Journey Into Solitude

Day One - 06/20/2008

Faith is not easy and certainly sometimes messy and confusing… And examining oneself is always a risk of seeing the light or the darkness that is revealed inside ourselves…These thoughts came about when, in a time that happens occasionally, I retreated from community and people to be alone, to be in solitude specifically and intentionally. It is not something that happens often, but a drawing I feel from God sometimes, though sometimes it begins with me feeling lazy I admit. Also, this is a response to the second chapter on Solitude from the book “Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation” by Ruth Haley Barton.

I sit here, silent in my room. Deep in thought, in prayer; hearing only the hum of my air conditioner. What secret things come to mind during this time? Will it make a difference now or later?

… I believe I lack passion and bold, the two qualities I seem to lack but admire in others. Perhaps I am a lazy Christian, seeing the benefit of these attributes but not really wishing to do what is required to attain such things… Sometimes I wonder if being a Christian really does make my life different – or even being a youth minister? Do I really change or help God in changing others? Do I really even transform myself? My lack of a prayer life is obvious, except in those times of confusion when I cry out to God for insight and answers. Maybe I would have more clarity if I prayed more, read my Bible; actually worked on my own spiritual life instead of being spiritually comatose.

It all becomes business at some point to me… all just a pattern of life – of work, ministry, classes, and even friendships. Where is my spontaneity and where is my quietness? Where is my passion and where is my peace? I long for something different, something new and meaningful, not just in my life, but within myself. What have I become? Who am I becoming? Is it something Christ-like or something selfish?

I worry about my future – what will happen to me? Where will I be in nine months? Does God have someone for me? Will I be single for my whole life? What church wants a single minister? Where do I fit in? Why do I feel incomplete? Why do I long for more and should I? Questions like these keep me up at night and make me rise early, loosing sleep. I find myself doing things to distract me from such questions, from such worry. I do not feel alone now but am worried about becoming alone again soon when I graduate and may move away. What a cruel trick by God to give me community and friendships, only to swipe and take them away, leaving me lonely once again.

… I despise loneliness as an introvert. I do not think it is good for people to be alone, to not hear others voices or laugh with another. However, every now and then – like today – I find a need to retreat into myself. To find that quiet place, not alone but by myself, not isolated but at peace, not depressed but merely taking time to sit still.

My television is off, my music is off… I can only hear my AC and the sound of grasshoppers and some late-night birds chirping outside my window… I get satisfaction out of this time alone, my thoughts focus and I gain peace with God somehow when these thoughts become intentional, when writing things down; though writing does not fix, it does help to clarify that these are my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my fears, and my longings.

I do not often retreat from my friends, but when I have this urge to be alone, quiet, to do nothing – I feel as if it is something vital, something needed, something to be respected. Is it God calling my bluff, telling me I am too busy or that I should stop ignoring Him. Is it my own conscience balancing my sanity, my introverted nature with my situations calling me to be extroverted. Will my friends understand this retreat or feel betrayed? Should I feel guilty for taking such time or should I feel accomplished somehow?

In the back of my head, even now, I feel that all this writing is for nothing if I do not do; yet I am supposed to let God change me – to wait. As an introvert I feel I wait too much and do not do enough. I find it hard to clarify a balance between waiting and doing, being and becoming, being realistic and optimistic, desiring change and wanting to stay the same. I find it hard to know what I really want and desire – and that makes it hard to know pretty much anything at all…

Day Two - 06/21/2008
Not only did I skip-out/cancel in my friends to go to the lake yesterday but I also skipped my friends wedding today. I do not know why I have retreated into this state of solitude; or how confused, angry, or bitter my friends may be about this… What I do know is that this time alone has felt necessary, like it is what I am or was supposed to do. I am not sure it was “God’s will” perhaps… but I do think he has drawn me to himself and shown me some places of myself I would rather keep hidden from others, some of them hidden from even myself.

I sit here now in the library and think and pray, looking out the window, viewing the north side of Abilene. It is so quite in a quite refreshing way. Here and now all the noise is gone, of work, of school, of my ministry, of my friends. It is in this place of quiet I can think, in this place I can finally talk to God intentionally; instead of sporadically as I toss back and forth in my bed worried about the things in my life. It is not that all my worries are gone, but that instead of merely spouting off things to God, when I intentionally come before God, that time is refreshing instead of exhausting.

