Faith Beyond Belief

I hope this speaks somehow, perhaps may even encourage those who may be having similar feelings or frustrations. Persevere friend. Trust friend. God is with you and will provide.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
- Psalm 27:14

I have wanted to write this week but have been back and forth again a lot this week. I think a lot of things have made me anxious and stressed out: bill and student loan payments, needing to renew my lease soon, not getting two jobs at Citibank, and not getting as many jobs substitute teaching as I would have liked this week - more half-day then full-day jobs.

I admit, at one point this week I wept before God, asking him why and what He wants from me... I was so distraught I was trying to read my daily devotional book and threw it across the room in anger, frustration, and confusion... and those who know me will understand I rarely get emotional like that and even more rarely am I so filled with emotion that I ever throw anything.

God and I have been having a rocky road the last few months, mostly because I suppose my definition of God providing is differently than how and when God will actually provide. In my heart I feel called to ministry but wonder if that calling is full-time or part-time (bi-vocational). Just because a church does not have a lot of money does that mean they do not need ministers? Does it make my calling less to be in such a church?

I have been struggling spiritually, not in a manner in which I would deny my faith but in a manner that questions my presuppositions about God's provision versus my need. God has always taken care of me, so of course if God has shown himself faithful so far, then I am certain he will show himself faithful into the future. The struggle is how will God provide and when? I am a lot more open to options and possibilities than I was a few months ago, sure maybe I did miss some opportunities but I cannot go back and change, only push forward and change into the future, learning to be more open with God's will for my life and learning to see and respond to open doors when they rise up in my life.

God has provided and will provide. I really am blessed with good friends right now and a place to live, food to eat, and two jobs that are great and provide some income so I am not currently running on absolutely nothing. What bothers me is recognizing that in my life I feel I sometimes have more faith when things are going well then when they are not, that my faith God will provide is based on stability and financial circumstances, not with a stability in spirit and a joy that surpasses my circumstances... that is what I want and desire, faith beyond belief I suppose, to find joy in the midst of trail and tribulations and suffering. Of course, life is the journey getting us there and the path is sometimes easier to follow and work through than other harder times.

But I thank God that on my bad days (like the one below) when I am angry and doubtful he has grace and mercy on me, that he listens and offers his hand in the midst of my "teen" angst moments. Praise God for being good, for being loving, and for saving a wretch like me.

~ Daniel