Its late, its new years, I am dot-sitting for my friend Nathan, and I have been pondering this past year a lot. it has been my first year on my own and my first year since I graduated and have lived outside of college/grad school life, which is so different from working and paying bills - especially with the added hassle of paying off student loans.
I started this year from a strong place of pain and sorrow. I had just graduated and was not sure about what I was supposed to do. Of course I was supposed to gradate and magically get a full-time youth job but that is not what happened and still is not what has happened but God has provided for me in many different ways and through many different avenues.
I started off frustrated trying to find a job during the week besides my part-time youth ministry job for one. I had no job during the week and bills to pay for about a month and a half and was thankful for the few good friends and also people from VBC at the time who prayed for me and helped me out when I needed it. Subbing was ok but I needed something more consistent and when the summer started coming I was starting to get angry, anxious, and frustrated - then I got a job working in retail. Sure not my best choice but something.. every other place turned me down usually because I was overqualified (if I even got an interview at all).
Then this past summer I had to leave my first ministry position at VBC where i was youth minister. There were any reasons for me leaving but my utmost concern was that I leave because God was telling me to and because it was what I needed to do - not because of money, not because maybe sometimes I felt a bit burnt-out, but because I was sure it was right. About the same time I got a clue on a job my friend had who was quitting at the HSU library, so I picked up that job. Between the two jobs I finally had enough to pay my loans and God was providing.
The last few months have been rough for me again. I have had a lot of payments to make, rent is going up, and now my graduate and undergraduate loans are consolidated and I have to start paying those on top of my private loans I already pay. Added to this my hours in retail have been getting cut a lot and I really need some full-time job during the day - and something that pays more than min wage. But I try to remember that God has provided this past year and will continue to provide in this coming year. He has been faithful ,and will continue to be faithful and provide, even if it is not always how we expect.
I have also learned a lot this past year about friendships and relationships. I started out pretty rocky in this area in 2009 because I was coming off of a time the previous summer when i liked a girl. We only went on one date but were pretty good friends before we went out. Then after we went out and she decided she only wanted to be friends and our friendship began to subside and really we don't talk to one another much at all anymore. For a while I tried to keep up but it is just too much to always be that person, especially when your feelings of friendship (or in any relationship) don't seem to be reciprocated.
I don't have many close friends anymore... My only close friend is Nathan, my best friend in town, who has been such an awesome friend and blessing from God to me during this time. I thank God for a friend that helps me out and who i can help. a friend who is married yet treats me as an equal and ask my opinion. A friend who calls me up and ask me to hang out instead of me always having to be the one initiating the friendship. It is a reciprocal friendship and I am learning that these types of friendships and very rare in life and if you have one you should feel lucky and blessed.
Honestly, I don't know what 2010 has for me. I know I have more loans to pay, rent has gone up, and I got side-swiped by an old lady and lost my drivers-side mirror the other day, lol. Sure I wish I could find a ministry job in a church that can pay enough for me to live, allow me to be a part of a community and team to reach those not saved and disciple those who are.... but it will come in time or God will provide in some manner. In all this I remember God is with me, that there is hope, that there is more to life than we see... and that the God who has been faithful and has provided will continue to provide.
And to my brothers and sisters in the faith....
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 1:3-6~ Daniel
PC:
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