No Reservations

I was thinking earlier today about friendships and how many times it seems like it takes so much work, sometimes to go almost nowhere at all. Along with trying to sort through everyone’s schedules to find some time to connect one might wonder if all of this work seems kinda in vain. Sometimes I wonder if the people on the other side are toying with me, playing some sort of game. That does seem rather cruel and probably not even likely but still slithers in there as a doubt that rises up every now and then. Maybe they are going through their list of other friends, ones they would rather hang out with before they contact me because everyone else is busy. Then the darkest thought, the one that we bury really deep-down is the thought that all the juggling is a mirage, that the truth is that they are either too busy or not that interested in hanging out with us.

I think the reason I hide from this last one is because it means we are being rejected, sure sometimes personalities don’t work but I don’t think most people give others enough tries or enough time to truly see what is under the cover of the book (or hood for those car enthusiast out there). Sometimes people judge others based on the trailer when the movie is so much better and longer. Sure it takes longer to get to the good parts and the sad parts seem long, but the story has depth and age and is real because it is not something summed up in a snap of your fingers, real life is hard and sometimes dirty and the best we can do is to put in the work and hope maybe, just maybe we will find long-lasting and genuine friends, friendships not based on distance or even a lot of commonalities but based on the fact that we know one another and have some sort of history with one another - ones that last a long time instead of just dying after one fight, one awkward moment, or distance when one moves.

The thing for me is I am inclined to be more introverted than extroverted, so for me to reach out takes a lot of work and after so many times if I feel I am getting the run-around I will just stop, it becomes too much work emotionally for me to try to carry the friendship on my back, to always be the one to initiate conversations or get-togethers.. I feel if the person really cared they would put some effort in the friendship pot as well... I think reciprocal friendships are the best. You know, the kind where if a friend is busy they tell you we will meet up next week or they call you to see what’s up... the kind of friends who will drop things and try to have time with you, even if it is only for a little while at least, because a little is better than nothing at all. I tire of the friends who are only friends on their own terms: when they want to hang out, when they are bored, when they have nothing better to do, and randomly contact you out of the blue and start up like old friends again. I am still nice and cordial but there is almost a fakeness to those friends, maybe something deeper below the surface that you cant see, maybe something they haven’t dealt with themselves.

All of this got me thinking about my relationship with Christ and how he is always there for me when I need him... and how often I am not there for Him. People think devoted Christians (or ministers and priests) always have quiet times reading the bible and praying but this is not always true. I find in my life I go through flows of being constantly in-tune with God and in his word and praying and then other times where that part of my life for some reason goes completely silent, it becomes empty, and I am reminded of a friend I have been forgetting.

God is always there for us, as if he has a table set every time at every moment and is waiting for us to come to Him, to come before the feet of the Creator of the world. Like a Father he just wants to know what is going on in our lives and like a friend he wants us to know he will always be there for us. The problem is we are always calling God (or texting Him) again and saying, “I have other things to do, I am busy, I will get back to you once I finish a paper, once I study for a test, when I am not so tired, when I am not hanging out with other people, when I am done with his show or movie or concert or dinner.” We have tons of excuses, the same ones we give and get from others all the time; the ones that frustrate us the most… only we set these before God. Can you imagine the look on his face as he reads the message? How should he respond: Should he text you that it is “ok”, “hopefully we can get together soon then”, or maybe silence is better... maybe just his action of daily availability should be enough to show us how much He cares - and how very little we seem to care.

Remember this, never forget this - with God you need No Reservations. You do not have to ask Him if He is available, there is no need to worry about rejection, for God is always there waiting.. and waiting.. waiting for us to finally come to Him, to finally change our life and habits, to rid self of these sinful and evil things and sit with him a while and feel the peace that comes with being in the light of his glory and grace, to be reminded in that time of his Son who died for our sins, and help us put life in the right perspective once again.

~ Daniel

MORE: Table for two story and study
http://nashpublications.com/biblestudies/QuietTime.pdf

Pic:
http://www.stephenbergstrom.com/images/Table-for-Two-detail.jpg

Open Wounds

Open Wounds: About Forgiveness and Healing

Tonight at Bible Study we watched a Video by Nooma called Luggage... In this video Rob Bell speaks about Forgiveness, about the baggage we all carry, that it is not just us but everyone who carries such baggage. Those who have betrayed us, deviled us, abused us, neglected us, made fun of us, rejected us, and taken evil out on us. However, just as others have this capacity for such negative and hateful reactions towards us, we also have the ability to react in similar manners, by advocating and becoming bitter, feeling malice, slandering, and taking out revenge on others, wishing them some sort of harm or punishment. In the end, we truly have forgiven someone when we wish them well and leave it behind.

The problem is... it is so much easier said then done. In my life my open wounds I deal with is rejection. I always feel like I am not good enough at whatever I am doing, some ingrained illogical look at myself, not merely based on my physical self image, but just because I feel somehow I am not good enough on the inside, so even if someone could see past my outside appearance what they would see would be unpleasurable. Now, logically and spiritually I know this is not true, but Satan and flesh have a way around our logic and around our hope in Christ, they creep through the crevices of our lives, they live between the cracks of doubt and those dark areas where we lack in self, those areas where we are weak, where we feel abandoned, where we feel left behind as everyone else seems to be moving forward.

