What Dreams May Come

I just woke up from another dream, another dream almost so bad it felt like a nightmare for some strange reason. I woke up with feelings of anxiety and my heart was pumping. I don’t know how to interpret dreams really... Are they a mix of my feelings? Are they random? Are they visions from God? Whatever it is, when I am in times of confusion and trouble, in times of transition and searching, my dreams seem to increase, and usually increase with and add to my anxiety as well.

I long to have pleasant dreams again, which I haven’t had a lot of since this past January. My soul has been on edge and with me leaving my church, it has become worse... Maybe it is anxiety over finding another church, over finding another ministry position, maybe me questioning if youth ministry fits me. I don’t tell people this but sometimes I have visions, day dreams about preaching Gods word... but not what is normally heard, at least in an acceptable Caucasian southern Baptist church. No, I have dreams of preaching like the prophets of the Old Testament like Ezekiel, Jeremiah, or Elijah. For some reason I think the church needs preaching but not from those who are fearful but those who seem to hold no fear, which is funny to hear from me, a guy who still has trouble getting up front in front of people (though not nearly as bad as it use to be by any means).

I see our churches declining and I wonder where the power of God is at in all of this. People say it is part of America’s moral decline and in other countries the gospel is exploding. In most of those countries the message is simply the gospel, the good news of Jesus but here in America we already know the good news or people think they do at least. What people need is to be awakened from their spiritual sleep; they need to see the gospel and church as relevant. And I think a lot of what the prophets said in the Old Testament is very pertinent to our present condition in our country and in our churches.

Who will help the poor? The government has Medicare and Food Stamps and Unemployment, but what is the church really doing about it? Should we have universal healthcare? How is the church helping those who cannot afford healthcare? (I am among them) Do we offer to help those in need freely or do we coerce them by our helping hands to hear the gospel message. I have heard stories where help was only offered if those in need attended some bible study, church service, seminar, or revival meeting. Is this the heart of the gospel? Do you think Jesus would hold carrots in front of a hungry person but tell them they could not eat unless they listened to his message? I don’t see Jesus using that kind of manipulation, maybe sometimes we depend more on a person hearing a sermon than on the Holy Spirit speaking after a kind act, leaving the person wondering why love would be shown freely, with no strings attached.

What dreams may come... for me in my jobs and ministry, for me in relationships which often confuse me, and for the future of the church in America and among all Christians, my brothers and sisters in the faith. In all things may we continue to seek and trust God.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://harvestfellowship.net/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/j0433074.143171504_std.jpg

New Steps and Trusting God Once Again

I am writing this, something I have wanted to write for a while, something that has been brewing in my heart and in my mind, filling me once again with questions and confusion. I will likely post this tomorrow but tonight(Aug. 2nd) I give my resignation to the church (My last will be Aug. 18th, 2009), to my first church, which comes as a bitter-sweet thing. I always decided I was going to leave when I really felt God calling me to leave the church, either because I just felt called to leave or because I felt called to another church. Well, I have been seeking God, seeking other possibilities of churches, mostly wanting to know where God wants me, in what direction he wants me to go (leave or stay).

I have interviewed with a couple of churches, some of you know this and I appreciate your prayers (and continuing prayers in all of this). But somewhere about a month ago I began to feel it was time to leave, to leave this first ministry position and prepare for the next one. So, even though I have had some interviews and no other jobs are lined up, I just feel it is time to move on, maybe to another youth group, maybe to another ministry besides youth. Really I just want to be open to God.

Also, the last few months my passion has been lagging, my spirit has felt burnt-out and heavy. I haven’t been coming to God like I need to and so I will also use this time to come before God, to work on me, my personal relationship with Him. I have been thinking of a few ways to do this, but I need to be refreshed, I need to call out to God, cry out to God, and be in a place to be able to hear his voice and be ready for whatever is next. I am also considering holding off any more interviews for about a month after my last day at VBC, I just feel I need some time, some peace, and some room to think and pray.

I often wonder what God has next for me, for it seems my plans always flop and so I need to be open to everything and that scares me, scares me because I know it means putting myself out there, being uncomfortable once again, it means trusting God as I sort through the fog and clasp my hand around the hand of my Father, of my God, hear his voice and follow once again into that unknown.

To those of my church who read this I loved you all.. and leaving feels like leaving a family, a family I have known for 2.5 years and have grown to love, have been use to seeing, and now I must leave, must go and follow because that is what we are supposed to do, not just as ministers but as Christians, go and follow when we hear God call, when we feel the Holy Spirit speaking to us in our lives.

May God bless us as we follow, may we trust as we go, may we find peace in knowing we are obeying in the midst of fear and our confusion about life and what will come next.

Your Brother in Christ,
~ Daniel