Pondering Review

As I sit here a few days after graduating from Seminary, I cannot help to reflect on, not just the last year, but on about the last 2.5 years I have spent in Abilene. I suppose many would say that spending about three years in Seminary should make me feel smarter and more competent and while it defiantly has helped, I think a lot of growth was with me personally, but not intellectually. The changes are more in the way I relate to people and the experiences I have gone though and even pushed myself through. I think many people push themselves more than others realize, whether it be jobs, friends, relationships, and even in their spiritual lives. In the end, the journey we are on, the path we find ourselves is mostly always our own doing, for good or for bad.

Before I came to Seminary, I had never held a position in a church. Sure I had helped out in various ministries in my hometown, I had even helped out in Baptist Student Ministries; however, these were not staff positions, and I have realized the differences between volunteer and paid church leadership in the last two years. A lot has to do with the responsibility, realizing that you are the central core to a vital ministry in the church... this is not to say that you are the all-important minister. However, it is to say that without vital staff leaders and lay leaders all using their gifts and abilities for ministry that the church would easily crumble and fall. While I am still not always confident in my own skills and know I lack the charisma of some other ministers out there, I am more confident in my calling now than I was in the past and know that God will continue to grow and transform me into the minister that He sees me to be using the gifts and talents he has bestowed upon me... and comparing oneself and ones ministry to another does nothing but make spirituality a game... and that is not what Christianity or the church is all about.

Still, most of my growth has been much more personal. I have learned how to push myself more when I use to be the one to always stand back and wait. I still do wait for the Lord but have learned that sometimes waiting is just an excuse to do nothing at all. Not just in ministry but in relation to friendships and relationships, learning to be more bold is something important. I am not extroverted, I do not have that charisma that instantly attracts people to me, and to be honest, I always find myself weary to extroverts, because I feel like they are always trying to show off. On the other hand, with introverts it takes time to sift through the initial shyness or their anti-social tendencies to get to the core. All I am saying is getting to know people takes time and getting to become good friends with people takes time as well but the blessing of those friendships can be wonderful.

What I am astounded by is how when you are friends with people, you can begin to see things in people that they can either never see in themselves or never would admit to seeing in themselves. In my friends I have seen many great qualities: In one I have seen and received the gift of help many times. This friend is constantly helping me in situations and also calls on me for help when it is needed. It is rare to find people who actually say they will help you out and then follow through with it. Another friend has showed me courage, though she would never see herself as a courageous person. She has pushed herself to the limit and though she tried to hide parts of herself, I hope that someday she will see the courage to overcome anything in her life the way I see it. I have another friend who has shown me both strength and what a true encourager is, she gives of herself selflessly, usually expecting nothing in return. Sometimes she is drained but does not give up because she leans on the strength of Christ. Actually, I think all of these friends do, as well as myself. I do not know where I would be without Christ today, without the hope he gives, the light that keeps shining in this dark world, and the strength I always find in my own weaknesses.

So, I guess that is it. Not as beautifully worded as some other notes/blogs but something I just felt like putting out there. Transformation is possible, it can be achieved; however, we must always remember that change takes time, effort, and struggle. every journey takes a long time, as one finds themselves among many paths, some steep, others lushes and green, some make us fight the cold while others have heat that makes us sweat, some are windy while others are soaked with rain. We choose our path, we walk our own journey, and thankfully God provides us with friends, and provides us with the consolation that Christ Jesus is with us all along the way.

~ Daniel

p.s. - To those who do not know already... A week before Christmas my grandpa on my mother's side past away. Christmas has been different this year, filled with both joy and sorrow. We are glad he is not suffering but sad to see him go. In times like this, one learns to cherish those around them, both family and friends, because you realize that you may not see that person again.



Love you Grandpa!

Pic:
http://www.clarencestowers.com/the_urban_pastor/images/2008/03/30/ponder.jpg

Smile

Behind our smiling faces lies the truth, broken faces, broken people who suffer needlessly, tirelessly by themselves, alone. Behind these faces are hopes, behind these faces are dreams, visions, ideas and hope for the future, usually hope that becomes squandered by the world, by the place that gives us so much joy and so much grief. Behind those faces are people, souls, family, and friends, those who love us and those who despise us, those who would do anything for us and those who would not lift a finger to help another. Behind those faces are deep friendships and others that will only last for a time. Behind those faces are ones who have rejected us and ones who accept us as we truly are...

Thoughts of closeness and thoughts of distance, thoughts of great happiness and grief, thoughts of understanding and of confusion. Sometimes those faces are complicated and other times so simple and strait-forward, sometimes pessimistic and other times optimistic in spite of circumstances. Some have problems, trials, temptations, pain, and suffering. some are running from their past while others are unsure of their future. Some sit still in the present while others are too busy to appreciate anything in the now. Some are too emotional and others too intellectual in their pursuits. Some want romance while others want practicality. Some have given up on their hopes and dreams while other persevere to find them lived-out. Some follow the extremes of life while others follow balance and moderation.

Some write words to encourage while others write words to judge. Some write without knowing what may come, who they will meet, or where they will go. Some write because it gives them voice when they have no other. Some speak with fire and other with soft compassion. Some people hear and listen while others ignore. Some people connect with others while others run away. Some people hide themsleves, hide from themselves because of the truth they wish not to face. They hide behind their smiling faces, their clean-cut image when underneath they are breaking, falling, broken. They lift up there eyes and cry for help.

Will God hear them? Will God heal them? Will God change something? Will something new happen? Is there hope? Where will life go from here? Will I depend on Jesus? Will I find strength from my Savior? When will all this be done? When will I be made new? When will I be broken no more? when will I see faces smiling with no facades, no hidden pains, but only pure joy beneath? That time when there will be no worry, no anxiety, only life and peace. That day when brokenness is broken and joy is made complete.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj231/Heidikorolew-yo/smile.png

Enter In

Yesterday in chapel at my seminary we had small groups, which I almost did not attend because it is about prayer. Prayer has been a hard concept for me lately, because I feel like I have been crying out to God but have not received clear answers. I am not saying I do not believe, nor am I saying I never doubt, but I just feel like things are blurry, vague, and unclear to me. I know one day I will look back and know this is where I was supposed to be; however, for those who are going through tough or confusing times, it is never easy and always hard, something of a terrible struggle that test our faith, trust in God, and ability to persevere despite the darkness we perceive around us.