It comes with time, it comes with work, and it comes with patience; however, not just in relationships and friendships but in jobs/ministry it feels like I get rejected a lot, like I don’t project the right image. Everyone says you should change yourself if you don’t fit in the slot you are looking for, but then you find yourself stuck in a place you should have never been because you projected a false image of yourself... I suppose I just wish I could feel at ease and at peace for being myself, be accepted for who I am inside and out. And I know Christ loves me but the world brings out the negative and decreases the positive in life.

The hardest thing to accept is what to do with this open wound I feel about rejection. I keep hearing, just let it go - you will find your niche, it is only a matter of time. I hear God telling me to trust him and in time things will heal. It never seems to come soon enough for me somehow… If I keep scratching this wound, if I keep going back to the past, I will never be healed, I will never be truly able to find peace or even see its opportunity if I am so blinded by this fear, this rejection, this open wound.

May God grant us healing,
May he help us close those wounds,
The ones that hurt us,
The ones that seem to define us,
May he help us heal and move forward,
May we wish others well
May we become reconciled to others,
And to Our Self.

Christ make me whole,
Christ make me like YOU,
Help me to forgive the unforgivable,
Even if that person is myself…

What is your Wound?

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.cramersportsmed.com/SidebarFileServlet?id=106

Forgetting

Have you ever found yourself forgotten by a friend? Have you ever found yourself forgetting a friend? It sometimes happens slowly, other times very quickly, that person who was your friend becomes too busy, perhaps it is work or other friends, maybe they have a wife or kids; whatever the reason, you find that in some way you feel as if you have been forgotten, denied. In some manner, it is as if you have been ripped from that person, so that the connection you once possessed is now severed and can only be mended if the friendship becomes reciprocal again. However, until that time though there is an emptiness that fills your life, it can no longer be what it once was, for even if the friendship is later rekindled, there is now a disconnect, a distortion between the two of you.

What if Jonathan had forgotten about David? What if Boaz had forgotten about Ruth? What if Moses had forgotten Israel and not pleaded with God? What if God had forgotten about his people after the exile and never brought about Jesus and the New Covenant?

I was thinking this morning about people saying the greatest sin is pride, I have believed it for a long time... but I have begun to wonder if forgetfulness and its cousin “Apathy” may not be worse. If one is prideful then they have an arrogance about them, they are fighting against or for something; however, if one is apathetic about their friendship, if one forgets about their loved ones, isn’t that more horrendous than pride. I wonder if in our faith it is far worse to be apathetic and forget God than it is to be prideful…

Are there friendships you have forgotten? Are there relationships in which you yourself have been forgotten? Have you forgotten God, somehow left your Christian walk or your search for truth? Have you become apathetic because you were hurt, because there was suffering? Have you forgotten God because sin seemed easy and more desirable, leaving you wondering now where God is? Are you feeling alone in this world, forgotten by all your friends? If you have, know that God knows your pain; millions and billions forget God every day, every second.... God reached out his hand through creation and later through Christ Jesus, yet still with all his attempts at friendship with us, those attempts at a personal relationship are turned down and rejected constantly.

The greatest sin is forgetfulness, it is what apathy is made of and perhaps why scripture tells us to renew our minds (Romans 12:1-2)... but I also think it is maybe the definition of hell everyone is looking for... see for those who choose to forget God with their lives, who rebel against God and everything he represents, in the end it is God who forgets them, whether it be by them being consumed in the river of fire and judgment or if it is by simply taking his breathe/spirit of life outside of that person and than that breath evaporating into the oceans and sky’s of eternity. But the truth is that God does not want to be forgotten, neither does he want to forget his creation.



Have you ever taken the Lords Supper (MK 14:12-26; MT 28:17-30)? If you have then maybe you have seen or heard these words: Remember Me. Maybe those words are truer than we think to faith and our lives, maybe we should hear them more often and remember them....

"When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God." After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, "Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes." And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." - Luke 22:14-19

Who have you forgotten?


~ Daniel

Pic:
http://qmf.org.au/files/images/Remember%20Me_Media.jpg

Dreams and Fears

I have been thinking about dreams and fears a lot lately and about my devotion to Christ. I think that next Sunday when I preach filling in for a friend I am going to preach on fear, something related to Moses and some others we see in scripture. No one was without fear, from Moses to David, Elijah running to the cave, Jeremiah wrestling with his calling, and Jesus in the garden pleading with God to take the cup from him if there was any other possible way.

I have fear, I will admit it... I know a lot of people do not; they feel it better to hide fear from others and even from themselves. Sometimes I am fearful of things like driving and driving through the rain.... but other times I am afraid of so much more. Sometimes I am afraid that I have spent all this time educating myself for a full-time ministry position, following God, and now in the time when things should happen nothing is.. and my fear is that nothing will ever come of it, that I will never find a ministry job, that somehow I am missing something or others will never see the spark of God in me, the one that I know is there but need a chance to show, need a chance to cultivate and mold and express to others.

I have another fear... It is being up in the front, though not nearly as bad as it use to be it is still there, only by the times I have pushed myself forward (with some help from others and strength from God) have I found it easier as my life as progressed. Of course, I have also learned that I am much more nervous before being up front than when I am actually up front, kinda like getting a shot at the doctors office... sometimes the waiting is so very unnerving and difficult, perhaps that is why I find this period in my life quite unnerving. Trying to trust God and wait when the signs seem to show otherwise is difficult. But my fear is that I give up on my calling because it makes me uncomfortable, because it takes risks, because I may not seem the minister-type to some. I have friends who have given up their callings (ministry or otherwise), I know who they are and it saddens me to see them settle for something less when God called them to something greater. Some would say they found a more practical route, more financially feasible, got married or had kids.... to me these are excuses in life that hinder us from following God, from becoming fulfilled.

