Saturday, 03 March 2012
Where did all the Christian men go?
I read and commented on a recent post by [Daniel] which discussed why men are leaving the church. It really struck a nerve (in a good way) and gave me something to ponder when I wasn't working on midterms or writing research proposals.I'm going to share some of my views on why more and more men are starting to leave the churches. Obviously there are many factors that can influence this trend, but here are a few that I feel are the big ones. They are based on my personal experiences, as well as the experiences of a variety of friends, male and female, who attend/serve at a variety of churches that run across the entire cultural and political spectrum.
1. Entrapment.
Men are brought up in churches to be leaders, decision-makers, and the providers. They are taught from a young age that they are meant to be strong, tough, loyal, smart, etc. They are taught, more importantly, that they are free agents, and have control over their lives because of the grace of God. Now this may not sound much like entrapment, but think of it this way... if you are taught your entire life that you're tough, and strong, and that you don't need anyone's help but God's... how would it feel to actually ASK for help? It would feel like it's the opposite of everything you've been taught. You would feel weak, vulnerable... unmanly. On the rare occasions that men are ASKED to reveal their vulnerable side, it is not seen as an aspect of their manliness... but rather, a suspension of it.
2. Scapegoating.
This is tied in with point 1. When things go wrong, we point fingers at the ones responsible and in power. When you bring up an entire generation of men, teaching them that they are responsible for everything and that THEY have the power, and when things go wrong... who do we blame? The men, duh. But what happens when things go wrong that AREN'T always in their control? We still blame them, don't we? It's "guilty until proven innocent" with men. Think about how relationship issues are viewed, for example; when we discuss the men's participation, we often question it this way:
"What can you do to better serve your wife?"
For the women, it's typically:
"How can you better communicate your needs to your husband?"
I don't think I need to explain that point further.
3. Vilification.
Let's face it - men are strongly driven by sex. Sex is important to us. Now I don't take issue with a call for chastity, and I think that's a good thing... but vilifying men for their preferences and desires is NOT something that should be a part of that. I've seen, time and time again, men shamed for having sexual preferences. "We're all beautiful on the inside!" "Why do you ignore the fat/ugly/black/white/Asian/Mexican/(insert other random types here) girls?" "Love is all that matters!" But when a woman in the congregation dumps someone because he wasn't "ambitious enough", the church not only ignores it, but in some cases, condones it. Why? Because of what I mentioned earlier with bringing up men to be the providers. If a man isn't a good provider, obviously it's HIS fault because he's in control of everything, and thus it's okay to dump the bastard. Right?
When a man cheats, he is a scumbag, a sleazeball, spineless, etc. But when a woman cheats in a congregation or parish, I've often observed that many of the women (and even other men) will make excuses for her, claiming that her man wasn't giving her enough time, or that she was "swept up" in the heat of the moment.
But wait, it gets better.
4. Sacrifice.
Men are effectively taught that their lives are defined by their sacrifices they make for others. They are, in the churches, taught that a man is defined by his actions. In other words, we have no intrinsic value except when we DO things. We highlight the example of Christ to drive this point home. Why is Christ remembered? Why is He celebrated? He's not just celebrated because He's the son of God. He is the central figure of Christianity because of His sacrifice... on the Cross. Imagine if God came to Earth as the son of a carpenter, who later grew up and did absolutely nothing noteworthy. Would we remember Him?
We do not value men until they do things. We invest in them not because they are valuable in and of themselves, but because they have the capacity to expend themselves for others. We don't care for them because of who they are but rather in terms of their contribution to society. Thus when men act in their own interests first, they are bludgeoned over the head with "Christ's example" and shamed until they comply. It's often the case that other men partake in the metaphorical bludgeoning - but when you've been indoctrinated in such a way, what else can you expect?
In summary:
We bring men up in the church, telling them that they are powerful and in control. We tell them that when things go wrong, they should take responsibility by default. We vilify men for expressing natural desires, and we indoctrinate them with teachings of self-sacrifice. We mold them into the "knights of shining armor" and then treat them as servants, begrudgingly even, because we argue that they're so "privileged" to be men.
It may have been important to raise and mold men into protectors and providers in the past, but in our allegedly "egalitarian" society, the discrepancies are becoming more and more apparent.
Most men nowadays are not knights in shining armor because they freely chose to be that way. They are knights in shining armor because they have been shamed, cajoled and forced into becoming them.
As they grow up, more and more of them are realizing the futility of the situation and are leaving the churches and congregations. Until the churches, especially in the West and in the US in particular, figure this out... men will continue to leave, and never look back.
~ Quantumstorm