Go to the Link below (open in a new tab/window):
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/McCROJ

Press play on the song, and then continue reading...

... So, I pushed myself to go to chapel, because I know we should push ourselves into situations that make us uncomfortable, it is the only way we ever really grow I think. And after such nudges, I am always happy and glad I did. In small groups we talked about music and its affects on us, especially in regard to our prayer life. I spoke of how music speaks when we cannot speak, puts lyrics to music and opens the gates of emotions, of joys, of fears, of gladness, of tears. I also find music to be worshipful, sometimes stopping what I am doing when a song really speaks, almost being paralyzed by the truth found within, quieting myself in the penetrating presence of God that may come over me, even if for one song.

Then we listened to a Gregorian chant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregorian_chant). I was surprised how quickly the song, the music spoke to me. Even though the lyrics were in another language (Latin I believe), I was brought to the idea of God's beauty and the blessings he has given us, and has given me. From there I was taken in my mind's eye to stained-glassed windows, cathedrals, and dim candle-light; however, it did not end there.

I was then taken to images of a forest in the spring with a breeze, a gentle waterfall in the background. I was taken to images of the fall when leaves are changing and falling back and forth in the wind until they touch the ground ever so softly. I found myself in the winter-cold on mountain tops where everything was covered with snow. I found myself in a place of dry cliffs and canyons with the clouds rolling by, sometimes giving shadow and sometime giving light.

Then the music stopped and I was brought back to the present... and in so little time I felt my sense of peace begin to drop again as my life came back into view. I felt and feel like I had to leave that beauty, leave those images behind and return to my real life. It is sad that we do not associate the beauty of God or the beauty of creation with our real life. There seems no time to sit and view these scenes, hear the breeze rustling through the leaves, or listen to the birds chirping. We are all busy, rushing through life but not necessarily enjoying it. It is sad how programmed we are and we have no idea the constraints that are put on us by society and by self. Christ is here to break those chains I think, to set us free, not just spiritually but so that now we can truly see the world for what it is, see who we truly are, and everything is seen in a whole new way.

I wish I could say having Christ in my heart fills be with constant joy but it does not most of the time, not because salvation is not a great (the greatest!) gift but sometimes life just seems to grip me and pull me into its chaotic thoughts and ways. I struggle against pessimism and push toward optimism, wanting to dream while wanting to be real about things at the same time. Progress is never easy and is a very long process, one in which we are constantly changed by Christ, shedding of parts of the old and revealing aspect of the new.

Blessings,
~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.jenniferfarley.info/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/stained-glass-window1.jpg
http://www.1adventure.com/archives/images/new-cathedral-salamanca-spain-bw-lowres.jpg

Links:
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/?query=gregorian%20chant
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/xawrKy
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/mNK76l
http://www.mycatholicvoice.com/media/view/tpxnRo

Friendship

 

"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them."(1)

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately, how simple and complex friendship can be sometimes. How great it can be to have someone who we feel really knows us, who is connected to us... and other times how complicated it seems to navigate those friendships within life, whether it is our own inability to function as ones friend or their inability to continue functioning with us on the level of friend. Some friendships last a long time while many of them seem to only last for a season.

How people even become friends sometimes seems to make absolutely no sense logically. Why do we decide to talk to the person on our left rather than our right? Why do some connect with us on this level of friend instead of the level of merely acquaintance? As a person who only has a few close friends, I cherish the friendships I have, seeing them as a blessing from God with the ability to offer both companionship and great joy to my own life (hopefully to my friends life as well).

In general, what is friendship anyway, except a commitment to relationship between two people? Even if that commitment is unspoken, it is said by actions and by responses. Otherwise wouldn’t they only be an acquaintance? In friendship, there is a communication, commitment, and reciprocity that is vital to the continuing of that relationship and its function between the two people involved. If one person changes, either the relationship will change or it will dissolve. Mostly there are two choices in any friendship at any time: the first is the continuing growth and vitality of the friendship while the second is the decline and dissolving of that friendship until there is (practically) nothing is left.

"In emulating [Jesus] one loves not only those deserving of love, but all in the company, lovable or not…. This sounds like what Aristotle and Aquinas called 'benevolentia', the love that wills another’s good. It comes from the stance of one situated above. In contrast is the love of desire, 'concupiscentia', in which one hopes to gain something from the person loved. Its primary motive is need of fulfillment. Better than both is 'amicitia', the love of friendship. That term sounds pallid [or dull] to our modern ear, but the teachers who made the distinction ranked it as the highest of the three. It is the love God had for us and it puts us on par with God. This is the agape of the New Testament."(2)

~ Daniel

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship
(2) Gail R. O’Day. “The Gospel of John: Introduction, Commentary, and Reflection,” in the New Interpreters Bible. (Nashville: Abingdon, 1995), 756.

Interesting Articles about Friendship:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=20061102-000001&page=1
http://www.ehow.com/how_2004357_repair-friendship.html
http://www.cyberparent.com/friendship/maintain.htm
http://www.burnsurvivorsttw.org/stories/friendship.html

Others:
http://blog.christianitytoday.com/giftedforleadership/2008/10/whats_missing_in_friendship.html
http://blog.todayschristianwoman.com/walkwithme/2008/10/the_friendship_secret.html

Pic:
http://www.desicomments.com/uploads/2008/02/friendship-graphics1.jpg

Revolution of the Soul

Sometimes I feel the winds of change coming, something transformative, something calling us into a deeper reality, into a deeper commitment towards Christ. I think I see this in the coming generation, of course many will say the younger generation always believes in the ideal, that at some point they loose it and get back to real life. I am tired with the concept of real life, that so many times we always seem to be preparing for something better, never really moving forward, and never really taking steps now to challenge ourselves. We always see our true self in the future, but if we never began to change now, in this time, in this place we find ourselves, then what hope do we ever have to change in the future.

