I am sitting here and reading about perseverance and prayer and I realize that I do not pray like i need too, sometimes I find that i do not even pray at all. why is this? It seems that when I am in tune with God he has a sort of tug in my life; however, when I am far from God I give into my flesh, Satan, the world - I give them a foot-hold and then I feel another tug. This mortal tug, though, does not fullfill me. In fact, it actually does the complete opposite. I feel so much like Paul in Romans 7:14-25... I feel this tug and tension between both worlds and I struggle to let one or the other have control. Why is it so hard for us to let God have complete control? I truly want to serve God but find myself serving myself - and this dosnt even please me - it actually leads me down a depressing road that I dont want to go down.
I suppose a lot of it has to do with the fact that I still find it very hard to completly trust and have faith in God. When I was younger it was easy because my parents were there and protected me from a lot of things - they provided for me.. and now that I find myself on my own it seems that I have to start over. I feel like an infant in my faith in so many ways.
Right now I'm really and truly still struggling with what is going to happen this summer. I want to be used by God so much but I'm not sure what is going to happen. There seem to be so many barriers in the way and no one ceases to stop reminding me of these. I try to forget these details of my life and have faith, but it is so hard. Many people say that God will provide if we have faith, if we obey him he will provide a way, a form in which we can serve - that he will provide power and strength in weakness and provide ministry oppurtunities. What happens if things dont work out? If i can't get a youth ministry job won't that just leave me back where I was? I really and truly tried to have a servant's heart while I was at work this past summer and fall, but the way managers and people hounded me to constantly "hurry up" always got to me. I never yelled at them or anything but it just really annoyed me - here I was trying to do my best and they were saying it wasn't good enough. I know my limits on runing and pushing myself - and pacing also comes in a lot - I knew that Christ was happy with me but how was I to respond to this? It's hard for me to uderstand the world, so much of it is filled with sin, evil, greed, malice, and the never-ending boss or manager riding ones bottom to do more, get more done, and faster faster faster.
This all brings about thought of heaven. I long to be with God and be in peace, to have gone and be rid of this world. This world so much annoys me, the way people bicker and fight - yet I know I have a duty to stay, to try and show Christ's love in this world. Of course, I know not all people are "evil", but humanity as a whole just bugs me. I know I am not persecuted like the first christians or even as some in other countries today, but I long many times for the end, for the rapture and judgement; and for God to take control and wipe wickedness and sadness away. I long for God to wipe the veil of sickness, disease, and suffering from this plane of existance. I guess many times I have a tension in wanting God's vengance, yet wanting it to come later so that more might be won for Christ. I long to share the gospel and see people become heirs to Christ, to be disicpled and come into a eternal and ever-growing relationship with Christ.
Yet, all my ideas. All my writing. None of it is experience, none of it is action beyond the pondering of my brain and typing on a keyboard. I long to be used and useful to God's work and purpose. I long to be who I AM TRULY and not just a floating image that is just learning - I feel my knowledge is almost useless right now because all anyone ever tells me is that I need experience, that I need to buy this or that, have this or that. I dont care too much about THINGS - im tired of having so many DVD's... so much stuff. it's all temorary and doesn't bring me closer to God - all my stuff can't give me experience so I can serve. I don't know, I am thankful for a lot but what I really want from God is an oppurtunity, some experience. I want a door-way to open like I hear in all those stories of faith in church. I have never had God open some awesome door after I took a step of faith. I am glad to be here at Seminary but it's only came after a big let-down - and perhaps that was so I could come here... but why didn't I see the door before? Thinkng about it too much hurts me head. All I know is that I am tired, tired of wanting more, desring more and yet nothing happening. It seems like everyone else has things they need, that they have had experience while i sit here still triyng to gain entry into something I am passionate about yet experience wise many would see me "unqualified" for. What ever happend to the qualification of PASSION and KNOWLEDGE? I think anyone passionate about God with a understanding of the Bible should be allowed and encouraged to gain entry - but it seems like I'm supposed to have "connections" and "networks" - as if being a Christian and a church-member isn't a good enough reason to let someone speak and/or preach.
I guess I'm just tired, not so much depressed but tired - yet I find in my spirit this wanting to persevere, always comes the thought that God may have had this plan and is still in the process or preparing and dealing with me so I might be able to serve Him. It's hard to work on God's schedule instead of my own - especially when I feel like it is my own fault I have not gone furthur, instead of considering that it is God's way to block those chances until I am ready.
While I wish others understood, I get the impression that God does and for whatever reason has me where I am for some reason. I pray it is not my complacency that has kept me here, but some divine blocking from God himself for a purpose and reason. I hate to think that my lack of faith in some way may have blocked me from ministering forever.
To all those who strive to make Christ first - I pray that God gives you power to serve and follow Him, for those of you who do not and are having a hard time - I pray you return and come back to a deep relationship with God. And please pray for me as well.
Pray for all the Saints,
Pray for our Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
Pray for the Power of the Holy Spirit,
Pray that Opportunities May Open,
Pray that we Will Follow.
Your Brother in Christ,
~ Daniel
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