My fear is that I will never get up and preach like I dream about, preaching sermons that bring light into peoples life. Some that bring them kneeling with utter conviction and others that will infuse believers with joy in the love and compassion from their God, and that that love might be shared with others as the community bond tightens and the Kingdom of God grows like a mustard seed. I fear I will become lazy and doubtful and leave these dreams, these visions behind and trade them for something plain, something normal, settle for a mediocre faith, one that is based on my level of ease and not based on struggling to risk, struggling to let God use me in ways I cannot even imagine.

Another underlying fear is that I will be single, that I will never be married. As much as single guys normally are not supposed to want such things, I actually do... and I have this fear that it will never happen either because it is not God's will for my life or because I have become so pessimistic about relationships now that I will never try for more than friendship, nor would anyone ever see me as more... that I would remain stuck between the family I grew up with and the family I will never have.

Fears, yes I have fears but mixed in with these fears are my dreams, did you sense them in those paragraphs I just wrote, strewn without and within, between the lines and intermixed with my fears... yes, they are intertwined and if I never meet my fears, if I never trust God in those times and in those things, then I will never truly be able to even try grasping at such dreams.

My dreams are to have a wife and a family one day, but also to be a Christian who truly expresses Christ with both my words and my deeds; spoken, written, and acted-out in and through my life. That I will find a ministry job that will use all my gifts and that God will give me the boldness to speak those words, the ones that sit between his word and spirit and my mouth, the ones that stay hidden, the ones that lay waiting... waiting for what sometimes I am not sure...

So my dear fellow readers,
I now ask you the questions...

What are you fears?
What are you dreams?
Have you given up? Are you struggling?
How do your fears and dreams mix and fight against one another?

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://imgarchive.info/200904/47279.jpg

Friends, Hugs, and Goodbyes

I don’t now why I feel compelled to write this, especially at 5:30 in the morning. Maybe it is because I get up so early for one of my jobs; maybe it is because other times you just feel compelled to write sometimes. Anyways, yesterday night I had dinner with some good friends, one of whom is leaving and it made me think about friendships, hugs, and goodbyes - so I felt like writing and making that my title, so here we go...

I ate with some friends last night at a place in town called Dos Amigos. The place was pretty good, though to me sometimes Mexican restaurants always seem the same pretty much. Sure the salsa, chips, and atmosphere might be a little different but it always feels like they are all the same. Well, we went out to eat to kinda hang out and say goodbye to a good friend who is leaving town. Later when this friend was dropping me and another friend off we both hugged goodbye.

This got me thinking... sure my friend will visit but things wont be the same, because friendships never really are once you leave... and you are ever-so lucky if a friendship survives after someone moves away. Sure we have all our different technologies - our Facebook, our texting (for some), and our cell phones; however, it is never the same as being with someone in-person, as a group or individually.

Sometimes it is little times like hugging a friend to say goodbye that remind me of all the other times I have had to say goodbye to others and how much I always miss those friendships, each of those people were unique to me. I mean, I had other guy friends as a child and remember them but when those friends moved off I just kinda felt bad but didn’t think about it all that much (maybe cause I am a guy or something). However, since college I hate saying goodbye, and its not like I get all emotional and start crying, not that there would be anything wrong with that (insert reference of Seinfeld, lol) - its just not really my style I suppose... but inside it always hurts to say goodbye and think of all the good times you had with those friends and how you will miss not being able to see them as much.

This also reminds me of my good guy friends from home: Jacob and Thomas, whom I still chat with on Facebook and on my cell from time to time, yet dearly miss that connection we all had as brothers in Christ and as best friends for a time. It makes me miss my best friends from college Grant, Willie, then Jonathon, Fili and Mark… Though I am very thankful for God blessing me with my very close friendship currently with Nathan and also with his wife Meredith (who are awesome people by the way).

I don’t know, sometimes being single and being in your mid-twenties makes me wish we didn’t have to leave friends, that God would somehow keep us together with our friends; but it seems most of the time we move again and must leave them behind, only left with the memories and occasional meetings once distance is put into the friend equation.

I wish I could live in a house with all my close friends, so that there wouldn’t be so much silence all the time, so many empty sounds. I miss hearing the laughter of other people in my house, of family... and I even think hearing the arguing is worth having that laughter in your life, worth having that close sense of connection. I miss that... and for those who have moved away from home, friends are the nearest and closest thing we have to family.

It might sound odd... but many people think of Heaven as a place of eternal joy, of no pain and suffering... but I also like to think of it as a place where friends don’t have to say goodbye, where distance is no longer a matter between friends, and where hugs are never connected with the down-feeling of saying goodbye but instead are only connected with see-ya-laters.

So this is my blog, these are my thoughts... maybe a little all random, maybe they make complete sense. Maybe these are encouraging or discouraging... I am not really sure myself; however, if there is one thing I have learned it is never to take your friends, to take that friendship for granted and to take hold of such a thing, to hold on to such people while you can before distance is added and time may soon leave them as a mere memory of the distant past.

~ Daniel

A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.- William Arthur Ward

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.- Jim Morrison

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

Pic:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_3j6hW6C4dPGV_MGyT1PouoMGnqdONSL_Gm1EZosa8Py9ruGwuhKPjQTZZ2w21mgc7yAgp3JiC1TnD6MlUNwsGLI5ZHhwKrIudhXP0SjTBTQsU7qhFDwx_gC4h2T62Jy4uqPTHXcAJLmC/s400/farm+hugs.jpg

What Dreams May Come

I just woke up from another dream, another dream almost so bad it felt like a nightmare for some strange reason. I woke up with feelings of anxiety and my heart was pumping. I don’t know how to interpret dreams really... Are they a mix of my feelings? Are they random? Are they visions from God? Whatever it is, when I am in times of confusion and trouble, in times of transition and searching, my dreams seem to increase, and usually increase with and add to my anxiety as well.