A revolution of the soul is now called for in our time, in this time and in this place we find our self. Putting off challenging self now may seem like a good and safe idea, but if we do not take any risk now, how will we ever take them in the future? A revolution of the soul, of mine and yours means obedience, it means service, and it means a lot of self-sacrifice. We will get uncomfortable at times, nervous, anxious, sacred, fearful even; but for those who have their hope in Christ we know that Christ is with us, and in our weakness he exudes full power, strength, and authority.

Paul says to live is Christ, to die is gain (Philippians 1:21); however, in our age it seems like to live is gain and to die is Christ. It seems we have a few things mixed up, a few things we are confused about as Christians. Yes, I say this to myself as well. I find myself worried and anxious about the future, where I will live, what I will do, how I will ever pay bills? But as these questions permeate my mind, I am always brought back to Christ. I see the word made flesh, the one who taught with boldness and compassion, the one who died for my sins, rose on the third day, and forever defeated that rift between myself and God that I would never pass on my own.

A revolution of the soul is called for, a rejecting of cultural ideas that run contrary to Christ and accepting that following God is not a choice, but the only choice for us as Christians. If no revolution in the individual soul occurs, then a revolution, an awakening, a spiritual great awakening on the global scale will never be possible. However, while we see a declining interest in America, many other countries are feeling the spirit move in various ways. We could be a part of such spiritual outbreaks, but we do not have to go to another country. The problem is not where one lives physically but where they live spiritually, and in America, I think we live for the self, for the individual. We miss the concepts of the community, of the church as a true and binding family, a worshiping and preaching of God that exudes from the spirit of God and not from our programming of God and spirituality.

Somehow we are missing something; something behind the veil of self that we are not quite ready to get rid of, something maybe we are quite not ready to see because we are not quite ready to give up self yet. It seems we are waiting for something, something to happen, some voice or vision of God to come and call us too much more. The fact is that it already came in the person of Jesus Christ. The call has already been placed and the longer we wait, the more we miss out on being apart of the Kingdom of God now, the longer we stay stagnant in our current place of complacency, leaving spiritual growth to those we admire, instead of in our own hearts and minds.

A revolution of the soul is not an option, it is the only option. Transformation into the image of Christ is a requirement and a privilege; yet it is only there for those who lay the old self behind, with all its sin and with all its insecurities. It is there for those who take on the new self, with Christ as its hope and victor, and leaves love and self-sacrifice in its wake. We stand in a land of politics; where power plays are made by deals and excuses are given as real answers. Christ did not play these games, God does not make deals, and the Holy Spirit is saddened when we ignore its power and place in our lives. Hope is available, but it is not fully found in this world. Spiritual maturity is available, but it is not found in a great speaker or preacher or worship that makes us feel something. Strength is available, but is not found in the need to dominate others through power and control. No, our hope is found in Christ, spiritual maturity should be found in self as we grow, and true strength is found in our weaknesses, when we finally decide to turn over self to God.

Praise be to God,
Who Was, and Is, and Is to Come,
Praise Be to Christ,
The Word of God made Flesh,
And to the Holy Spirit,
Who is Alive and Real.

To the Glory of God
And the Perseverance of the Saints

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://eldib.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/revolution.jpg

Facade: Behind the Mask

I remember way back when I was in middle school in my seventh grade year I was having my quiet time with God and became aware that I was (or came across) as three different people. I was the boy at home, the friend at school, and the youth at church; each of these having to be slightly different, partly me and partly not me sometimes. I decided then that I was just going to be me, that anything else was putting on fronts or being hypocritical.

Sometimes as a minister I feel I have to put on a front... this does not mean I am not myself, but sometimes it feels like I cannot be completely myself for fear of judging or fear that if I am feeling down, people will merely tell me to trust God... that things will work out in the end - so I should not worry. But cliché sayings do not help anyone, nor does trying to get anyone to ignore how they feel, because how someone feels is true to them, something they just cannot un-feel. Emotions can be distracted or substituted, such as inviting someone feeling down to go out to eat or trying to interject a joke in hope it will evoke laughter, maybe even give someone some joy. This does not deny the initial emotion but accepts it and hopes to evoke change from the negative into the positive.

 

I feel like the last few weeks I have been a facade, a person wearing a mask. I love hanging-out with my friends but for some reason I have been down the last few weeks. A lot of it has been questions about God and myself... and I find myself going from being really down to being ok and then back again. It just seems like this cloud lately that I cannot shake off for some reason, where usually I might be down a day or so and then I am fine. The last few days I have really began to miss my home and my family; there is something refreshing about being with my family, something that I do not get elsewhere.

~ Daniel

My Prayer

When I see the hurt and desperation of my brothers and sisters, it truly pains me too see the suffering and confusion many of them feel. Some of them are Christians merely trying to struggle against their sin and themselves, while others are fighting against the world, against those who find Christianity with a nasty taste in their mouth. Still, there is another section of my family that burdens me… these are my brothers and sisters in ministry, from those teaching and leading programs to those who are volunteer, paid, part-time, and full-time staff. I see the pain they go through, the hurt that comes with such positions in the church. I see the risk they take when they go into a church or continue to be in these situations, many times it is because they feel the call of God to continue to persevere, to minister to those in the church who might even have it out for them, who feel they are unqualified, or some other quarrel with them. I am not talking about those ministers who are prideful or arrogant, but those who are honestly trying to do God’s will, who seek God with their heart and sometimes get that heart crushed by the things, secret and open, that happen within the church walls, from people called “Christian”.

