Faith is not easy and certainly sometimes messy and confusing… And examining oneself is always a risk of seeing the light or the darkness that is revealed inside ourselves…These thoughts came about when, in a time that happens occasionally, I retreated from community and people to be alone, to be in solitude specifically and intentionally. It is not something that happens often, but a drawing I feel from God sometimes, though sometimes it begins with me feeling lazy I admit. Also, this is a response to the second chapter on Solitude from the book “Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation” by Ruth Haley Barton.
I sit here, silent in my room. Deep in thought, in prayer; hearing only the hum of my air conditioner. What secret things come to mind during this time? Will it make a difference now or later?
… I believe I lack passion and bold, the two qualities I seem to lack but admire in others. Perhaps I am a lazy Christian, seeing the benefit of these attributes but not really wishing to do what is required to attain such things… Sometimes I wonder if being a Christian really does make my life different – or even being a youth minister? Do I really change or help God in changing others? Do I really even transform myself? My lack of a prayer life is obvious, except in those times of confusion when I cry out to God for insight and answers. Maybe I would have more clarity if I prayed more, read my Bible; actually worked on my own spiritual life instead of being spiritually comatose.
It all becomes business at some point to me… all just a pattern of life – of work, ministry, classes, and even friendships. Where is my spontaneity and where is my quietness? Where is my passion and where is my peace? I long for something different, something new and meaningful, not just in my life, but within myself. What have I become? Who am I becoming? Is it something Christ-like or something selfish?
I worry about my future – what will happen to me? Where will I be in nine months? Does God have someone for me? Will I be single for my whole life? What church wants a single minister? Where do I fit in? Why do I feel incomplete? Why do I long for more and should I? Questions like these keep me up at night and make me rise early, loosing sleep. I find myself doing things to distract me from such questions, from such worry. I do not feel alone now but am worried about becoming alone again soon when I graduate and may move away. What a cruel trick by God to give me community and friendships, only to swipe and take them away, leaving me lonely once again.
… I despise loneliness as an introvert. I do not think it is good for people to be alone, to not hear others voices or laugh with another. However, every now and then – like today – I find a need to retreat into myself. To find that quiet place, not alone but by myself, not isolated but at peace, not depressed but merely taking time to sit still.
My television is off, my music is off… I can only hear my AC and the sound of grasshoppers and some late-night birds chirping outside my window… I get satisfaction out of this time alone, my thoughts focus and I gain peace with God somehow when these thoughts become intentional, when writing things down; though writing does not fix, it does help to clarify that these are my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my fears, and my longings.
I do not often retreat from my friends, but when I have this urge to be alone, quiet, to do nothing – I feel as if it is something vital, something needed, something to be respected. Is it God calling my bluff, telling me I am too busy or that I should stop ignoring Him. Is it my own conscience balancing my sanity, my introverted nature with my situations calling me to be extroverted. Will my friends understand this retreat or feel betrayed? Should I feel guilty for taking such time or should I feel accomplished somehow?
In the back of my head, even now, I feel that all this writing is for nothing if I do not do; yet I am supposed to let God change me – to wait. As an introvert I feel I wait too much and do not do enough. I find it hard to clarify a balance between waiting and doing, being and becoming, being realistic and optimistic, desiring change and wanting to stay the same. I find it hard to know what I really want and desire – and that makes it hard to know pretty much anything at all…
Day Two - 06/21/2008
Not only did I skip-out/cancel in my friends to go to the lake yesterday but I also skipped my friends wedding today. I do not know why I have retreated into this state of solitude; or how confused, angry, or bitter my friends may be about this… What I do know is that this time alone has felt necessary, like it is what I am or was supposed to do. I am not sure it was “God’s will” perhaps… but I do think he has drawn me to himself and shown me some places of myself I would rather keep hidden from others, some of them hidden from even myself.
I sit here now in the library and think and pray, looking out the window, viewing the north side of Abilene. It is so quite in a quite refreshing way. Here and now all the noise is gone, of work, of school, of my ministry, of my friends. It is in this place of quiet I can think, in this place I can finally talk to God intentionally; instead of sporadically as I toss back and forth in my bed worried about the things in my life. It is not that all my worries are gone, but that instead of merely spouting off things to God, when I intentionally come before God, that time is refreshing instead of exhausting.
I love sitting here, seeing the grass and the trees around the campus… and seeing the people walking around, driving, and having fun at the pool. I watch people sometimes… and I wonder what their lives are like… I wonder if they have normal families or deeply troubles ones. Do they know you God and your saving grace or do they feel hopeless in this world? But enough writing now… I will sit in silence and enjoy the view…
~ Daniel
Pics From:
http://pointofview.bluehighways.com/images/confusion.jpg
http://novustaxservice.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/MemberQuestions-4Web.97202224_std.gif
http://fc05.deviantart.com/fs5/i/2004/360/8/9/Enjoy_the_Silence_by_WickedNox.jpg
I sit here, silent in my room. Deep in thought, in prayer; hearing only the hum of my air conditioner. What secret things come to mind during this time? Will it make a difference now or later?