I long to have pleasant dreams again, which I haven’t had a lot of since this past January. My soul has been on edge and with me leaving my church, it has become worse... Maybe it is anxiety over finding another church, over finding another ministry position, maybe me questioning if youth ministry fits me. I don’t tell people this but sometimes I have visions, day dreams about preaching Gods word... but not what is normally heard, at least in an acceptable Caucasian southern Baptist church. No, I have dreams of preaching like the prophets of the Old Testament like Ezekiel, Jeremiah, or Elijah. For some reason I think the church needs preaching but not from those who are fearful but those who seem to hold no fear, which is funny to hear from me, a guy who still has trouble getting up front in front of people (though not nearly as bad as it use to be by any means).

I see our churches declining and I wonder where the power of God is at in all of this. People say it is part of America’s moral decline and in other countries the gospel is exploding. In most of those countries the message is simply the gospel, the good news of Jesus but here in America we already know the good news or people think they do at least. What people need is to be awakened from their spiritual sleep; they need to see the gospel and church as relevant. And I think a lot of what the prophets said in the Old Testament is very pertinent to our present condition in our country and in our churches.

Who will help the poor? The government has Medicare and Food Stamps and Unemployment, but what is the church really doing about it? Should we have universal healthcare? How is the church helping those who cannot afford healthcare? (I am among them) Do we offer to help those in need freely or do we coerce them by our helping hands to hear the gospel message. I have heard stories where help was only offered if those in need attended some bible study, church service, seminar, or revival meeting. Is this the heart of the gospel? Do you think Jesus would hold carrots in front of a hungry person but tell them they could not eat unless they listened to his message? I don’t see Jesus using that kind of manipulation, maybe sometimes we depend more on a person hearing a sermon than on the Holy Spirit speaking after a kind act, leaving the person wondering why love would be shown freely, with no strings attached.

What dreams may come... for me in my jobs and ministry, for me in relationships which often confuse me, and for the future of the church in America and among all Christians, my brothers and sisters in the faith. In all things may we continue to seek and trust God.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://harvestfellowship.net/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/j0433074.143171504_std.jpg

New Steps and Trusting God Once Again

I am writing this, something I have wanted to write for a while, something that has been brewing in my heart and in my mind, filling me once again with questions and confusion. I will likely post this tomorrow but tonight(Aug. 2nd) I give my resignation to the church (My last will be Aug. 18th, 2009), to my first church, which comes as a bitter-sweet thing. I always decided I was going to leave when I really felt God calling me to leave the church, either because I just felt called to leave or because I felt called to another church. Well, I have been seeking God, seeking other possibilities of churches, mostly wanting to know where God wants me, in what direction he wants me to go (leave or stay).

I have interviewed with a couple of churches, some of you know this and I appreciate your prayers (and continuing prayers in all of this). But somewhere about a month ago I began to feel it was time to leave, to leave this first ministry position and prepare for the next one. So, even though I have had some interviews and no other jobs are lined up, I just feel it is time to move on, maybe to another youth group, maybe to another ministry besides youth. Really I just want to be open to God.

Also, the last few months my passion has been lagging, my spirit has felt burnt-out and heavy. I haven’t been coming to God like I need to and so I will also use this time to come before God, to work on me, my personal relationship with Him. I have been thinking of a few ways to do this, but I need to be refreshed, I need to call out to God, cry out to God, and be in a place to be able to hear his voice and be ready for whatever is next. I am also considering holding off any more interviews for about a month after my last day at VBC, I just feel I need some time, some peace, and some room to think and pray.

I often wonder what God has next for me, for it seems my plans always flop and so I need to be open to everything and that scares me, scares me because I know it means putting myself out there, being uncomfortable once again, it means trusting God as I sort through the fog and clasp my hand around the hand of my Father, of my God, hear his voice and follow once again into that unknown.

To those of my church who read this I loved you all.. and leaving feels like leaving a family, a family I have known for 2.5 years and have grown to love, have been use to seeing, and now I must leave, must go and follow because that is what we are supposed to do, not just as ministers but as Christians, go and follow when we hear God call, when we feel the Holy Spirit speaking to us in our lives.

May God bless us as we follow, may we trust as we go, may we find peace in knowing we are obeying in the midst of fear and our confusion about life and what will come next.

Your Brother in Christ,
~ Daniel

The Next Step

Something is happening to me, something that is coming, coming a little bit at a time. It happens when I wake up for work and begin that morning drive, it happens when I get home and check my mail, when I pay my bills, when I hang out with friends, and when I think and pray to God about my future. It is something that seems so subtle, but there is satisfaction there, in doing something, in having some purpose, some meaning, and in knowing that whatever God has for me will come in its time, that he is still preparing me, always preparing me for the next step, my next step, my next leap of faith. Sometimes I am challenged by his word, other time by seeing others actions, and other times by conversations with good friends, friends who know me, who see me in a way that others do not see me - they do not see me as just a minister, as just a worker, as just a son or brother - they see me as a friend, because there is some mutual interest there, they see me because I see them as well, and that is what a friend is, someone who is there, someone who shares in your struggles, who makes time for you though lives get busy. Friends are those whom we choose and who have chosen us, no bond by blood but by interest and the real ones dig deep into our souls and we into theirs, sometimes bringing out the best and other times making us confront those parts of us we wish to keep hidden, those parts we wish to ignore, those parts of self that confuse us, the ones we hide from and try our best to hide from others.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the future and how peoples perceptions of who I should be actually matter very little. People want you to always have a happy face and hide your true feelings and doubts because people want things tidy, they want things nice, most people prefer to hide their true selves and their problems. I am not that person and fight every chance I get when put into those situations where I feel I have to act in a “political” way. I try to be humble and not to be swayed to be something I am not even when the popular opinion may go the other way.