The only hope for such pain though is Christ himself, and with such an example, many times the minister gives of themself, sacrifices themselves for the sake of the bigger picture, so that instead of creating disunity, unity is created and the hope that with this humble approach God might use the situation and make something good out of something that has caused pain.

Romans 12: 9-16
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Lord, I pray for those who are hurting, for those who are suffering and in pain. I pray for those who feel alone, who have anxiety, stress, worry, and depression. I pray that you give these people peace and rest somehow. I pray that you ease their burdens and help in guiding them to find balance in their lives, to find purpose and meaning that stems from your Holy Spirit’s guidance. I pray that you give them and myself wisdom to discern your will, that you would guide our ways and help us to not sway from your presence. I pray that we would continue to seek you in all aspects of life, not just the ones that are obviously spiritual, but the ones that are the every day. May you be the core that defines us, so that we no longer define self by our weaknesses or insecurities but by Your name and the strength we gain from being close to You, close to Your presence, and filled with Your good word.

Mostly, I pray that we would encourage one another instead of judging, that we would hear one another instead of talk at one another, that we would love one another instead of hate or hurt one another. May we be a light in the darkness instead of adding to the darkness already at work in this world. May we look toward your good future and seek ways to make aspects of that known presently, today, so that others will see us and know you are God, not because of who we are in ourselves but who we are in Christ alone.

Matthew 5:3-11
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.buddymartin.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/teddys-prayer-print-c10054978.jpg

Finding Home...

Finding home... finding your core, your center, that place that refreshes and revitalizes you, that gives your soul comfort and is the place you would rather be than anywhere else. Since I have graduated high school, I have been looking for my own home. While I was in college it was still very much my hometown of Houston in my heart. I would love to go back and become refreshed from time with my family and friends; yet as I moved through college I would catch myself referring to Marshall as my home, the place where I studied religion and met some awesome friends. Still, I knew it could not be my home because I would graduate soon and have to leave... and all my friends would leave as well... Sometimes that is just how life seems too be, that we are moved by our circumstances and not moving ourselves, and that some uncontrollable force is at work. When we believe that force to be God, we might find peace; while other times the seeming loss of control over ones life and confusion in making decisions going forward makes us wonder if it is God or fate.. Or are the two connected???

All this brings me to my current predicament. In my last blog/note/post, I stated that I was beginning to find some peace; yet I still found/find myself going back and forth between a peace that God will provide and that I must make a decision, choose something, some road to follow, to help me guide my way through the fog in life, even if it is all just in my mind. When I first got to Abilene, I thought for sure I would want to leave when I graduated, that three years here in this small city would be enough, then I would move on to some ministry in a medium church and be the "man/minister I am supposed to be". However, what I have learned about life is that it rarely works out the way we think or plan. I have been so consumed with asking God where I should go, that I do not know if I ever asked him if I should stay... If he would let me stay perhaps... See, over the last few years, especially the last year - I have begun to feel Abilene to be my home in many ways. For the first time in a while I have developed friendships that I consider true and genuine and have pleasantly surprised me. However, I have been somewhat angry at God in some way too, because it always seems like just when I make close friendships, he calls me elsewhere... I must then leave those great friendships and begin again. This has been my life since I left for college and I find the prospect of repeating it again once graduating with my Masters to be unwanted.

If God is a God or relationships... If I have grown so much while in this place... If I have friendships that I value and wish not to be taken from... Does God care? I am beginning to think that he does care very deeply about me, my need for community, my need to receive and offer friendship, and my need to grow as a minister through his process and not my own, not what people say the process should be. God will make me a minister and a man of God in his time and mine, as I struggle back and forth with Him, learning what it means to be a person, a Christian, and the minister God has called me to be wherever I am. I have decided... or at least I am going to shoot too stay in Abilene, this small great town after I graduate. I do not think God is done with me yet in this town and do not feel right now him calling me elsewhere. This decision has not been easy. Deciding the road for ones future never is... but I thank my deepest friends for being there for me in prayer and laughter, peace and worry, pain and joy.

Jacob, my friend from way back, though you live far way and we only talk sometimes, your humor and love for God always helps me see life the real way, not some cliché version that society or the church may put out there for me too see. Nathan, who though married, finds time to hang out and eat lunch each week with a single guy like me as we discuss things about life, ministry, our passions, our beliefs, and those ironic and funny things that seem to happen to us in life. Grant, my friend from college who I call my brother and though we may not hang out or talk like we use too, I know I am in your prayers and you are in mine as well. Mandi, whom I only met this past spring and has been an utter joy to be around, especially with our similar taste in movies and love for the game UNO.. ha ha. Katy, who more recently entered my circle of friends and shares my enjoyment of writing stuff online, maybe sometimes too openly (ha ha) and is more encouraging than she knows. And my most recent friend addition Ed, who started seminary this summer and though younger than me has a realistic and pragmatic wisdom that helps give perspective on things, even if we may not agree 100%. These friendships have helped me in so many ways... they provide me with a community of both thought and laughter, a way to feel helped and helper, and a great valve to release the stress that comes in life.

Finding your core,
Your center,
That place that refreshes
And revitalizes you,
That gives your soul comfort
And is the place you would rather be than anywhere else...

Find Friendships...
And perhaps you have Found Home...

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/home-sweet-home-quilt-block-3.jpg

Awake

If there is one thing I have noticed in life, it is that being comfortable is not an acceptable way to live. As a Christian I find that God usually wishes to begin stretching me in new and different areas about the time I am comfortable in one place. Sometimes this is spiritually, emotionally, or intellectually – but during these times I am stretched I am also going through stress, the stress and tension that comes with growth that comes with changing, transforming, and maturing into a more efficient human, and a more importantly, a more efficient worker in the Kingdom of God.

