My personal faith journey started in February, 1990 when I knelt on my knees beside my couch with my parents after watching the movie A Thief in the Night and accepted the Lord into my heart. I grew up in a Christian family where we went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday, though as a child I often would try to find ways to get out of going if possible. Still, things began to change for me after that night I accepted Christ in my heart. I finally began to understand there was something more going on, behind the scenes God was working, and I was concerned about what would happen to me when I died. Part of me accepted Christ because, like many, I was terribly afraid of going to hell and facing all that everlasting fire. However, I also knew that God loved me or he wouldn't have sent his son to die for my sins. It all just made sense, as much sense as my eight year old mind could comprehend.
The next few years after my salvation experience were mostly the same. I went to church and did all the things I was supposed to, though I really thought church was pretty boring and tried to act sick so I could stay home. It seems funny now to look back at all those moments of me faking being sick or saying I had no clean church clothes so I could not go, and now I find myself seeking ministry and cannot think of not going to church on Sunday. Then I entered the world of middle school, which I found fascinating and scary at the same time. In elementary school everything seemed so simple and pure. On my first day in middle school I walked down the halls hearing curse words openly said by almost every boy, if not girl. For a time I joined in on the cursing, the dirty jokes, and the mama or fat jokes; but there seemed to be something missing, something more to life than this image and life that was offered during my days in public middle school. I began listening; truly trying to learn things from our church youth group, things that had been boring or confusing to me finally seemed to be clicking. In fact, I do not think my sixth grade self would even recognize who I became by seventh grade. I changed my outlook on life and it was because, somewhere in the midst of all the change in myself and circumstances, I clung to God and began, for the first time in my life, a personal relationship with God.
As I began to grow spiritually for the first time in my life, I began to get involved in church a lot - getting involved in choir, going to almost every event, and teaching some Bible studies in my late seventh/early eighth grade year. Still, the change for my non-church friends was sometimes a bit awkward; asking people to church who I had cursed with or watched bad movies with was never easy. However, it gave me an opportunity to express how Christ was changing me, transforming me, and that I would like them to know Christ as well. I was not always successful at conversion, but I did maintain most friendships making it clear that there were limits to the things I would do. I had boundaries, personal ones I had set for myself, and many my age thought boundaries were lame. So while I maintained those friendships, the ones I developed at church were always deeper and more meaningful for me.
By high school, I had learned a lot about things like prayer and worship and had read through the whole Bible at least one time, loving the Gospels and letters of Paul but bemoaning the books of Levitical Law, though I knew they had purpose. Between youth ministers, I would pick up the slack and teach the Bible study lessons and be a lead student when it came to things like helping out at camps or vacation Bible school during the summer. About my sophomore year, I also began to learn to play the guitar, and though my older brother was a better guitar player, he eventually left for college, and I began leading both the worship and preaching at Bible studies. When a new youth minister came I would skip the occasional Bible study and leading worship, and then pick it back up when they left. While I had once been a kid who was shy about being up in front of people, I now was being called to lead and be up front. While I am still not always the most comfortable person in front of a large group preaching, I have grown over the years and God has strengthened what I consider my weakness.
When I went to college I finally surrendered to the ministry. I went before my church to tell them and ask for prayer. During that time, I began to learn things about the Bible that really began to open my eyes for a second time. There was this whole world of biblical interpretation, authorship, dates, and cultural/historical background to the Bible that I found very interesting. It helped to deepen, not only my personal walk with Christ but also my resolve to continue to pursue ministry, specifically youth ministry. While I was in college, I had no car and could not afford car insurance, so I just focused on classes and on-campus ministries. Later, once I got into graduate school and onward, I would find that many were perplexed at my lack of actual ministry experience when I tried to find a job. This always was confusing to me, because I had been doing ministry since eighth grade, just not in any paid positions.