Ministers wear suits and stand up in front of congregations pray in grandiose ways and sway people with their great rhetoric and charismatic behavior, many even loose themselves in the midst of their job and congregations, forgetting who they are, getting burnt out trying to please everyone and be there to comfort everyone... but we are vessels and each is different, and each is broken if it is bashed too hard, if you try to put too much heat under it, or drop it on the ground so many times.

Ministers and people are supposed to entertain those around them, telling wonderful stories and having so much energy that others are attracted to them, others want to be around them, and if they are a Christian then that connection can be used to suck people into their views, persuade them to do what they are doing. They are loud and everyone hears them... but not everyone is that way… I am not that way. Where is the voice of those who cannot shout, where is the voice of those who are drowned out by those shouting who never give anyone else a chance to speak, who are so consumed by hearing their own voice they never consider what others desire, what others say, what others are struggling with.

Why is noise so much better than silence? Why are those who are charismatic and entertaining held up in such high regard to those who sit in silence? Maybe we need to learn to sit in silence, to hear the sounds of what is going on around us, to feel the gentle breeze, and maybe, perhaps somehow in there, we will hear the voice of God as well - not among the fire, great rushing waters, or earthquakes - but in the calmness. When life is quieted and God calls us forward once again out of the noise, out of the chaos; calls us to sit and listen, kneel and pray, or stand up and praise.

When did we loose our focus on simplicity and replace it with more is best.. more more more, doing more, being more, stretching more, stretching so far we feel our self about to break. So busy we try to do everything and find we have no time at all, the quantity remains but the quality of life has left us somehow, left us behind on the road of life, we see and smell the dust as it goes down the road, further and further away. Then, it is gone in the distance and we sit there, sit there wandering what we have done with our life. How did we get so far away? How did we become so distant? How did we become so confused? When did we become two or more people and how can we become one again? Sometimes feeling left by Christ and other times knowing the realization that it is us who left him when we forgot who we are, who he is, and how we let the darkness creep in and the light fall away. How do we bring that light back? How to we change inside so it shines outside?

... Something is happening to me. It happens when I wake up for work and begin that morning drive, it happens when I get home and check my mail, when I pay my bills, when I hang out with friends, and when I think and pray to God about my future. It is something that seems so subtle, but there is satisfaction there, in doing something, in having some purpose, some meaning, and in knowing that whatever God has for me will come in its time, that he is still preparing me, always preparing me for the next step, my next step, my next leap of faith...

~ Daniel

Article:
http://www.sodahead.com/question/393843/if-you-have-faithwhen-did-you-receive-it/

Pic:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCrJd_T2PW1DbMZY0gXPj0ykVmmcyRaCaJ6EAFeIOpgQLAlppJm6FJ93237NXfsPRZ3jN2RBWeqcNbfZ0L9xLZ7A9QCyXNG9pXaIButQRasIYzl_k790ypaT_wv8oYeoegr-t6DJbjK6cy/s320/old-town-stairs-big.jpg

A Fleece for Every Occasion

Today we had no truck at work, so I only worked three hours. I was kinda ticked off but I guess they could have sent us home after one or two hours, so better some work then none. I went to McDonald's and have brunch, two sausage biscuits with cheese and hash browns and a Dr. Pepper. I enjoyed eating slowly, taking my time since I had no where else to be. Then I just sat there, seeing the early morning sun, seeing the children eating with parents, and seeing the elderly population come out for brunch. As I was sitting there in the midst of my worry about bills and the future and trying to figure out and pray how God can and will use me, a strange peace came over time. I knew that the same God who made the sun that was coming up would be there for me, the same God who has been with me through my struggles the last year will continue to be with me, the God who I cannot always feel truly does care for me and provides for me... What I need to remember is to keep that mindset through the good and bad, no matter what comes my way. I need to learn to be more like Job in that way… trusting God more, I need to be less like Jonah running, and less like Gideon laying down the fleece and more like Paul suffering for Christ no matter his current state.

Sure we want a fleece for every occasion, a magic eight ball to answer all our spiritual questions, all of our life decisions would be so simple; however, there would be no work, no hardship, basically no need to trust or have faith. And perhaps we would stop trusting God and Jesus Christ and would put our faith toward a thing, an idol, something we believe that gave us direction but in the end will wither away like everything else. May God and Christ Jesus be glorified in all times, in all circumstances, forever and ever...

~ Daniel

http://www.ridgeway-church.org.uk/images/cartoons/fleece.JPG

Other Info on Gideon and the Fleece::
Short: http://www.gospelweb.net/YouthItems/gideonandthefleece.htm
Deeper/More In-Depth: http://www.growingchristians.org/dfgc/fleeces.htm

Till We Have Faces Life is a Masquerade

 

I am an observer of people. I watch things and notice thing that are different and things that are the same... and if you know me long enough you will notice this and sometimes this surprises people, especially if I inquire as to why something is different and they do not know or do not want to know the reason why... which brings me to my title and main point: The Masquerade! Oliver Wendel said, “Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend.”