The last few months have been something of a whirlwind in my life, with so many things going on it sometimes was almost too much to handle mentally. Some nights I got less sleep because I would stay up thinking about things and solution or actions or inaction's I should take. Sometimes my stomach would begin to churn from the worry, from the confusion, from my inability to make any significant change now. When all one believes they can do is wait, it takes some time to be at peace in that context; yet sometimes that is our calling as Christians, to wait on the Lord.

In the past, I had the tendency to wait, to say no to things that seemed like they would be too much for me. However, now things seem to be changing to some extent. I do things that stretch me, though I know they will make me uncomfortable. I do things despite myself... and I suppose this is an answer to my past prayers for more boldness and courage in my life, as a person and as a Christian. I do not say this to be prideful but to say that as a person who is not usually comfortable up front, God is pushing me ever-forward. So, now my conundrum is the waiting process… I am graduating in December and really do not know what is going to happen. The last month this troubled me much, but now I am feeling much more at peace with things. We always want answers from God but maybe sometimes we are asking the wrong questions, maybe we are trying to be reasonable when God is calling us to think unreasonably, to see with his heart and mind and not our own.

Growth is hard, that is why teenage years can be so hard, so much is going on mentally and physically and emotionally – trying to keep up with everything can be challenging… and so I am at a point in my life where I am being challenged once again, being stretched, being changed. I am not the same boy I was in high school, not the same guy I was in college, and no longer the same man I was when I started graduate school. Life is changing me, God is changing me... and I believe though I am struggling, that this change is for the best, and maturity only comes through such times. I pray that those are struggling would look at those struggles as a challenge, something to produce a wonderful change, not something to bring us down.

Life is a journey to be lived,
It stretches us and comforts us,
Challenges us and other times makes us laugh.

The Lord be with You!
~ Daniel

Pics:
http://www.bloorstreet.com/300block/vvgstrnt.gif
http://community412.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/08/31/bible_and_coffee_cup.jpg

Will the Holy Spirit Please Stand Up?

For those who know me the best, they know that these past few months, especially the last few weeks have been rather rough for me. So many things have seemed to be collapsing in, the largest thing is graduation from seminary and the inevitable seeking of what God has for me after that day in December. Finding and knowing God’s will, being certain of it can be difficult. In addition, as I have lived my spiritual life so far, I am convinced that there are times when God’s will comes at us specifically and to disobey would be a grave mistake; however, there seem to be other times that his will is much more general, that we are too obey God and love others with the light of Christ. Sometimes this thought is comforting too me, that one mistake does not mean I have messed up my whole life; yet it also leaves knowing where to go seeming very grey and vague.

I say all of this as a back-story to an experience that happened this past week… and I am almost there. Two important things happened this last week that had begun to help me with these thoughts of my inevitable future, which has been bringing me serous worry and doubt. First, I totally started reading the book of Jeremiah. This is a prophet of God I feel a kindred spirit too, as he cries out to God constantly that he feels unworthy for such a position and God continually is telling Jeremiah to move forward with his word. Second, I totally bought “This is our God” by Hillsong, a CD that gave me so much more comfort than I thought it would.

So, then Sunday comes.. And then Sunday night. And Bam!, I felt the Holy Spirit Sunday night at my church like never before in my life. Sure I have felt the Holy Spirit before in times of worship, in the need to pray for someone at the alter occasionally; however, this was something drastically different. I felt the Holy Spirit move in a way that night that made me feel as if I was actually a minister; that I was bold and compassionate; yet it was not something of me but from God. It is so very hard to explain in words. But beyond that, I felt and saw the Holy Spirit moving in my church in a way that I rarely see or feel (especially in the Baptist church). I saw my church truly as a family, as a community of brothers and sister praying and encouraging one another… and would you believe it was not something scripted on the worship bulletin. This experience gave me hope, not just for my own future, wherever God may lead me, but also for the universal church. I came out of that service different; I came out comforted and peaceful somehow. Many things were put into perspective and hope was restored in my own heart.

There are details to this experience I have left out, for privacy issues and for my own reasons. I may tell my closest friends more details in person or by some type of message.

After a few days of pondering this event, I have hit two questions. The first is something I have been thinking about over the last few months: Where is celebration in our churches? I mean, we are a part of the Kingdom of God and sometimes we seem more dead than alive in Christ (even myself I admit). The second question is this: Where is the room for the Holy Spirit in our churches (among those denominations that do not emphasize that part of the Trinity)? I do not think it should be over-emphasized, but in the Baptist churches I have been a part of, it seems to be squashed sometimes into submission to our worship order and meetings. Where is the balance between having no room and too much room? Well, this turned out totally longer than I expected… chew on some of the verse below.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2nd Corinthians 12:9-10

~ Daniel

Pic 1: Me
Pic 2: http://heartofflesh.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/holy-spirit.jpg

Hello, my name is Daniel… I am a Sinner…

I wonder if my last few blogs have been too open, too real? Can we be too open, too real? What is it about honesty that frightens us, when most people find honest or even blunt people, quite refreshing? I am so tired of the stigma that I have to be perfect, this set image because I am a minister or a seminary student. Yes, I have a responsibility to uphold the word of God and live a moral life; however, I also have the responsibility to live my own journey, and a journey leads to perfection and does not start from perfection. Why as Christians can’t we just admit we all have struggles and that we all sin, that we are imperfect. Isn’t that what the whole gospel message is for? When did we come to the place where we feel we must portray an image of perfection to be accepted, if anything, Jesus always seemed more accepting of those people called “sinner” and not those who seemed to “have it all together.”