… I believe I lack passion and bold, the two qualities I seem to lack but admire in others. Perhaps I am a lazy Christian, seeing the benefit of these attributes but not really wishing to do what is required to attain such things… Sometimes I wonder if being a Christian really does make my life different – or even being a youth minister? Do I really change or help God in changing others? Do I really even transform myself? My lack of a prayer life is obvious, except in those times of confusion when I cry out to God for insight and answers. Maybe I would have more clarity if I prayed more, read my Bible; actually worked on my own spiritual life instead of being spiritually comatose.
It all becomes business at some point to me… all just a pattern of life – of work, ministry, classes, and even friendships. Where is my spontaneity and where is my quietness? Where is my passion and where is my peace? I long for something different, something new and meaningful, not just in my life, but within myself. What have I become? Who am I becoming? Is it something Christ-like or something selfish?
I worry about my future – what will happen to me? Where will I be in nine months? Does God have someone for me? Will I be single for my whole life? What church wants a single minister? Where do I fit in? Why do I feel incomplete? Why do I long for more and should I? Questions like these keep me up at night and make me rise early, loosing sleep. I find myself doing things to distract me from such questions, from such worry. I do not feel alone now but am worried about becoming alone again soon when I graduate and may move away. What a cruel trick by God to give me community and friendships, only to swipe and take them away, leaving me lonely once again.
… I despise loneliness as an introvert. I do not think it is good for people to be alone, to not hear others voices or laugh with another. However, every now and then – like today – I find a need to retreat into myself. To find that quiet place, not alone but by myself, not isolated but at peace, not depressed but merely taking time to sit still.
My television is off, my music is off… I can only hear my AC and the sound of grasshoppers and some late-night birds chirping outside my window… I get satisfaction out of this time alone, my thoughts focus and I gain peace with God somehow when these thoughts become intentional, when writing things down; though writing does not fix, it does help to clarify that these are my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my fears, and my longings.
I do not often retreat from my friends, but when I have this urge to be alone, quiet, to do nothing – I feel as if it is something vital, something needed, something to be respected. Is it God calling my bluff, telling me I am too busy or that I should stop ignoring Him. Is it my own conscience balancing my sanity, my introverted nature with my situations calling me to be extroverted. Will my friends understand this retreat or feel betrayed? Should I feel guilty for taking such time or should I feel accomplished somehow?
In the back of my head, even now, I feel that all this writing is for nothing if I do not do; yet I am supposed to let God change me – to wait. As an introvert I feel I wait too much and do not do enough. I find it hard to clarify a balance between waiting and doing, being and becoming, being realistic and optimistic, desiring change and wanting to stay the same. I find it hard to know what I really want and desire – and that makes it hard to know pretty much anything at all…
Day Two - 06/21/2008
Not only did I skip-out/cancel in my friends to go to the lake yesterday but I also skipped my friends wedding today. I do not know why I have retreated into this state of solitude; or how confused, angry, or bitter my friends may be about this… What I do know is that this time alone has felt necessary, like it is what I am or was supposed to do. I am not sure it was “God’s will” perhaps… but I do think he has drawn me to himself and shown me some places of myself I would rather keep hidden from others, some of them hidden from even myself.
I sit here now in the library and think and pray, looking out the window, viewing the north side of Abilene. It is so quite in a quite refreshing way. Here and now all the noise is gone, of work, of school, of my ministry, of my friends. It is in this place of quiet I can think, in this place I can finally talk to God intentionally; instead of sporadically as I toss back and forth in my bed worried about the things in my life. It is not that all my worries are gone, but that instead of merely spouting off things to God, when I intentionally come before God, that time is refreshing instead of exhausting.
I love sitting here, seeing the grass and the trees around the campus… and seeing the people walking around, driving, and having fun at the pool. I watch people sometimes… and I wonder what their lives are like… I wonder if they have normal families or deeply troubles ones. Do they know you God and your saving grace or do they feel hopeless in this world? But enough writing now… I will sit in silence and enjoy the view…
~ Daniel
Pics From:
http://pointofview.bluehighways.com/images/confusion.jpg
http://novustaxservice.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/MemberQuestions-4Web.97202224_std.gif
http://fc05.deviantart.com/fs5/i/2004/360/8/9/Enjoy_the_Silence_by_WickedNox.jpg
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