This got me to thinking how we conduct ourselves around people, around our friends, our family, and our other social circles in life. I think that even here on the internet we interact differently, we put on a mask to hide who we really are: updating statuses, defining ourselves by the movies, TV, and music we listen to. However, I think for most of us we edit these things to make sure we are perceived a certain ways. We leave out music others might find lame or maybe movies we know we should not like but do anyway. Sometimes we send messages to people when we leave comments or do not reply to messages. We have been and are always creating an image of our self to others, not only of how we view our self but also on how we view them as well. So, it is both how we perceive self and how we perceive our self in relation to others. We are constantly defining and redefining our friendships, those who are close and not so close to us. Of course at the same time this is being done to us from others as well. The hope of course is that we are not caught in the middle, in that spot where we cut off people, only to be found cut off ourselves as well.

Ah, but now I am rambling and your brains are hurting. But that is ok, because I wanted that to happen and my brain hurts now as well, lol. I am saying all this because I think when I write sometimes people get freaked out by some of my honesty, by some of the masks I take off, trying to let people see true glimpses of myself, and hopefully allowing people to take a look at themselves and perhaps shed some of their masks as well. My theory is that most people walk around in masks all the time, not really letting others in. Mostly, of course, this is a defense mechanism because they have been hurt and scared in the past, so when given the chance to open up or reach out they relent, they digress, and they retreat into their shell and behind their mask. Of course these people are not hermits and most do not notice this because so many people wear these masks. I think that people like me who try to uncover these masks and see real faces challenge the stereotypes; they want to get beyond generality and into a more unique and deeper friendship and connection with others.

I try to do this through my writing but even more-so in my interactions in life. Sure I am still more introverted than extroverted but I am who I am and to be anything otherwise would be letting myself go, creating some mask to be accepted by others while at the same time loosing who I am and loosing real and vital connection with people and replacing those with shallow and fake relationships.

The only thing I want to add is that I try to be open in my writing but these are just parts of me, glances of me, just as one only knows aspects of friends each new time they speak together. The only thing I regret is that in my writing my humor never seems to come out... but maybe that is because humor comes across in an odd way online, and perhaps it takes exceptional writing to accomplish such a feat. So, I will stop ranting and leave you with a quote and some questions:

“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.” - Soren Kierkegaard

 

Questions/Discussion:
“Clowns wear a face that's painted intentionally on them so they appear to be happy or sad. What kind of mask are you wearing today?”

Do you ever feel like Life is a Masquerade Ball with everyone, including yourself, hiding behind a kind of facade? How do we find our face and drop the masks we wear?

Till We Have Faces
Life is Just a Masquerade…

~ Daniel

Pics:
http://www.newmoon.uk.com/ritual/masks.jpg
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1198/1277257951_8f94b72b35.jpg?v=0

Faith Beyond Belief

I hope this speaks somehow, perhaps may even encourage those who may be having similar feelings or frustrations. Persevere friend. Trust friend. God is with you and will provide.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
- Psalm 27:14

I have wanted to write this week but have been back and forth again a lot this week. I think a lot of things have made me anxious and stressed out: bill and student loan payments, needing to renew my lease soon, not getting two jobs at Citibank, and not getting as many jobs substitute teaching as I would have liked this week - more half-day then full-day jobs.

I admit, at one point this week I wept before God, asking him why and what He wants from me... I was so distraught I was trying to read my daily devotional book and threw it across the room in anger, frustration, and confusion... and those who know me will understand I rarely get emotional like that and even more rarely am I so filled with emotion that I ever throw anything.

God and I have been having a rocky road the last few months, mostly because I suppose my definition of God providing is differently than how and when God will actually provide. In my heart I feel called to ministry but wonder if that calling is full-time or part-time (bi-vocational). Just because a church does not have a lot of money does that mean they do not need ministers? Does it make my calling less to be in such a church?

I have been struggling spiritually, not in a manner in which I would deny my faith but in a manner that questions my presuppositions about God's provision versus my need. God has always taken care of me, so of course if God has shown himself faithful so far, then I am certain he will show himself faithful into the future. The struggle is how will God provide and when? I am a lot more open to options and possibilities than I was a few months ago, sure maybe I did miss some opportunities but I cannot go back and change, only push forward and change into the future, learning to be more open with God's will for my life and learning to see and respond to open doors when they rise up in my life.

God has provided and will provide. I really am blessed with good friends right now and a place to live, food to eat, and two jobs that are great and provide some income so I am not currently running on absolutely nothing. What bothers me is recognizing that in my life I feel I sometimes have more faith when things are going well then when they are not, that my faith God will provide is based on stability and financial circumstances, not with a stability in spirit and a joy that surpasses my circumstances... that is what I want and desire, faith beyond belief I suppose, to find joy in the midst of trail and tribulations and suffering. Of course, life is the journey getting us there and the path is sometimes easier to follow and work through than other harder times.

But I thank God that on my bad days (like the one below) when I am angry and doubtful he has grace and mercy on me, that he listens and offers his hand in the midst of my "teen" angst moments. Praise God for being good, for being loving, and for saving a wretch like me.

~ Daniel

James 1:27

 
James 1:27
Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

Where have we messed up? Where did we loose our vision and focus? Where did sharing the gospel become inviting people on Easter Sunday, learning extensive pre-programmed outlined evangelism, basically forsaking discipleship and commitment, and allowing the church and love and compassion of Christ to disappear from our pulpits and from our pews?