I love sitting here, seeing the grass and the trees around the campus… and seeing the people walking around, driving, and having fun at the pool. I watch people sometimes… and I wonder what their lives are like… I wonder if they have normal families or deeply troubles ones. Do they know you God and your saving grace or do they feel hopeless in this world? But enough writing now… I will sit in silence and enjoy the view…

~ Daniel

Pics From:
http://pointofview.bluehighways.com/images/confusion.jpg
http://novustaxservice.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/MemberQuestions-4Web.97202224_std.gif
http://fc05.deviantart.com/fs5/i/2004/360/8/9/Enjoy_the_Silence_by_WickedNox.jpg

A Depressed, Isolated, Alone People

I have noticed something coming, something that comes in our technology, in our studies, and in our deepest fear and insecurities. It is something that must be fought against and so few seem to acknowledge. It is depression… and it does not have to be clinically diagnosed to be obvious or real in some sense. It is only clinical if it disturbs life enough we become unable to function. But the problem with knowing one is depressed is that some people are introverted or are busy people, making the signs difficult to see within others and even sometimes within ourselves.

The internet and numerous amounts of class work do not help this depression because they cause us to go into isolation from direct contact with others. The internet offers us so many ways to connect with others, so many ways to find out new and interesting facts but it does not provide us with a real and living community. The internet, cell phones, ipods, beepers all, in many ways, draw us away from each other instead of towards one another. In the beginning it begins in times we are bored, we turn to these other social options or distractions, but later we find ourselves either cutting off real interactions or using these technologies while around real people, making real relationships disconnected. In effect, we find ourselves never really connecting with anyone and they are never really connecting with us.

Class work and homework, writing papers and doing projects do the same thing. Sure, we get together for class… but is it really a community? Do we ever really feel like we know these people around us? My first semester at seminary (and even some in my second semester) I found myself going to class and doing all this work but feeling very isolated and alone. I mean, it is seriously depressing to be in a new town and only have class and homework to do. Sure, I love playing computer/console games and watching TV and movies; but these are entertainment and once again provide isolation and not community, not real community.

I have at times just sat in the silence of my room, in my singleness, in my lack of community, confusion about the future, and thought about my life. I still do sometimes, but I find that community is really the only answer to depression, isolation, and aloneness. It is a problem that has very circular reasoning and the only way to break such a vicious cycle is.. to break the cycle, to force oneself to find some community, to seek out friendships, to find those people around and take the initiative, to take the risk perhaps of being accepted or rejected. But the risk of being an isolated individual is so much worse to take than the risk of seeking community.

And now to my theological mumbo-jumbo… You knew it was coming didn’t you? How can we as humanity think we can live without community in the first place? God created humanity in community, whether this is the reality of family or friendships, there is a vital essence of community and relationships that exists and is essential for every human, even those who are introverts like myself. I suppose some people’s communities are smaller than others are but always the importance is still there. Even God is a God of relationships, a God of community… that is plainly seen in the Trinity. It can also be seen in Jesus and his relationship with the 12 disciples. While solitude is needed sometimes, so is interaction and community. Balance, moderation, and rhythms of life are so importance but are also so much harder to live with than the extremes of abstinence (isolation) or extremes (never alone). Everyone needs community and alone time, humor and seriousness, work and play. But what we cannot live without is community, real community… community with each other and with God. This is the only hope to heal any forms of depression, isolation, and deep feelings of aloneness. However, while we must lean on God and others, the initiative for this transformative healing and line of thinking involves actions we must make ourselves, the initiative to get out of the cycle we have trapped ourselves in, the cycle that perhaps sin has trapped us, perhaps the cycle that even Satan himself delights in more than we know.

- Daniel

Pics from:
http://www.suzylamplugh.org/files/images/Training/community_pic.jpg
http://edtech.kennesaw.edu/intech/j00787421.gif
http://sites.younglife.org/sites/KaneCounty/Home%20Page/Circle%20of%20Friends!.JPG