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Yesterday in chapel at my seminary we had small groups, which I almost did not attend because it is about prayer. Prayer has been a hard concept for me lately, because I feel like I have been crying out to God but have not received clear answers. I am not saying I do not believe, nor am I saying I never doubt, but I just feel like things are blurry, vague, and unclear to me. I know one day I will look back and know this is where I was supposed to be; however, for those who are going through tough or confusing times, it is never easy and always hard, something of a terrible struggle that test our faith, trust in God, and ability to persevere despite the darkness we perceive around us.

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Press play on the song, and then continue reading...

... So, I pushed myself to go to chapel, because I know we should push ourselves into situations that make us uncomfortable, it is the only way we ever really grow I think. And after such nudges, I am always happy and glad I did. In small groups we talked about music and its affects on us, especially in regard to our prayer life. I spoke of how music speaks when we cannot speak, puts lyrics to music and opens the gates of emotions, of joys, of fears, of gladness, of tears. I also find music to be worshipful, sometimes stopping what I am doing when a song really speaks, almost being paralyzed by the truth found within, quieting myself in the penetrating presence of God that may come over me, even if for one song.

Then we listened to a Gregorian chant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregorian_chant). I was surprised how quickly the song, the music spoke to me. Even though the lyrics were in another language (Latin I believe), I was brought to the idea of God's beauty and the blessings he has given us, and has given me. From there I was taken in my mind's eye to stained-glassed windows, cathedrals, and dim candle-light; however, it did not end there.

I was then taken to images of a forest in the spring with a breeze, a gentle waterfall in the background. I was taken to images of the fall when leaves are changing and falling back and forth in the wind until they touch the ground ever so softly. I found myself in the winter-cold on mountain tops where everything was covered with snow. I found myself in a place of dry cliffs and canyons with the clouds rolling by, sometimes giving shadow and sometime giving light.

Then the music stopped and I was brought back to the present... and in so little time I felt my sense of peace begin to drop again as my life came back into view. I felt and feel like I had to leave that beauty, leave those images behind and return to my real life. It is sad that we do not associate the beauty of God or the beauty of creation with our real life. There seems no time to sit and view these scenes, hear the breeze rustling through the leaves, or listen to the birds chirping. We are all busy, rushing through life but not necessarily enjoying it. It is sad how programmed we are and we have no idea the constraints that are put on us by society and by self. Christ is here to break those chains I think, to set us free, not just spiritually but so that now we can truly see the world for what it is, see who we truly are, and everything is seen in a whole new way.

I wish I could say having Christ in my heart fills be with constant joy but it does not most of the time, not because salvation is not a great (the greatest!) gift but sometimes life just seems to grip me and pull me into its chaotic thoughts and ways. I struggle against pessimism and push toward optimism, wanting to dream while wanting to be real about things at the same time. Progress is never easy and is a very long process, one in which we are constantly changed by Christ, shedding of parts of the old and revealing aspect of the new.

Blessings,
~ Daniel

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