Where is Christ in us? Dare we call ourselves Christian when we act nothing, if even only in a small manner like Christ? How can we call ourselves Christian when the only times we sacrifice is “giving up” Sunday morning to come to church and Christ remains unlisted on our speed-dial during the rest of the week?

How can we be Christians when we spend so many hours texting, talking to our friends, and wasting out time online or watching TV and no time with the one who we claim to have a personal relationship with, the person who saved us and slayed the Kingdom of Death and Destruction with the Light and Glory of the Kingdom of God?

When did faith become about us and our desires and less about Christ and God. Why do we complain about worship style when many of us do not know how to worship? Why do we complain about confusion when we seem to no longer feel the need to kneel, fall down on our face, and pray before God, to raise our voice in laughter or let our tears of sorrow or joy fall from our faces?

We have lost something. I have lost something.
We have the programs but have lost our heart.
We have the teachings but lack their integration in our life.
We have the knowledge but lack the zeal.
We have the lost but cannot figure out how to communicate with them.
We have opportunities but are too busy to notice them when they arrive.

I want something more but am unsure of what
I want to be on fire but lack the spark somehow
I want to be growing and not settle for apathy and complacency
I want to become more and also become less
I want to find strength in my weakness
I want to find unsurpassed joy in my Savior
I want to yell the name of Christ “Jesus”
I want to savor the complexity of my Savior
And Savor my ignorance in the face of His infinite-eternal mystery

I want to be Christian
I want to pursue
I want Christ

~ Daniel
http://james127.com/images/james127.jpg

Extended Thought:
Matthew 25:31-46 - Sheep and Goats
Matthew 5:14-16 - Light Your World

Challenged

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. - James 1:2-7

Sometimes it is almost ironic when I am teaching a lesson to my youth, something I do all the time; however, sometimes the lesson has a way of slapping me in my face, of making me come face to face with my own faith in a new and unique way. This happened this week when we started going through the book of James in Sunday School. As I was starting the lesson I got to verse two and knew God was about to humble me once again.

Sure the last few months have been tough on me, mostly emotionally and somewhat spiritually. It is always difficult to go through transitions and worry about money, worried if God will provide and be faithful like I believe but the experience, going through such trials, is always very difficult. I have tried to express this difficulty to others, even my parents, but I think only people who are single have a good grasp on what it feels like to go through such things by themselves and be challenged to trust God in all things.

Still, I find it difficult and so against the norm to find joy in my misery, not only that but also to ask God for things in prayer and fully believe He will provide it or provide something better. I guess life has made me pessimistic and so sometimes I find myself doubting God while believing at the same time. I feel like the guy speaking to Jesus who says "I believe, help me in my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). On one hand I am confident God will provide and on the other hand I have some dark place that wonders if it will all come tumbling down only getting worse in the coming months and years. See, I told you - pessimistic... and believe me I do not like that side of myself but it is there nonetheless.

Somehow I pray God will help me through this, give me strength and a clear vision for what I should do and where I should go; that I would follow Him and he would give me confidence where I doubt and strength where I may only see weakness in myself. Sometimes it does help me to think of the things I do have and the few good friends who have been next to me and held me up in prayer... but for some reason I find myself going back and forth a lot in my mind between feeling this joy that things will be good, if not better… and these other thoughts that seem to be there as well so full of despair and doubt.

Truly to find joy in our hardship is a difficult task; however, if we believe God is with us and we have hope in Christ - then I suppose we will believe that somehow God is with us in our sorrows, shares in our suffering, and will provide for his children somehow in someway...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:25-34

In Christ,
~ Daniel

And just because it is funny and slightly relevant...

Depths of Me

Where to start. Where to even begin. Those friends who have been around me know I have been going though a lot, even if I do not speak about it that often. Being around people helps me a lot and so I have been thriving on social contact lately. For those who have spent time with me, even if we do not open up into deep philosophical or emotional conversations, I appreciate the time we have had together. Friendship in whatever capacity has always been special and important to me and I do not call people friends easily; especially good, great, or best friends. Most people live on the fringes, on the outside of our life. Only a few know us and few will ever know us deeply.

In the beginning of my job searching I was getting really down for a while. I was having trouble eating, sleeping, and napping... and those who know me well know how much I appreciate a good afternoon nap. I struggled for about a week or two with feeling completely worthless, completely useless, and was questioning God so much, so unsure if I made the right choice by staying here. As the weeks have passed, as I have opened the scriptures and made it through Proverbs this last month God has began to comfort me. I still have some moments of worry and confusion, usually in the night before I lay my head down or early in the morning when I wake up to another day of what has become a vague existence the last few months.

If my blogs have not shown it, I have been having some very deep thoughts about my life, about who I am, and about what it means to serve God... and what it means to sacrifice. I have had to open myself to the possibility that God may move me, may make me uncomfortable. God has NOT done this YET but I have had to realize that I must open myself to the possibility, to whatever God has next for me in my own growth as a person, a Christian, and as a minister. Basically, God has had to break me and has to some degree, though to say he has completely broken me would be in error, because we are always working on letting something go and opening ourselves up to other things.

I have been reading this great book called "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys". It is such a great book and I was so happy to finally start reading again. When I get down I find myself not reading, not playing guitar, not listening to music - I loose part of myself, part of my passion. It is nice to be coming back to that. The book has spoken so much to me, not just about boys and the later problems men have but also opened up for me some of the things from my own past, from my boyhood and even things today that I hide because sometimes I close myself off to things to try to protect myself.

