It has felt like forever since I have written anything. The words just haven't come, despite topics coming through my brain, but life has been so completely crazy the last few months I guess it has just been so much I have had trouble compartmentalizing (or analyzing) it, much less actually writing any of it down.
As most of you know, I applied for CPE (hospital Chaplaincy) programs in January and got some interviews in February scheduled for March. My first phone interview felt terribly wrong and then my in-person interview in Lubbock ended up going so much better, so much so, they offered me the job on the day of my interview.. and of course I accepted. After that day I decided I wasn't going to any more interviews, some have agreed with this decision and others think I should have tried other places. I think Lubbock fits me and my first choice in Houston never called me back. Well, the last few months have been getting paperwork done for the program and also looking at apartments, which I finally found and filled out the paperwork.. now I just have to wait for an open one and I should be set to go and sign a lease in the next month or two for August.
Everyone, at church, work, family, & friends have all been asking me how excited I am about this program. I try not to be to obvious about my pessimism, but its not cause I am not happy or that I am not glad, it is because the last two years have hardened me somewhat I suppose, made me into a skeptic, maybe somewhat of a worrier. I fight against this tendency but it is there and makes me ask questions I should easily be able to ignore of give up to God yet have trouble doing either: Is this really what God has for me next? Does God want me to turn my back on youth ministry? On church ministry altogether? Will this new road truly be better for me? What happens after this program ends after one year? Will I have to find two jobs again? Where will I live? Will God provide a job or will I be thrown back into what I have had to live the last two years? These are the questions that seem to plague me...
The truth is: This is worth the risk and much better than anything I have found in 2-3 years since I graduated. I guess, the road has just been so tough it is hard for me to really think it is going to be over. I think maybe they will call and cancel me at the last minute.. or something like that. I know it sounds dumb, but doesn't worry always sound dumb. I try to claim the promises that God takes care of the flowers and birds and so he cares about me too (Matthew 6:25-34) but when your living in the thick of it, I guess it is just tough.
Part of me wants the next few months to be over, so I can just start this program, maybe it is the waiting that is freaking me out. It is also having everyone know I am leaving so they are saying goodbye, but its so far in advance it seems kinda odd right now. Also, a part of me wishes I had family close by who could help me move, but I guess I am too old now but am blessed to have good friends who are willing to fill that void and for that I am much appreciated. I have already had friends offer to help me move, to help drive my stuff, and give me a place to live for August before I move and my program starts.
And along with all of this, early in February I signed up on Eharmony during our winter Snow/Ice storm.. I guess I figured I was stuck for 3 days, so why not. I didn't really like it but I did browse and talk to some ladies but right before the free trial ended in March I put my fb info covertly on my profile and then got a msg from a girl a few days later. I have been chatting with her and actually met her a few weeks ago. She is nice, but it is kinda odd living far away, makes it harder to be certain of anything beyond friendship for now. She lives in Amarillo, so until I move to Lubbock, I can really only chat with her online and call her every few weeks. I guess, along with everything else, I am just uncertain, and while we are just friends right now, I dont want to break her heart (or mine) by getting closer than I should until I am closer to knowing my feelings towards her. Dating is just plain hard and confusing, especially when your not sure if you like that person in that way or if it would be better just to remain friends. For me, dating has consisted usually of either: (1) Me being interested in her, but she is not interested in me OR (2) she is interested in me, but I am not interested in her. Is that irony or just sad? ha ha ;.)
But I digress...
Prayers are appreciated, especially as I continue to make this transition and also look for a summer job to help get me through until August and the move. Thanks for reading friends and if you ever need an ear or a friend to pray for you, please always feel free to msg or call me and let me know.
Your Brother in Christ,
~ Daniel