 

I am a sinner. And my Savior is Christ Jesus. I am on this journey the same as anyone else, alongside my brothers and sisters, trying to help them, and being helped by them myself and by Jesus Christ. Jesus called his disciples his friends and so often I am saddened that in our churches, in these families, we have people on the outskirts of this so called family. No, it is not just the people deemed “unworthy” of the gospel because of how they dress or speak; it is also those who lead these churches, those who bear the responsibility of being an example of perfection. And the truth is that these people are not Jesus. I am not Jesus. Leaders will Fall. I will fall and stumble as well… Yet, Jesus remains my constant... and he should remain the constant and core of every Christian’s faith and belief. We trust in Jesus and not in any other person, no matter how perfect they may seem or how great a speaker they may be. We are all brothers and sisters in this journey, who all have our faults to work through with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and with the encouragement of our fellow Christians. It is not only those who seem “sinful” who need this encouragement but those who seem to have it together, both those who follow and those who lead need encouragement and need people alongside them, listening instead of judging, hearing instead of pointing an accusing finger.

I intended this blog to be about finding home... but it looks like something else came out in its place. Sometimes things need to be said and people need to be honest, never to be hurtful – but always to be helpful. Tonight I pray for all my brothers and sisters on the outskirts, both those who stick out like a sore thumb as abnormal in the church – but also for those who are leaders in the church, especially ministers, who feel they have to hide parts of themselves lest they be judged by everyone as something less than perfect, something less than “above reproach”. I pray that as Christians we would stop hurting and yelling at each other long enough to look into each others eyes and realize we are all in this journey of faith together, for none of us lives on an island alone. I pray that God forgive us for our lack of love that we have replaced with judgment, for the fact that in our churches we have to hide ourselves more than we open ourselves to one another. Perhaps the tide will change and we will see openness and honesty come about. I believe it is the only way we can witness to others… and the only way others will listen to our witness…

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://activerain.com/image_store/uploads/8/5/1/4/3/ar119056881934158.jpg

The Journey: My Current Life Theme

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Hebrews 12:1

Last night I was laying in my bed just thinking and pondering things as I tend to do... And I just cannot get over how life is so much like a Journey. Sometimes I liken it to Chess, because its not just the pieces involved, but where those pieces go on the board, and also the personality of the person you are playing against on the other end. In Chess, you must stay calm, try to see what is to come, but also must accept that you cannot change any past moves but only can change the progress of the game into the future. So it is with our own life, our own pathways, our own journey of life and of faith, and for those committed Christians we do not distinguish the two, for our life and our faith are so intertwined that to break them would mean utter chaos.

More recently, my journey has caused me times of struggle and trial at times, questioning or worrying about the future, about what moves to make or not make; however, somehow when I lay everything before God he gives me a peace that I do not, and cannot find, by myself. The theme of a journey is that I am continuing my walk with Christ and learning what that means within my life, and in my relationships with God and with others; that God guides me and I follow. However, following also means trusting and having faith, which in the last few years have become such real struggles in my Christian walk because I am no longer under the "protection" of my parents and now must truly begin to learn what it means to have God as my Father, and also have God as my friend.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

The journey is also about balance, for no one goes on a hike without rest, nor would they get anywhere without struggling at times and even falling down from the occasional stumble. But a person striving to finish the journey, to meet the goal, will always dust themselves off and continue, continue because they know that what lies ahead, while now unknown, is greater than what is behind them.

I suppose these are just some thoughts I felt I wanted to let out for some reason. Perhaps anyone out there struggling with trusting God will find they are not alone. Maybe another will re-think what it means to be a Christian. For me, the theme of Journey means that I am following Christ, through thick and thin, believing and trusting that in the end God loves me and knows what is best for me... and that, in fact, God is on this journey with me, alongside me as my God and as my friend, so that I am not alone.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://www.carolinapathways.org/images/pathway.jpg

Journey Into Solitude

Day One - 06/20/2008

Faith is not easy and certainly sometimes messy and confusing… And examining oneself is always a risk of seeing the light or the darkness that is revealed inside ourselves…These thoughts came about when, in a time that happens occasionally, I retreated from community and people to be alone, to be in solitude specifically and intentionally. It is not something that happens often, but a drawing I feel from God sometimes, though sometimes it begins with me feeling lazy I admit. Also, this is a response to the second chapter on Solitude from the book “Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation” by Ruth Haley Barton.

I sit here, silent in my room. Deep in thought, in prayer; hearing only the hum of my air conditioner. What secret things come to mind during this time? Will it make a difference now or later?

… I believe I lack passion and bold, the two qualities I seem to lack but admire in others. Perhaps I am a lazy Christian, seeing the benefit of these attributes but not really wishing to do what is required to attain such things… Sometimes I wonder if being a Christian really does make my life different – or even being a youth minister? Do I really change or help God in changing others? Do I really even transform myself? My lack of a prayer life is obvious, except in those times of confusion when I cry out to God for insight and answers. Maybe I would have more clarity if I prayed more, read my Bible; actually worked on my own spiritual life instead of being spiritually comatose.

It all becomes business at some point to me… all just a pattern of life – of work, ministry, classes, and even friendships. Where is my spontaneity and where is my quietness? Where is my passion and where is my peace? I long for something different, something new and meaningful, not just in my life, but within myself. What have I become? Who am I becoming? Is it something Christ-like or something selfish?

I worry about my future – what will happen to me? Where will I be in nine months? Does God have someone for me? Will I be single for my whole life? What church wants a single minister? Where do I fit in? Why do I feel incomplete? Why do I long for more and should I? Questions like these keep me up at night and make me rise early, loosing sleep. I find myself doing things to distract me from such questions, from such worry. I do not feel alone now but am worried about becoming alone again soon when I graduate and may move away. What a cruel trick by God to give me community and friendships, only to swipe and take them away, leaving me lonely once again.

… I despise loneliness as an introvert. I do not think it is good for people to be alone, to not hear others voices or laugh with another. However, every now and then – like today – I find a need to retreat into myself. To find that quiet place, not alone but by myself, not isolated but at peace, not depressed but merely taking time to sit still.

My television is off, my music is off… I can only hear my AC and the sound of grasshoppers and some late-night birds chirping outside my window… I get satisfaction out of this time alone, my thoughts focus and I gain peace with God somehow when these thoughts become intentional, when writing things down; though writing does not fix, it does help to clarify that these are my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my fears, and my longings.