After graduating from East Texas Baptist University in Marshall, Texas, I moved back to my hometown of Houston. While I tried to get into a Masters of Christian Counseling program at Houston Baptist University, I scored just ten points less on the GRE than required, and because of this fault I was sent to a committee where they denied my acceptance. By this time, it was almost September, too late to go into another program, so I had to look for a job. I became a night stocker for three months. Thankfully during that time, I knew it was going to only be temporary because I had decided to go to seminary.
In my undergraduate years, I had thought about seminary but it really did not seem needed. It seemed like some place I would be indoctrinated and not be able to think freely and explore both my faith and ministry issues. However, I narrowed my choices to four seminaries and eventually decided to go to Logsdon Seminary in Abilene, Texas (part of Hardin-Simmons University). This choice was rough for me. I knew I would have to take out more student loans, but I also had no paid ministry experience, and little experience doing anything else, so I thought I could educate myself and work on getting my first ministry job in the process.
As much as all of this seems like educational history, I went through a rough time spiritually when things did not work out at HBU. My first sixth months in graduate school/seminary I questioned my choice to go to graduate school and move to a town that was seven hours from my family. I hurt a lot spiritually and emotionally for about a year until I began to find a solid base of friends and finally found a church. After a few months, I finally found and was accepted as Youth Minister at View Baptist Church, my first ministry position. I was excited and nervous. In my mind I had finally began to obtain the calling I had been working so hard for the past five years of my life.
While in seminary, I was still interested in biblical interpretation and background; yet I found issues of suffering and women in ministry to be of utmost interest, if not importance. In fact, while in seminary I wrote three papers on women in ministry, ranging from pondering questions about teaching, preaching, to the equality of the sexes at creation, how the redeeming process has affected us since the fall, and finally if in Christ these differences require us to prohibit women from leading based on scripture or if it is mere cultural preference. I also became interested in suffering, one of the classes led by Dr. Stiver was even called
Evil and Suffering, in which we discussed thoughts and even read the book
Night by Eli Wiesel about his experience as a Jew during World War II.
Even with all the things I was learning and integrating professionally and spiritually, nothing would prepare me for graduation from seminary in December, 2008. I knew it was coming for months and tried to prepare the best I could having a full course load and three jobs, but it hit me with a spiritual, emotional, and sometime physical fury I had not met before. I graduated with no full-time ministry job lined up and kept my part-time youth ministry job for a while. When I had to quit, it was a difficult decision for me to make. It had been my first official ministry position and I did not know how I was supposed to feel or how it would be for God to tell me to leave. Some of the situation was financial. I simply could not live off what the church was paying me, nor could they really afford to pay me more. Still, I fought spiritually over the issue for months, not wanting it to be about money but about the path God had for me. In August, 2009, after two and a half years of being youth minister I resigned, having no other ministry job lined up but knowing my time there was at an end.
Since that time I have struggled a lot with God. I went through somewhat of a
Dark Night of the Soul (St. John of the Cross) and come out on the other end less depressed yet still somewhat frustrated. Many places ask me first if I am married, engaged, or serious with someone when they interview me for church jobs. In addition, because of the fact that my first ministry job was in a very small church, many churches have seen me unfit for ministry, much to my dismay.
Still, I believe God has some purpose for all of this, some kind of ministry he wants me to do in the future, though at this time I am a little uncertain. I want to help others, express compassion, yet also be bold about the things that matter in life and faith. I have had many jobs but am still searching, and spiritually I am very much still searching for what God has for me next. Where is the next part of my story going to be? When is the next transition going to be made? I still search for youth ministry jobs, but most of the time they come up dry. Both spiritually and professionally I just want to be useful, to use my gifts and abilities (and degrees) for something more than working odd jobs that leave me unfulfilled.
I try to be available to teach when an opportunity come up at Sunday school or at a retirement home. I also try to be a person others can talk to and discuss life with at my various jobs. One thing I have learned working jobs with so many different people is that I am not the only one confused and suffering. Many of my friends are in the same spot I am at, and many suffer financially as well. Still, through all the muck I have gone through spiritually and emotionally the last two years, I feel God still has some kind of plan, some kind of opportunity for me next. As with all things, it will only come with much work, prayer, and some manner of time passing.
~ Daniel