 I do have or build walls to hide aspects of me because I feel inferior or am fearful of rejection.
I think a lot of people fear rejection, fear not measuring up, not being good enough, and having others say such things to you or about you, in font of your face or behind your back. The ironic thing is even if we have faced rejection, what really has control over us is the fear itself, it is what we have in our own mind, in our inner thoughts, the thoughts that we usually do not share with others... and if we do sometimes it is to a very limited degree. We do not want to admit that we hear ourselves or hear the darkness or perhaps even Satan at times telling us: You are Inferior. You are not successful. You do not and will NEVER measure up. No one wants to be with you. You are alone. You will be alone. You find yourself in darkness and cannot find a way out. The lies compound, they build on top of one another. The lies bury us, they have us bound, they have us chained, and they have us burdened with this guilt and rejection, which may have never actually happened or may be very much exaggerated.

Just like Spider-Man struggled in the Bell Tower to rip of the Alien Symbiote, called Venom, so must we rip of these parts of our self that are not self-edifying, that are not encouraging, that only drag us down. But we do not have to do this alone. We are not alone. We are not left in the darkness. Christ Jesus is there with us, giving us strength and giving us perspective. The Holy Spirit has granted us power and helps us in moments of crisis if we will just lay ourselves before God, if we will just fall before God, cry out our eyes, open our hearts, and choose to give our life to him; the life we really already gave but continually decide to hold things back. These parts of us we tend to hold on to, the ones that we hide in the depths, in the secret areas, those closed rooms of our minds we try to keep locked away from others. We must open our self up to God; open our self up to friends and possibilities. We must not keep ourselves locked away or chained down, defeated, but arise above the ashes out of our gloom and our terrible thoughts. The Love of Christ compels you, it compels me. We must unite with and encourage our brothers and sisters, have fellowship with one another, and pray for one another, whether generally or specifically.

The Love of Christ Compels You
The Power of Christ will give you Strength
The Joy of Christ will give you Perspective
The Hope of Christ will give you Perseverance

The Cloud of Witnesses,
Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ
Keep you always in their hearts and in their prayers.
--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you find in the depths?
What do you hide?

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lgph0144+iceberg-hidden-depths-poster.jpg

Trusting God

Trusting God is never an easy thing, especially when transitions come along. You literally question every decision and when you are single and by yourself, while you do have friends and family to bump choices off of, the ultimate decision, and the primary actions are all done by yourself. Sometimes you feel as if you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, so much responsibility to be successful and be a certain way, live a certain way, as if you must take the world on all by yourself. Sure there are people around but they almost exist on the outskirts of your life, they exists based on the decisions you choose or do not choose, sometimes they revolve around you but are not necessarily connected to you anymore, because now you are older, you are independent and must learn to live on your own. On some level I agree and seek out this individuality, this wanting to be successful by myself; yet I find myself wanting balance because I also desire community and fellowship.

For those who knew me in my past I was much more introverted than I am now, less likely to put myself out there, less likely to talk to different people, or be up on stage. I questioned my own calling into youth ministry because of my lack of charisma and outgoingness, even some of my own friends questioned this calling for someone like me. Still I heard God calling my name, something that I knew I must do, something he was calling me to do and would grant me the strength to do, to be in His timing and not my own. It has been a difficult but great change for me the past few years, becoming a better minister, Christian, and person. I seek out friendships where before I would not have. I offer my hands to friendships whereas before I would have let slip by me because I felt I could give no more. And still in the back is that person who walks back instead of forward, who wishes to be in the background instead of stepping up, who wants friends but has a hard time putting himself out there, for the fear of rejection, the fear of people no understanding him, not understanding me, progresses to the front. Still I have to balance myself, my fear of being a no one with the expectation to be someone great, to be the Man of God I know I can be, the one I hear God calling me to be. The journey is sometimes hard but the rewards for changing, for transforming are so sweet. God has been good to me so far and while sometimes I doubt or have worry, sometimes feeling nervous and other times anxious, I know God will be good to me into the future.

If you have made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read all of this. My hands just keep typing, the ideas flowing, and I feel compelled to write a little more. I think in our lives we do not encourage one another much, we do not lift one another up, not only in prayer but in front of others for doing good, for simply being good people, or for showing and being an expression of Christ in another’s life. Nathan - Wow, you have been there a lot for me the last few weeks buddy. I came into town and you and your wife let me stay at your place, even gave me a key for while I was there. You helped me move all my stuff into my apartment and even get some extra stuff. You have helped me more than you know and it means a lot to me. You give selflessly many times and I thank God for your friendship and know your generosity will be rewarded. Rey - you have also been a great friend the last few weeks, coming over to see my place and chatting with me sometimes. I know you look to change yourself, to find something new. I pray that God comforts you as you change while not compromising the key parts of yourself that make you yourself. Mandi - When I was freaking out about my car and looking for someone to drive me to the car place you gave me a ride and asked me how things were going. Thanks. Katy - Even though you are struggling with your own future and transitions, you still pray and check-up on me. Thanks. Some things may seem huge and others small but I know God will reward your kindness and I am thankful for each of you. So, life is confusing for me right now but God has been and will be good. My current predicament has left me calling out to God and reading scripture more lately and this verse stuck out to me this morning:

Commit to the Lord Whatever You Do,
And Your Plans Will Succeed.
Proverbs 16:3

May God Bless You
May He Comfort You and Me
Your Brother in Christ

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://mikemilton.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/istock_000002620307small.jpg