I do not often retreat from my friends, but when I have this urge to be alone, quiet, to do nothing – I feel as if it is something vital, something needed, something to be respected. Is it God calling my bluff, telling me I am too busy or that I should stop ignoring Him. Is it my own conscience balancing my sanity, my introverted nature with my situations calling me to be extroverted. Will my friends understand this retreat or feel betrayed? Should I feel guilty for taking such time or should I feel accomplished somehow?

In the back of my head, even now, I feel that all this writing is for nothing if I do not do; yet I am supposed to let God change me – to wait. As an introvert I feel I wait too much and do not do enough. I find it hard to clarify a balance between waiting and doing, being and becoming, being realistic and optimistic, desiring change and wanting to stay the same. I find it hard to know what I really want and desire – and that makes it hard to know pretty much anything at all…

Day Two - 06/21/2008
Not only did I skip-out/cancel in my friends to go to the lake yesterday but I also skipped my friends wedding today. I do not know why I have retreated into this state of solitude; or how confused, angry, or bitter my friends may be about this… What I do know is that this time alone has felt necessary, like it is what I am or was supposed to do. I am not sure it was “God’s will” perhaps… but I do think he has drawn me to himself and shown me some places of myself I would rather keep hidden from others, some of them hidden from even myself.

I sit here now in the library and think and pray, looking out the window, viewing the north side of Abilene. It is so quite in a quite refreshing way. Here and now all the noise is gone, of work, of school, of my ministry, of my friends. It is in this place of quiet I can think, in this place I can finally talk to God intentionally; instead of sporadically as I toss back and forth in my bed worried about the things in my life. It is not that all my worries are gone, but that instead of merely spouting off things to God, when I intentionally come before God, that time is refreshing instead of exhausting.

I love sitting here, seeing the grass and the trees around the campus… and seeing the people walking around, driving, and having fun at the pool. I watch people sometimes… and I wonder what their lives are like… I wonder if they have normal families or deeply troubles ones. Do they know you God and your saving grace or do they feel hopeless in this world? But enough writing now… I will sit in silence and enjoy the view…

~ Daniel

Pics From:
http://pointofview.bluehighways.com/images/confusion.jpg
http://novustaxservice.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/MemberQuestions-4Web.97202224_std.gif
http://fc05.deviantart.com/fs5/i/2004/360/8/9/Enjoy_the_Silence_by_WickedNox.jpg

A Depressed, Isolated, Alone People

I have noticed something coming, something that comes in our technology, in our studies, and in our deepest fear and insecurities. It is something that must be fought against and so few seem to acknowledge. It is depression… and it does not have to be clinically diagnosed to be obvious or real in some sense. It is only clinical if it disturbs life enough we become unable to function. But the problem with knowing one is depressed is that some people are introverted or are busy people, making the signs difficult to see within others and even sometimes within ourselves.

The internet and numerous amounts of class work do not help this depression because they cause us to go into isolation from direct contact with others. The internet offers us so many ways to connect with others, so many ways to find out new and interesting facts but it does not provide us with a real and living community. The internet, cell phones, ipods, beepers all, in many ways, draw us away from each other instead of towards one another. In the beginning it begins in times we are bored, we turn to these other social options or distractions, but later we find ourselves either cutting off real interactions or using these technologies while around real people, making real relationships disconnected. In effect, we find ourselves never really connecting with anyone and they are never really connecting with us.

Class work and homework, writing papers and doing projects do the same thing. Sure, we get together for class… but is it really a community? Do we ever really feel like we know these people around us? My first semester at seminary (and even some in my second semester) I found myself going to class and doing all this work but feeling very isolated and alone. I mean, it is seriously depressing to be in a new town and only have class and homework to do. Sure, I love playing computer/console games and watching TV and movies; but these are entertainment and once again provide isolation and not community, not real community.

I have at times just sat in the silence of my room, in my singleness, in my lack of community, confusion about the future, and thought about my life. I still do sometimes, but I find that community is really the only answer to depression, isolation, and aloneness. It is a problem that has very circular reasoning and the only way to break such a vicious cycle is.. to break the cycle, to force oneself to find some community, to seek out friendships, to find those people around and take the initiative, to take the risk perhaps of being accepted or rejected. But the risk of being an isolated individual is so much worse to take than the risk of seeking community.

And now to my theological mumbo-jumbo… You knew it was coming didn’t you? How can we as humanity think we can live without community in the first place? God created humanity in community, whether this is the reality of family or friendships, there is a vital essence of community and relationships that exists and is essential for every human, even those who are introverts like myself. I suppose some people’s communities are smaller than others are but always the importance is still there. Even God is a God of relationships, a God of community… that is plainly seen in the Trinity. It can also be seen in Jesus and his relationship with the 12 disciples. While solitude is needed sometimes, so is interaction and community. Balance, moderation, and rhythms of life are so importance but are also so much harder to live with than the extremes of abstinence (isolation) or extremes (never alone). Everyone needs community and alone time, humor and seriousness, work and play. But what we cannot live without is community, real community… community with each other and with God. This is the only hope to heal any forms of depression, isolation, and deep feelings of aloneness. However, while we must lean on God and others, the initiative for this transformative healing and line of thinking involves actions we must make ourselves, the initiative to get out of the cycle we have trapped ourselves in, the cycle that perhaps sin has trapped us, perhaps the cycle that even Satan himself delights in more than we know.

- Daniel

Pics from:
http://www.suzylamplugh.org/files/images/Training/community_pic.jpg
http://edtech.kennesaw.edu/intech/j00787421.gif
http://sites.younglife.org/sites/KaneCounty/Home%20Page/Circle%20of%20Friends!.JPG

Boldness and Compassion

I had another strange dream last night. Maybe it was the fact that I watched the movie Luther (2003). Who knows? Anyway, I only really remember the ending of the dream. I was before a huge man whom I knew I could not defeat in a physical fight and I was either restrained or too tired to run. I was sitting there already in pain and agony wondering what I was going to do. I had this feeling that my life was in this man's hand for some reason... and that soon in his hands I would face my end. The man was so full of hate and rage, at first, I was scared but then something changed inside of me. No I did not break my chains and beat the man down with my power; instead, it was something completely different.

