This isn't how it was supposed to be, not how things were planned, not how anything I thought would come in my future would unfold. In college, I told myself I would meet her in grad school, then during my chaplain residency, then here in Buffalo. Is there a her? The years keep going by and with each year, each month – with each rejection, I feel myself slipping, my life slipping further and further away from my dream. I dreamed to one day be a husband, to love my wife, to support her through everything and have someone to support me as well. I dreamed of being a father, of holding my child in my arms, the joy and responsibility, happiness and worries, the support and love that would bring.
This is not my life.
In the last year I have not written anything because I have been trying to rearrange my brain, rewire my thoughts, my expectations; from what I thought my life should be, to what it actually is right now. I kept asking God: Why? Why Me? Didn’t I serve you? Didn’t I move across the country? Didn’t I give up my family? Didn’t I give up my friends? Why can I not have someone to love?
But these are all the wrong questions.
These are selfish questions.
God, How can you use me? Lord, How can I learn and grow through this time? What will I do with myself, if I am never to marry, never to be a father, to always be single? I am still scared of that prospect and it is difficult to speak openly with people about these thoughts, much less this emotional and spiritual transition I have been going through over the last year.
My martial Status doesn’t matter.
Despite everyone telling me it does matter, that I will find someone, that if I pray enough, work hard enough, network enough, ask out enough women. If do the exact right thing at the exact right time I will find her.
But what is my dream really?
Is it for me or for God?
Is it for my gain or His glory?
This does not neglect my feelings. I still feel sad when I see friends getting engaged, married, having children. I grieve what I don’t, and may never have. And I feel hurt when friends get married and our friendship eventually fades into nothingness.
Those thoughts and feelings still hurt.
But they can blind me to God's voice.
They can distract me,
Like all the music, movies, and TV;
All calling me to give glory to something else,
To someone else,
Someone I might never meet,
Or if I do,
I cannot be sure when that would happen.
But God is still calling me. I can hear his voice. God loves me as I am, knowing all my strengths and weaknesses, my hurts and my joys. More than anyone he knows the good parts of my life and the terribly hurtful parts of my life. He knows how much I have struggled and sometimes when I just need to let go.
I tried for two years, in my own power, to date. I went out on at least twenty dates with different woman (a lot for a more introverted person), sent hundreds of messages doing online dating. and tried asking out women in-person.
On the outside I told God He was my priority but (besides working) my time and money were all spent dating. If I didn’t try I would be alone. I pursued pursuing women. I fought, using so much energy to try to find someone, anyone.... then, at a certain point, I just couldn't do it anymore.
It all got harder and harder,
Then slowed down.
Then just sopped.
I literally, could not message one more woman. I closed all my online dating profiles, deleted any leftover e-mails, unsubscribed from e-mail lists, and Facebook pages. I couldn’t read or think about dating anymore. I was done.
And then, when I finally sat there in the silence, it all began to finally set in. The very real and true possibility I might die alone, never find someone, never have kids. I'd wake up in the mornings alone, then at night, every night, I'd face the dark silence, the nothingness, the emptiness.
I cried. I wept.
I was sad, discouraged, weary.
I gained back weight.
I stopped eating well.
Stopped exercising.
Stopped everything.
I wallowed.
I did nothing,
Because that is how I felt on the inside.
Like Nothing.
Like I did not matter.
I did my best to try to avoid this feeling by trying to seek out new friendships or by trying to reconnect with old friends. With a few exceptions, this proved futile. People were and are, busy with their lives, busy with their families. It is what it is, after all, right? Whatever future with new friends never appeared and my friendships with older friends is mostly now all history, distant memories.
I started to read more, picked up playing video games once again – after choosing years ago to stop wasting money on something so frivolous and fruitless. But loneliness will make us ache, make us reach out for something, anything to fill that hole. Sure, there may be a few good friends, but realistically, I don’t see myself calling anyone to catch up after every day of work, especially when I get home at 10PM from two jobs, still have to cook dinner, and don’t have the energy to do anything else.
God is still calling.
I can hear him in the midst of it all.
He is behind, beyond the chaos.
Come Home.
Come back.
Rest in me.
Come into my arms my son.
My love is endless,
Unconditional.
Now I feel my future being erased, being rewritten. What I thought I knew about my life and how it should have been are being changed, being transformed, transformed into something new. I am seeing the sunshine again ever so slightly, the darkness being pulled back a little at a time. God is revealing His will for me, not my own. I am seeing more though his eyes than my own.
If anything, God is with me.
I am never truly alone as His child.
So, my future is being erased, gone from existence – but God's future for me is coming into focus. I am sure there will be trials to come, life will confuse and frighten me. God will challenge me and stretch me so that I might grow. Yet, none of these things are for my glory but for God's glory, for His Kingdom, to show His love, His unrelenting, unconditional love to others.
In all things, may God be praised.
And may my future be written by God, never myself.
~ Daniel Brockhan
