, and pornography at me instead of the godly love found in purity. I feel like Moses saying I cannot speak and like Jeremiah questioning my age and experience. I feel like Adam blaming Eve for my problem because I can’t seem to get over the wounds inflicted on me emotionally from past relationships. I feel like Solomon asking for wisdom except I seem to have no where to use this wisdom besides with friends, who seem few, many times also too busy, everyone is busy... busy… busy, trying to survive and keep up. Everyone is tired, people are underpaid, and the world begins to seem like a dim dark place. This is the Night and those who go through it are frazzled, scared, nervous, doubtful, and perplexed. However, they are not suicidal, nor do they think this darkness will last forever. They know, I know this time will end... that perseverance and trust is key, for if I told others to have faith and trust God in trials and suffering and then did not myself, wouldn’t I just be another hypocrite?
So I still open up the word, though sometimes it is difficult. I find inspiration, sometimes just enough to move forward and other times enough to ease my mind and grant me peace for short time. I go to church and worship God because he is God and is worthy despite nothing in my life really advancing. I listen to sermons about God's will, though I currently only have a foggy vision with no clear direction or purpose. I pray because I love my God and know he hears me even if I cannot hear Him. I try to pray for others because it makes me feel connected to the greater body and helps me know God is working in the life’s of others and even though I cannot feel it, he is currently also working in me. I try to make new friends, but sometimes do not know whether our friendship is reciprocal or the other just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I try to push back the arrows from Satan regarding rejection and the notion that I am not good enough in regards to both ministry and dating, by trying to have an open mind to what ministry is and to invest in friendships. I sometimes wonder if I am playing it safe or am I really pushing myself. I try to rid myself of those habitual sins also, wondering if I am trying hard enough or does God’s grace and love understand this struggle I have between my spirit and flesh.
“But having very little satisfaction with themselves; they consider all others as far better, and usually have a holy envy of them, and an eagerness to serve God as they do…. Wherefore, holding themselves as of little worth, they are anxious that others too should thus hold them, and should despise and depreciate that which they do. And further, if men should praise and esteem them, they can in no wise believe what they say; it seems to them strange that anyone should say these good things of them.” – pg. 42-43
“They are too much embarrassed to confess their sins nakedly, lest their confessors should think less of them, so they palliate them and make them appear less evil, and thus it is to excuse themselves rather than to accuse themselves that they go to confession." – pg. 41
“If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.” – 1st John 1:6-10
“And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.” – Romans 13:11-12St. John of the Cross ends his book with a few sections regarding the happiness that comes after this Dark Night. His words bring joy to my heart during this troubled time, they give me hope and help me persevere thinking of the day I will come out of this darkness that seems to be clouding my life. I also hear the encouragement from friends but appreciate and value time spent over words given, I appreciate stories of hope and joy regarding God working in others rather than a quickly quoted scripture that’s supposed to magically make it all ok. And beyond all of this I still and will always love God and his son Jesus because he first loved me, he gave his life, and nothing could ever stop me from pursuing my call, from desiring to express that love in and through my life. My situation may be dark but I know the light of Christ has and will always pierce the dark corners of our souls and his glory will be shown in each of us if we are willing go be broken, be willing to follow, be willing to obey whatever the cost.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” – 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18
“There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.” – Revelation 22:5~ Daniel
Related Website:
http://www.hissheep.org/deliverance/the_dark_night_of_the_soul.html