I bowed my head, said a simple prayer, and then yelled at the man to do his worst. He began to beat me and I remember there being much pain. Then when he was tired I began to yell at him once more to keep going, asking why he stopped, asking why he does such things with his life? I asked him why he had this rage? The need to hurt another? The last thing I remember is the man giving up, his face began to change from rage to sorrow, I was free somehow and then I awoke.

I woke up feeling scared, thrilled, and bold at the same time. It was so very odd…. I often wonder about my call to be bold as a Christian, to become a godly man and not one who cowers in the face of danger. Sometimes I have odd thoughts of compassion and boldness that seem so stupid to my mind but so real in my spirit. One example of this is a situation I thought of one day, of a man robbing me for my money with a gun in hand. Instead of giving him money and calling the police, the normal and safe thing, I had the strange idea of asking this man if I could buy him a meal instead. I would ask him why he was robbing me. Asking what his life story is and then offering the answer of Jesus, some true hope into his life of entrapment.

Who knows if I would ever actually be so bold. Sometimes we ask ourselves if we would die for Jesus but I think another far better question is: Will we live for Christ? Will we live as Christ, with both boldness and compassion?

Luther was a man of humor, wise words, compassion, and boldness. He fought with a conviction bound to the word of God above all things. I only hope that as I continue to become a man of God and mature as a child of the Kingdom of God; that somehow I will acquire this compassion, this boldness, this passion for Christ above all things - even above my own desires and my safety if required.

- Daniel

Allegiance: Christ Over Nation

While trying to maintain sanity in the midst of work and class and class work this week I began reading this book Red Letter Christians by Tony Campolo (which I heard of when he visited Hardin-Simmons and on television when he was a guest on The Colbert Report). It is an interesting book written by a very interesting guy. I am over halfway done and agree on some things with Campolo while disagreeing on other issues. I hope to finish the book soon (hopefully this week). I believe in my heart that my allegiance to the United Sates is always subservient to my allegiance to Christ. It bothers me that many times I feel we believe we are more or less Christian if we support our country that if we do not at times.

This is not to state that I do not like my country. I love America... but my first allegiance, my first pledge is to seek the Kingdom of God, to obey Christ, and to sacrifice my all for Him; in whatever manner that service may play out in my daily life. I know I have brothers and sisters in other countries. I know there are Christians all around the world and our technology is ever-more expressing the idea of a "global village" I believe that we as Christians must embrace and realize that the church in universal, it contains various cultures and backgrounds. Within this truth is the fact that every Christian’s allegiance is first to God and Jesus Christ and second to the world in which we live out our life. Does not the kingdom of God take precedence over the Kingdom of Man? (Acts 4:18-20; 5:28-31)

In Christ,
Daniel

Article:
http://erlc.com/article/to-whom-do-you-pledge-your-allegiance

Living Alongside God

Life, as I experience it, is full of so many utter distractions that sometimes, many times, it seems almost impossible to be drawn into the presence of God. We have so determined and planned our life in America that we do not truly take the time to sit and ponder, think, pray, or simply converse with God. Where is the room for the Holy Spirit to work? Where is the time for us to become inspired? Where is the time for us to become impassioned with reaching others to God if we never take the time to draw in the presence of God?

I have gone back and forth between doing quiet times, praying, and having times in which my spiritual life is what I would call dry. But why does it become dry? I believe it comes out of those small, seemingly insignificant times where we place top priorities on things other than God, other than seeking to bring about his Kingdom in this world. Many times, we seek to bring our own Kingdom into this world; full of our wants, desires, and needs... we have little regard for God; whether it is because of fear, pride, greed, insecurity.

Those times that at first seem insignificant build up, like a building… or like a game of JENGA. We keep building and building, trying to be sly and continue living our own life while trying to look Christian or appear all right to everyone else. But eventually the whole tower falls down. That is how our spiritual life is when we try to play God, leaving all the empty holes, which only God can fill. Our life becomes so complicated with drama, fronts, hypocrisy, depression, lies, hidden agendas... and then. Boom! Crash! We are totally left devastated. Our spiritual life becomes like a tornado zone, only slight pieces and sections of our faith can be found scattered across the portions of our life. Faith and our walk with Christ seem to be harder at this point, the point when we must now rebuild the foundation from the beginning once again.

However, not all hope is lost. Why? Because if we begin to build our life with the help of God we can now fill in the gaps. God walks alongside us, helping and guiding us in the ways that we should go. If we do not fall into those distractions and temptations then we really have an ability to build a stronger and more personal relationship with God then before. There is really a chance that we could become the godly man or woman that God desires for us to be, that in the midst of the storm we can lay all of our own wants and desires down. Then we believe and trust that God will get us through the hard times.

Yet, we must readily take hold of; we must grasp and be persistent in our faith, not letting it go for every little thing that comes along. Perseverance, standing firm does not imply lack of action but the action of obedience to Christ. It does not mean standing still or simply not doing evil, bad, or not sinning - it means inviting the Kingdom into our daily life. It means practicing and being involved in good, in change, in a reformation of the heart and mind, of enlivening our habits and passions, infusing them with the love and light of the Kingdom of God.

It means listening to the still small voice of God
It means boldly following
It means giving up self
It means grace costing something
It means discipleship as an extension of evangelism
It means showing the light of Christ
It means expressing the Kingdom of God on earth
It means making God first
And making self last

It means something new
Something transforming
Becoming something different
It means living in the image of Christ
It means returning to a right relationship with God
And It means so much more...

~ Daniel